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Original poster

Toxic mil

42 replies

Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 09:58

Hi just wondered if anyone had experienced something similar as I am at my wits end. Mil has and always will have issues with alcohol. Been with partner 6 yrs and most of it has always been issues with her use to get along with her as I was young and naive however things have got out of hand over the years she has attacked me in front on my son then tried to turn it on me. She took my son out when he was months old(when I trusted her) ended up finding her pissed up 'looking after' my son this was 4 years ago but I do not forgive her the attack was last year. She has now been texting partner this morning why can she not take my son out on her own it's her time to
Shine as a grandma etc why do my parents get to look after him on a weekend. Reason being they are normal trustworthy people which she can't seem to understand. She has been to mine and caused ridiculous arguments countless times in front of my son, threatened me with court etc if she doesn't get her own way I know she couldn't get anything it's just the stress of it all is getting too much as pregnant with 2nd child and really do not want the stress from herAnyone had something similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 10:03

Anyone please x

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hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2018 10:06

So what does your DH say when she asks why she can't have baby on her own???
Does he tell her like it is?
i.e. because you are an untrustworthy alcoholic and lmj and myself do not trust you to look after him properly.
If he doesn't then he needs to start doing that.
For your sake and your own sanity, I suggest you go NC with her.
He can see her for visits with DC but you no longer want anything to do with her.
It's hard, especially to begin with, but the weight will lift from you and and you can leave your DH to deal with his DM on his own!

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 10:12

He won't tell her straight it's so frustrating he beats around the bush she's threatened to hurt herself before if he doesn't do as she likes for example seeing dc it's draining. It causes arguments between us he can't seem to see how toxic she is he just screams at me that he's stressed with me going on at him about what she's been saying etc. I wouldn't trust dp to take dc to see her as I am afraid of what she would do/say to him as she has always seemed to have had a hold over him. It's been supervised with me and dp for a few years and she can't seem to get over the fact thats how it will stay she's wanting him on her own and I just do not trust her 1 by

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Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 10:12

Bit, sorry

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hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2018 10:35

Have a look on Amazon under 'Toxic parents' and 'narcissistic mothers'
He needs to do some reading.
You could read them together.
He is basically in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) and it's hard to break free from. But he can do it.

Would he agree to go to counselling?
She's done a right number on him and he needs some professional help to give him the strength he needs to stand up to her.
He basically needs a friggin' back bone.
You should not have to deal with all of this.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 10:39

If I'm honest he probably wouldn't agree to counselling. If I want to voice my opinion about her like I've tried this morning when she's licked off again he clams up shouts to stop it cos he's got to go to work and he'll get stressed out. He really does I know it sounds stupid about but day in day out all I stress about is her. He's text her back this morning saying I will talk to Laura later. So basically implying to her he will talk to me and will sort something for her to have dc on her own instead of telling her straight I'm honestly at my wits end I hate arguing with him about it but he can't sit and talk about the whole situation. He came out with a comment this morning that when she had dc and we had to look for her while she was pissed up it didn't really matter because it was years ago at then of the day the way I see it it happened she did that and I will never forgive her anything could have happened had we not clicked on and intervened when we did. Sometimes I am too nice for my own good

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pinyata · 29/03/2018 10:41

My MIL also has problems with alcohol and I can't trust her with our DD either.

A lot of your situation is the same another MIL is never violent but when she is drunk screams and shouts making all sorts of random accusations all of which are nonsense.

We have went very low contact with her she can come and visit DD in our house when she is sober. It started off with frequent visits and is now dwindling as we won't let her have DD and won't take her to visit at her house.

My DP is completely onside though and doesn't have an issue telling MIL I think this is your main problem.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 10:45

Yes sounds pretty much the same I've let her come to my house to see ds with both me and partner present as I don't want to be on my own around her either. That is the problem he beats around the bush with her just to keep her quiet because he can't seem to deal with the stress of an argument she can't accept the truth I think that is partly being an alcoholic as they are constantly in denial. I just wish she was out of my life in all honesty she causes the most insane amount of stress

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zebrano · 29/03/2018 12:35

Has your MIL always had a drink problem OP? If so, have a read about Adult Children of Alcoholics. There are websites and books on the subject. Basically, those of us who grew up with addicted parents tend to end up with the same set of characteristics as adults. People pleasing, failing to be able to set boundaries and trying to 'fix' other people at our own expense. It comes from having a disordered childhood and always thinking 'if I'm a good girl/boy and please the addict then maybe they will stop loving the drink and love me instead'.

When I first read about it, it was like a lightbulb going on in my head. Everyone around me thought I was a pushover, and my DH would get frustrated that I couldn't set boundaries with my addicted dad. He would say jump, and I'd say how high? He would also use suicide threats as a way of emotional blackmail and bringing me back in line.

Since reading up on Adult Children of Alcoholics I have been able to try and spot when I'm behaving a certain way and 'being a pushover' and I've been able to set boundaries (my dad did not like the first boundary I set and he went NC with me, believe it or not). It will help your OH if you can be really supportive as it's hard thing to overcome. He's simply been wired that way since childhood.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 12:40

Yes she has. Ever since oh can remember he's told me stories of the things she's done to him and I can't understand why he still wants to be around her, I understand it's his mother. I've seen first hand the things she's done and the things she says she is manipulative with a capital M. Somehow he feels like he has to walk one eggshells around her due to the fact if it doesn't go her way its threats be it suicide, court etc. I will have a look into that thanks for getting back to me

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Madratlady · 29/03/2018 12:45

This is pretty much what a post about my mil would look like I imagine.

Thankfully we went nc before we even got engaged. She didn't add anything positive to our lives, is self centred and narcissistic, an abusive parent and not someone we would want around our children. Dh is happier this way than feeling obliged to be in touch with her.

zebrano · 29/03/2018 12:52

Honestly I do feel for your partner as I've been through it myself... it is really hard to stand up to them when you've been putting up and shutting up since childhood. The problem is, she will never change. The only one who can change is the way he reacts to her. That's why he gets stressed, it's a lot of pressure and he's been wired to try and please her.

Make sure you look after yourself in all of this though, and try not to let them drag you down with them. Be strong for yourself and your DD and do what you need to do to look after yourselves.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 12:54

Exactly what mil is like everything has to revolve around her funny thing is she actually reckons she is a good parent which honestly baffles me. I wouldn't trust her around me anymore never mind my ds. She's also a binge drinker so she will go for a few months without a drink (I still want nothing to do with her within that time as she is just a poisonous person in general) and then she wall drink constantly 24hours a day for a few week then partner has to go down to her house to sort her out to get her off the beer. I know it may sound drastic but if I knew who partners mother was when I first met him it would have never gone further than a hello.

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RatherBeRiding · 29/03/2018 13:23

If she is contacting your partner - let him deal with it. Go as low contact with her as you can get away with whilst still (very sensibly) refusing to allow her unsupervised contact with your son.

If you can get away with it, limit the contact to when she visits your house - obviously you can't go out and leave the child with her and your DP because she will probably just override him and insist on taking the child out on her own.

If she tries to engage directly with you, block her number on your phone and don't answer the door to her if she comes to the house when you're alone.

I understand how hard it is for your partner to stand up to her but at the end of the day she's HIS mother.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 13:24

It's already very minimal at the minute as it is partner is good in that sense he'll only tell her to come down maybe once a month or twice once he's had enough of her pestering and moaning to him 24/7. Yes that's exactly it if he was left alone with them I dread to think where dc would end up it's such a crappy situation

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Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 13:25

And I've blocked her on everything Facebook,text whatsapp etc i want no contact at all

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Bumshkawahwah · 29/03/2018 15:23

I think all you can do is set your boundaries and then refuse to engage with either your MIL or DO about it. She’s not going to change (well, it seems unlikely). Just keep stating - you are not leaving your child alone with her, you are not going to take any ranting or horrible comments from her. Keep her blocked.

I know it must be frustrating that your partner won’t stand up to her but I guess this is what he has been trained to do from childhood. Just keep saying no, step back and do not engage.

Good luck!

knowsmorethansnow · 29/03/2018 16:01

When he moans about being stressed tell you are as well because he would rather protect his mothers ‘feelings’ than yours and your children’s safety.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 17:21

It's just so draining I'm sorry if I sound like I'm going on half of the time I can't say anything to him he just shuts me down

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SandyY2K · 29/03/2018 18:03

Stick to your guns and don't allow unsupervised contact. If she or DP question it, remind thrm of what happened.

Unsupervised contact could happen when DS is older. Like 10 years upwards.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 18:13

He's said he either takes dc to his nans where his mum can see him there or it's over. I feel like I'm being bullied and backed in to a corner I'm distraught he's said he doesn't want another kid with me if I'm going to control him with this one too bear in mind I'm currently pregnant. This is all thanks to her kick off.

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NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 29/03/2018 18:34

What a prick. So he'd prefer to split his family up to appease his mum?

Tbf though, I can see it's hard for him. Would he also be there at his nan's? That might not be so bad?

inamechangedforthispost · 29/03/2018 18:41

So his Mum has the problem and his solution is to blackmail you.

I'd call his bluff and tell him to pack his bags.

Original poster
Lmj25 · 29/03/2018 18:47

All my fault apparently I'm controlling. I've told him I'm protecting my child and I'll be damned if I let my guard down round an alcoholic. Honestly don't know what to do

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mando12345 · 29/03/2018 18:57

I'm mystified how you are in contact after she attacked you. if my mil did that and my husband didn't immediately go no contact I would have called the police, got her charged and separated.

If it was just the drinking I would let her see your son under your partner's supervision.

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