Why does this hurt so much?

[DusktilDawn]

Seeing a guy for 2 or 3 months.. he told me from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship so I called it off after the first date. He messaged me again a couple of weeks later and we met up again and have had a few dates since. We get on so well, there's chemistry and sparks flying.. but he still doesn't want a relationship. He was in a long-term relationship and the break-up was messy. He doesn't want to feel trapped again and he says he's still not had closure on his past.

When we're together we do behave like a couple would but he doesn't want to be with me. Yesterday I ended it and he finally admitted that he just wants to meet women for sex.. and that he hadn't expected to meet someone as special as me. He wants to stay friends and says if I want anything more sexual without getting too attached then we can do that. But I can't. I have feelings for him and I miss him already. He says he misses me too.

I feel so shit! I'm not cut out for dating/relationships.

He has been honest but he's also told his family about me and made hints that we might have a future together giving me false hope.

How do you know he's told his family about you?

I don’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing

He’s made it perfectly clear from the beginning he only wants sex. It doesn’t matter how you translate his behaviour when you’re together, the fact remains that the only thing he wants is sex

He’s been honest and open about that. He hasn’t lied. And I’m sorry but he hasn’t used you. You’ve known all along where you stand with him.

Either walk away or carry on knowing he doesn’t want more. But don’t keep walking away and going back then blaming him for being the bad guy.

When a man wants to be with you he then he’ll make it perfectly clear.

Why would this man suddenly commit when he’s getting everything he wants? Sex without the heavy stuff.

I also don't think he is a bad guy. There was an identical post to this a little while ago even the title was very similar. Was that you aswell ?

He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me either. From the very first date he made it absolutely clear what he was looking for. Some women would be perfectly happy with a casual arrangement, so I can't see what he's done wrong at all.

The bad guys are the ones who pretend they want a relationship, sleep with you and then disappear.

God, he sounds like the guy I am seeing.

Run.

I am two years in. It is hard. You fool yourself that he cares about you but he doesn’t. He cares about him. But of course they miss us when they lose us. Now they have to work for sex from someone else rather than have it on tap.

Token do you think he'll ever want to be with you? I could have easily gone on seeing him but it hurts a lot and it's only been 2 or 3 months. God knows how I'd feel if I let it go on any longer

I feel for you OP. It is soul destroying meeting someone you feel you have a strong connection with and could see yourself in a relationship with only to learn they are on a completely different page to you.
You can't make this man want a serious relationship if he just doesn't.
You will only slowly torture yourself if you think you can.
He has put his cards on the table. You sound lovely and worth a lot more than just sex. See it as a lucky escape.

He's been mean keeping you involved knowing he isn't interested in the same way you are. Cut your losses and move on

Dusk - He’s finally getting there. With the guy I’m seeing, I genuinely think 1) He’s emotionally damaged from losing his wife and his mum within a very short period and 2) I think he is on the spectrum.

It has taken him a long time to trust that I am not going anywhere. It takes him a long time to open up to me.

Would I do this again? No.

Do I wish I had walked away at the start? Yes.

I’m in an inbetween place right now. He’s showing more signs of positivity - He’s talking about moving in together and trying for a baby but when I ask whether that means we’re in a relationship or not, it doesn’t.

I’ve reached a point where his actions are a little too late. I think I’m ready to just walk away and find what I deserve. You should not have to beg a man to be with you or wait around for him to figure it out.

I think he’s been honest but I don’t like his behaviour. If he doesn’t want a relationship that’s his choice. BUT he knows that you do and on that basis he should show you the respect to leave you alone.
An ex of mine told me after about 10 months that he didn’t want a relationship. It was very painful for all kinds of reasons. But I asked him to leave me alone after that and he did. That’s the difference

He was honest from the beginning...but knowing you wanted a relationship, he shouldn't have contacted you again unless he had changed his mind.

That's when he became a bad guy.

Actually thinking about it..he hasn't been fully truthful.
Had he been honest and explicit from the very beginning and said he is only looking for sex...there would have been no misunderstanding.

If course he wouldn't say that because most women would tell him to f**k off.

He wants to stay friends and says if I want anything more sexual without getting too attached then we can do that.

That's very noble of him.

This old chestnut! I know others have said he has been honest - which he has - but you can still be honest and treat people like shit. The honourable thing would have been for him to step away, for you both to allow each other space to move on. Sounds like he picked you up and dropped him whenever suited him. You let him, because you wanted him. Nothing wrong with that.

You will have to be strong now, but try to move on from this and to find someone who does value YOU and isn’t just waiting for his next shag to come along.

Exactly the same happened to me, resulting in the lovely charmer saying that he “had two dates lined up. One for sex only”. I wonder if the same guy is doing the rounds of this board sometimes

Draw a line under it. Learn from the experience. Why did it happen? How will you handle dates differently? Have you repeated this pattern before? What do you want in the long run?

Good luck,. It WILL hurt for a bit, but you will also come out stronger. Wishing you much strength

There's a lot of threads like this at the moment. You've got to value yourself more than to put your life on hold waiting for some bloke to realise how great you are.

Even if he did come round, you'd be perpetually grateful he did and perpetually insecure about being the one who loves more.

Give your head a wobble and look for someone who it's easy with, who is consistent, who doesn't play games, who is emotionally safe.

he told me from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship....He messaged me again a couple of weeks later but he still doesn't want a relationship...he says he's still not had closure on his past.

So he was upfront and honest with you from the start.
Sex/friends with benefits is all he wanted - nothing serious.

I feel so shit! I'm not cut out for dating/relationships

Yes, you are. But this situation isn't dating/relationship, it's stringing you along.

He's an arsehole, yes he said from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship- and you called it off, he got back in contact with you, he should've left you alone knowing that you were looking for a relationship.