Dh and I appear to be incompatible

[happyguineapig]

We've been together 20 years,and since having ds 5 years ago with no family support we have struggled. We have drifted apart I think and don't enjoy spending time together much anymore. He says I complicated and don't communicate well. I feel he is too laid back and doesn't plan or think of the future. He is a good dad and on the rare occasion that we are not bickering and getting on I find him funny and attractive but other times I am infuriated by him. We both have stressful jobs he relaxes by gaming some nights. I find this annoying and childish for a 42 year old man. I have no interest in it. He thinks I am a control freak and always planning... but someone has to. I do love him and I can't remember the last time we sat down and talked without arguing and enjoyed each other's company. He says I don't appreciate what he does.. he does a lot of cooking, all the ironing, shopping so we have quite a role reversal.. are we doomed? Feels like it. I don't want to split especially because of our ds. What can we do?

I like the post that says you sound like a good couple. You've got each other's backs, you prioritise parenting, you share the workload, and you find each other attractive and funny. Maybe try and find a common interest. Life is always a bit nicer when my husband and I have a tv show that we're into together, the last one that we really loved was The Good Place (highly recommended!). Another thing that sounds a bit silly was that we went out for a meal and I used a 'first date conversation ideas' checklist as a lighthearted game (think it popped up on my Pinterest). We didn't take it seriously at all but it was interesting hearing stories or opinions that you bring up at the beginning of a relationship but get so often ignored after many years. It's worth a try. I hope things can become lovely again for you, good luck.

Thanks soren yes I think I need to invest more into "us". We haven't been out together for about a year ☹️ I am going to book a babysitter for next weekend and try your conversation game

He is really interesting when we are not talking about what needs doing who is going to look after ds and where we are going to go in the Easter holidays, what needs doing round the house etc

I am also going to try and be nicer say thank you more try and bring some affection in
I think we have just got in a rut..

The gaming thing annoys me but it's his way to relax he doesn't go the pub all the time or spend weekends on the golf course so I need to accept this

Going to try and have a nice few family days.. I will report back

Thanks for all your advice

Good luck OP

"Actually I hate gaming. I feel exactly the same that a grown up man should find grown up interests and I even cited it in divorce proceedings from my exH. "A

And what, pray tell, are "grown up interests"?

Holidays can be quite stressful, like Xmas too many expectations.
Agree regular time together for a while, just once a week go for a walk, have lunch out. Book leave if you have to, for a few half days. Keep hold of some couple time longer term. It really helps and need not cost much.

My mother is big on planning and most of her conversations revolve around it. I find it really draining talking to her. We can never just "be", we always have to be talking about next month or next holiday or what needs doing to the house.

Try to find some fun things to do together and enjoy the here and now.

I don't think it's a matter of saying thank you to recognise what he does in the home, unless he keeps saying it to you too.
More acknowledging that he does his fair share or a lot and making you don't complain about what you do by comparison.