Is it better to have a best friend-type partner or a romantic tingly one?

[VelveteenGrabbit]

I've namechanged as don't want to out myself.
Just want some opinions really. I'm thinking of separating from my DH as our relationship has been, for a while, pretty stale. We haven't had sex for over 3 years, and don't talk about it. I'm not happy, but not really sure where to go with it.

He's my best friend in lots of ways, he knows me really well, I know he'd do anything for me, and I know he loves me very much. But.. there's no spark. There's no tingle. I don't particularly want to be affectionate with him, and I certainly don't want to have sex with him.

Basically, is this it? Do I settle for good companionship for the rest of my life (I'm early thirties), or do I give myself some freedom and independence?

We have two small DC so obviously I'm not in a rush to upend their lives.

Would really appreciate some clarity here - has anyone been in the same position? What did you do?

You seem to have very good foundations relationship wise.

Children can kill your sex life

You fancied him once are you sure you both can’t make more of an effort?

Sex therapy?

I don't particularly want to be affectionate with him, and I certainly don't want to have sex with him.

Well, you obviously used to want to at some point, or you would never have got together & got married.

Can you figure out what’s changed?

You say the two options are companionship for life (which seems to assume that your DH will never leave you) or giving yourself freedom and independence. What gives you the sense that these are the two options? Do you feel that you don't have freedom and independence in your relationship?

Definitely kids can kill the sex life - but all my friends who have DC still seem to have a pretty compatible sex life.

And yes I did fancy him originally of course, but for some reason, I honestly can't even imagine having sex with him now.

it's not just the sex - I do feel trapped and stifled and suffocated in a marriage with children. He is desperate to keep the family together, and wants to do things as a family, whereas I need my own space and I feel like I'm about to explode when I've been with my children for too long.

There must be some reason why you don't like him at the moment. From what you said about being with the children too long, perhaps you have accidentally fallen into the traditional man/woman division of labour without meaning to? If you don't get on well with that it will feel stifling. Leaving you stressed out rather than feeling sexy, and resentful towards him for still living an independent life?

You think about what’s changed, what needs to change for you to be happy, then you talk to him.

Why think your only to options are to leave or to keep things the same? I’d be very worried if my relationship had not continued to evolve over the years! We just talk regularly and steer it the way we want to.

If you had a few hours each week ofguilt-free, chore-free time, would that make a difference?

If so, tell him. And point out that this is the best way to keep the family together.

It's ok to need your own space, within reason and you should definitely have time every week when you get to go off and do your own thing. If you don't currently have that then that needs to start.

However, it also seems like something more is going on. Are you feeling overwhelmed? Depressed?

I once knew someone who stipulated an annual weeks retreat on her own as a pre-condition of starting a family.

Definitely negotiate some space and more balance to individual and family time, then see if you can work out some couple time once you have more of yourself back. In my experience some men often concentrate on family time rather than taking the kids out on their own or 1:1 time with each kid because they always have their partner there to organise/fix/manage, and they can be fun dad.

Reliability and loyalty and friendship have a lot going for them. Take care of the relationship before you inadvertently throw it away emotionally. It might still have something.

I’m not sure if time together would help. We have tried to have date nights etc, but I end up feeling awkward and drinking too much, and I feel like there’s pressure on us to have sex afterwards (even though we never do).

I definitely need my own space, and he’s really good at letting me have that, but then I feel guilty that he doesn’t have the same - he doesn’t seem to want to. And then I feel like a bad mother because I don’t always want to spend time with the kids whereas he always does.

I pretty much feel guilty all the time, and that whatever I do will be the wrong thing.

I’ve been feeling this way for a long time, and yes I am depressed. I’m on ADs and I have an eating disorder which is getting worse, plus I’m drinking too much.

I just want to do the right thing, but I feel like what’s right for me isn’t going to be right for anyone else.

I think you would be mad not to try couples therapy first,

He needs to recognise that you need some space and not feel threatened by it. I think you can't underestimate that your sex life can wax and wane throughout a marriage - like most things you need to put effort in, dating , cuddles, massages, getting over the awkwardness of not having sex for 3 years...

X-posts!

I think you need to ask him if he wants sex with you and if yes at lest try to get over the cringe and try again. Yes it's awkward the first few times...

Are you having therapy? Don't make the mistake of blaming your unhappiness on your marriage without exploring things with a good professional that you click with.

Hmm, therapy and self help first ideally. You need to keep the spark alive in long term relationships, if it's been too long often we can feel a bit uncomfortable about intimacy, it's a well documented thing in relationship psychology. I think if you leave you may feel stagnant about future relationships eventually. Also there is absolutely nothing wrong feeling like the kids often push you to the limit and needing a break, most nights by 5pm I'm ready for the sofa and to unwind. Raising children is hard work, nobody loves it all the time. I spend weeks fire fighting with my three sometimes, it's exhausting.

Do you both work outside the house?

Ok, well if you're on ADs, have and eating disorder and are drinking too much then my very strong advice is not to make any big decisions at the moment. You're clearly very unwell and you need to get that sorted first.

What support do you have?

then I feel guilty that he doesn’t have the same - he doesn’t seem to want to
But you are different. Don't feel guilty for looking after your needs, just because he does not have the same needs. Makes no sense, honestly.

Guilt was/is a big part of depression with me, too. Maybe you are not on the right ADs? Sounds like you are really stuck in negative thoughts still.

Have you had therapy? ADs helped me greatly, but when I am off them or they are not working, it's the therapy I also had which at least makes me realise that I am having too many negative thoughts, and also helps me go through them more rationally.

I could have pretty much wrote most of this.
I totally get where you are coming from. Except I use the kids as a buffer. I don't know what to talk to him about spray from the kids so I avoid spending 1 on 1 time because o am so awkward.

My friend sent me this today.
I don't know if it will help.
But it made me want to try be back to the old us.
Good luck

thespottedzebra we both work full time outside the house.

I admit I’m possibly not in the greatest head space at the moment, but I don’t think I’m unwell.

I really can’t imagine “ripping the band aid off” and just having sex with him because I should... if I don’t want to have sex, and he does, isn’t that a little like unconsensual sex?

Sunshin sorry to hear you’re feeling like this too. I know what you mean about using the kids as a buffer.

I am having some counselling - I had my first phone session today, and I think it will be helpful.

We have discussed couples counselling, but he doesn’t want to spend the money unless there’s a chance for us to stay together, which at the moment I’m not sure there is.

I do feel guilty most of the time - about everything. I feel like I’m letting my family down because they want me to try things with DH, and that I’m being selfish for putting my needs first.

Op

You are on anti depressants?

That is the reason right there why you have no sex drive!!!!!!

Honestly they are complete passion killers

Quitelikely I do have a sex drive, just not with him

All I'm getting from your posts is a very negative vibe about your partner. You are really negative in your tone, about him. Do you actually like him?

Sometimes, I think we don't like ourselves very much (I've had an ED too) and we project that onto the person who is safest.

I agree with others that if you are depressed then now is a very bad time to be taking life changing decisions. You also sound like you like your DH a great deal, but the passion has disappeared. Frankly, small kids, changing responsibilities, working full time is enough to throw lots of people off balance. This is totally normal.my youngest is now 8 and I can't tell you how different it feels now compared to having small children. Having small children is HARD. It's unrelenting on so many fronts. With the benefit of hindsight, the vast majority of my friends say how difficult they found the period when their dcs were young. Guilt seems to be a very common theme. The good news is it does get easier. I would recommend finding someone to talk to who might be able to help you get your spark back.