Dh and I appear to be incompatible

[happyguineapig]

We've been together 20 years,and since having ds 5 years ago with no family support we have struggled. We have drifted apart I think and don't enjoy spending time together much anymore. He says I complicated and don't communicate well. I feel he is too laid back and doesn't plan or think of the future. He is a good dad and on the rare occasion that we are not bickering and getting on I find him funny and attractive but other times I am infuriated by him. We both have stressful jobs he relaxes by gaming some nights. I find this annoying and childish for a 42 year old man. I have no interest in it. He thinks I am a control freak and always planning... but someone has to. I do love him and I can't remember the last time we sat down and talked without arguing and enjoyed each other's company. He says I don't appreciate what he does.. he does a lot of cooking, all the ironing, shopping so we have quite a role reversal.. are we doomed? Feels like it. I don't want to split especially because of our ds. What can we do?

Do you have anyone that could watch your ds while you two have a weekend away or a date night? Try to keep phones at bay and just talk to each other tell each other how you feel. It's harder to argue when you're sat in a restaurant or relaxing in a spa somewhere. You might be able to communicate better

You seem to fit the profile for counselling as there seems to be alot of good in the marriage and perhaps you are viewing him overly negatively.

Gaming isn't my thing but if its his way to relax, after work and household chores, why not?
There is often one person who is the planner in a couple, be reflective and think if you would genuinely be happy if he took over planning completely.
He seems to be giving fair feedback and if you want to stay together you may both need to adjust however you can't change him, so start working on yourself..could you improve how you communicate?

Lastly do you enjoy yourselves when on holiday? I often think this is an indicator as usually the stress should be off at these times.

He's attractive and funny? Then a little gaming is surely forgivable!

You sound a little like my mother. She likes to plan and be busy and so grown up things. Which is all fine except she thinks everyone else has to as well. Why?

What needs to be planned so urgently? What's so bad about gaming? Is it just a script in your head about how things are supposed to be?

And he irons and cooks...

If you’d said he spends all his free time gaming while your left to do everything else then I could probably see where you were coming from but he actually helps round the house and is a good dad. I’m a 28 year old woman and I love gaming too, so when the kids are in bed and the housework’s done I’ll sometimes put the Xbox on or me and my son will play it together. What do you like to do to relax? I think the issue here is just finding a common ground and not trying to change each other.

Good points made on here. Yes if he did actually plan something maybe I wouldn't like it.. I do all the finances, holiday planning, ds school organising, and then stuff like cutting grass, painting etc. He doesn't seem to notice when these things need doing. Maybe I am being too grown up and I need to chill out more.. I do find it difficult to relax.

He says gaming is an escapism and I understand that but he online games with lots of younger people none of whom have kids or responsibilities .i think this is contributing to some of his mindset.

We do need to reconnect and find some common interests. Hopefully our marriage is salvageable.

What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?

Do you ever thank him for what he does ?

Being courteous and kind and saying thank you for a nice meal or a clean pile of clothes makes life much pleasanter.
It makes a huge difference to feeling appreciated and cared for.

What is it that needs to be planned so urgently?

I'm a gamer and often play in the evenings once the housework is done, and DP will take himself off biking or to tinker in shed which is my idea of hell. The point being that I don't tell him how to spend his free time - if he wants to go biking to unwind then that's his choice. I certainly wouldn't appreciate being told how to spend my down time!

What do you do for a hobby? Is his gaming bothering you because you don't have an equivalent past time in the evenings? I would find something to do while he's gaming - a long bath, go to the gym, read, learn to knit, do an exercise class or go and see a friend - there's no need for you to sit at home and get annoyed with his hobby :)

How would you react if he randomly planned something?

And you're still saying 'grown up' about your behaviour. It's quite grown up to do lots of cooking, cleaning, parenting, working then sit down to do a hobby. That's his self-care. Is gaming any less adult than baking cupcakes or building model trains or biking? All things children love but are considered acceptable hobbies!

What matters to me is whether the balance of labour is equal. Is it?

I have zero patience with gaming so I feel your pain OP. Luckily my DH is the same.

You could give him some of the planning to do, but my mum’s experience of trying to do the same with my dad was a sad disaster.

he relaxes by gaming some nights. I find this annoying and childish for a 42 year old man. I have no interest in it.

Do you have to have an interest in his hobbies though? Swap gaming in your sentence, for reading, running, playing chess-does it matter that you don’t do it? What do you like to do?

Sorry but I'd be more concerned about my kids having to listen to you two constantly bickering and I agree you sound completely incompatible and are together for the kids. Unless you can both and actually want to make an effort to be kind and get on and do things together then I'd be thinking about calling it a day, if the bickering continues your kids will grow up to be exactly the same as the two of you, sorry but it's true.

Good points made on here. Yes if he did actually plan something maybe I wouldn't like it.. I do all the finances, holiday planning, ds school organising, and then stuff like cutting grass, painting etc. He doesn't seem to notice when these things need doing. Maybe I am being too grown up and I need to chill out more.. I do find it difficult to relax.

Really, you wouldn't like it, I doubt it if it was something nice for you. Also, maybe you find it hard to chill cos you have all the responsibilities on your shoulders, you're meant to be a team, equal, and share everything.

Gaming is harmless, if he did no work I would want him to step up, but he isn’t. My H gets annoyed if I facebook for half an hour (or mumsnet) but ironically is freq found on Angry birds!!

Why does it bother you if he games and finds it relaxing? Sounds like he’s pulling his weight in many areas of your life.
You sound heard work tbh and a bit controlling. Lighten up. Ask him if he’d like to go for a meal together, to the cinema etc. Try to reconnect

Sounds like you do all the mental load stuff, but because he does half the housework he thinks thats it, 50:50, I can switch off now. Whilst actually, 50% of the housework is only 25% of what needs to be done in total. So in reality he's doing 25%, then going off to relax and telling you you don't appreciate all he does, whilst you're busy doing the other 75%. Does that sound right?

Actually I hate gaming. I feel exactly the same that a grown up man should find grown up interests and I even cited it in divorce proceedings from my exH.

However... That's where the similarities end. He didn't clean, cook or contribute half to the finances. He only ever thought of himself and thought fixing a broken sink or curtain rail with sellotape was OK. I could seriously go on for hours.

I think it's a 50/50 here. You've become over familiar and are taking him for granted. Consider how you would feel if he suddenly told you he'd had enough and had found someone else. Does that make you sad or relieved. That's your answer

How much time and effort do your finances and holidays take?

I'd rather deal with that than cooking, ironing and shopping.
Who cleans, does the dishes and washes the clothes? Is is all you?
Who takes children to and from school and activities?

Do you both enjoy personnal time?

If you are always planning, does that mean you aren't able to relax? You'd drive me mad if that is the case. I'd hate spending more than a couple of days planning any holidays.

Blimey I feel bad now! Perhaps I am a controlling nightmare who is hard work!

I would be gutted if he left me obviously.

The thing with gaming is that it is so passive and he plays with his friends online doing missions so I can't even talk to him or interrupt him to ask him something when he is in the middle of them

You are all right that I need to lighten up and try and make life more enjoyable instead of planning projects and things. The last time I actually sat and watched a film with him I enjoyed it but I sometimes feel guilty just sitting watching telly so yes I need to work on me I suppose..

I probably don't tell him I appreciate him enough.

I will make an effort to be less of control freak and try and be nicer

By the way we never bicker in front of ds it's normally after he has gone to bed.

Think you sound like a good couple and that you're just letting life get in the way of your relationship, and have got stuck in a rut.

Book a holiday, organise some date nights, etc. I'm sure you can find a babysitter you could pay so you could have a date night once a month / every couple of months which might help.

I don't see a problem with him gaming in the evenings if he's doing all that other stuff around the house . It sounds like you're missing his adult company and craving some quality time together so rather than him spending every evening doing this, you spend some time together.

Talk to him about it - and even if you spend one night a week together watching something you both like on tv / cooking and eating together and go out on regular dates i'm sure it'll help!

PS i think hobbies are fine but i wouldn't be happy either if my husband spent every night of the week gaming and I couldn't talk to him. I think a few nights a week on individual hobbies is good and healthy but not every night - i'd miss having my husband to cuddle up with on the sofa - so if he is doing it every night of the week then I don't blame you for being a bit annoyed.

Why don't you agree some nights to spend on your separate hobbies, and some nights where you do things together?

Obviously with DS going out isn't always an option but you could have a movie night at home, cook a nice dinner with wine/candles, have a board game night or something - no phones or distractions and just spend some time as a couple.

I suspect that if you did manage to relax with him that he'd play less games. Could you give it a try for, say, a month?

I think gaming can be good escapism and help people unwind. A lot of games are rated 18 and the adult gaming industry is huge so it’s not just your dh. I think if it’s taking over his life that’s a different matter but if it’s in moderation then really you need to work on your mindset not his. If you feel guilty sitting watching a film then that’s also not particularly usual and you might need to work on allowing yourself to relax.