Is it better to have a best friend-type partner or a romantic tingly one?

[VelveteenGrabbit]

I've namechanged as don't want to out myself.
Just want some opinions really. I'm thinking of separating from my DH as our relationship has been, for a while, pretty stale. We haven't had sex for over 3 years, and don't talk about it. I'm not happy, but not really sure where to go with it.

He's my best friend in lots of ways, he knows me really well, I know he'd do anything for me, and I know he loves me very much. But.. there's no spark. There's no tingle. I don't particularly want to be affectionate with him, and I certainly don't want to have sex with him.

Basically, is this it? Do I settle for good companionship for the rest of my life (I'm early thirties), or do I give myself some freedom and independence?

We have two small DC so obviously I'm not in a rush to upend their lives.

Would really appreciate some clarity here - has anyone been in the same position? What did you do?

Therapy is a good idea, as is self-help.Taking a slightly different approach, I read a book by a therapist that suggested agreeing together that sex is completely off the table. As you don't have sex now, I think he would agree to this if you frame it as a positive step forward on a journey. From that point you can start interacting with each other and going on dates again without the pressure and the guilt. If it goes well you could potentially try, eg, snogging like teenagers, or behaving more affectionately, but with actual sex still off the table. You might find you enjoy his company more without all of the guilt about not having sex, and it might help to re-kindle the spark (or at least help you to feel more positive about re-kindling the spark).

Some really good and thoughtful replies here, thank you.

I’m not sure about the negative vibe - that may come across but really, he’s done nothing wrong. He’s frustrated and sad that I’m feeling this way and that he can’t make it better. I am feeling more and more that this is a ME thing that I need to fix... I don’t mean to project negativity into him, but I’m certainly not being a great person to him or for him.

Someone doesn't have to do something wrong for us to feel negative towards them though, do they?

If you are unhappy with your relationship, you are unhappy with him AND yourself. If you are feeling negative generally about the partnership. Is he not meeting a specific need for you? Can you breakdown what that need might be?

Keep your safe husband and have a secret lover ;).

I personally like the best friend type relationship

You have to separate the component parts out of the negativity;

Him
Relationship
Yourself

Etc. Then really get into the nitty gritty. Your eating disorder is a psychological disorder. So is your depression. You need to try get to the root of what is in your mind - what's going on emotionally to cause frustration, guilt, resentment etc.

I got out out of a 'friend' type marriage after 8 long years,I hadn't had any type of sexual feelings for him in 7 of those years.Best thing I ever did sad as it was but now I have my gorgeous 'tingly ' dh

Oh and we had relationship counselling but that wasn't any good

Well - is your sex drive with someone else? That's a whole different conversation, and if you've been thinking of this 'someone else' you maybe are not feeling it for hubby. Sex drive is driven by dopamine and oestrogen, things that can be affected by anxiety and depression. And if someone else is making your motor hum you'll be in no mood for it with your hubby. I'd suggest you discuss with your hubby and get counselling, come up with some key milestones. Do this before you have an affair. If the key milestones aren't met then think about moving on. As you are in your early 30s you are about to hit your sexual peak too....

My ex got bored with me, I was always working, doing jobs around the house or spending time with our daughter, not giving her enough attention (sexy or otherwise) and she got it somewhere else - she is 100% wrong for doing this but I played some part in this. Interestingly since being separated my health/fitness has improved, my libido has gone through the roof, from once every month or two as a 'chore' with my ex, to four or five times a week with my new woman, my libido is higher at 50 than it was at 30, I know it wont last at that level, but now i'm out of the dull marriage I've never felt more alive.

Is it dh or the children you want space from? As thinking if you split then he will have them to himself more often, and you get space - which might be making it more appealing?
Don't feel guilty about needing space, and people can have different parenting styles. Mine admittedly are older but as an example, went away overnight with 3 other friends who have children....all bar me had contact with their kids. I don't feel the need to check in and they are self sufficient enough and were with their dad. Motherhood can be suffocating, perhaps you need to be sure the problem lies with dh or being a parent.

"We have discussed couples counselling, but he doesn’t want to spend the money unless there’s a chance for us to stay together, which at the moment I’m not sure there is."

But you're not sure there isn't? That suggests you feel there could be a chance, even if you feel distant at the moment. So tell him. It sounds like he isn't daring to hope things could improve, and counselling could help you communicate more effectively with each other.

There's a really good book by Esther Perel called Mating in Captivity. It seeks to explain why sex often withers in LTR, and looks at ways to rediscover each other. I've read it several times and found the case studies reassuring and her advice practically useful.
It seems a shame to duck out of a good relationship without giving it your absolute all to fix it.

I'd also advise caution about big decisions, as you might not feel like it is the depression talking, but that is usually the case when you have your depression goggles on, isn't it?

If you do feel rationally like it makes more sense to leave, fair enough, though. There are ways to do that which are less painful for everyone involved, and from the respectful way you write about your husband it sounds as if you could do it the decent way.

My ex did it the non-decent way. Even so, when he came to me complaining that he felt guilty about breaking up our family, I basically scoffed at him and told him that that was not an issue. It was horrible being rejected the way he rejected me, but obviously, if he didn't want to live with me, I'd much rather not live with him! I am angry with him for treating me disrespectfully, but not for him wanting to divorce. People do that all the time. It frees up both partners to try their luck again elsewhere, gives them both a chance at (perhaps) a more fulfilling life.

Even if you don't stay together, counselling would still be a good idea so that you can both get through this (whatever this is) feeling as mentally OK as possible and thus able to look after your children together as well as possible. Might be a good idea to press your husband on that a bit more.

And maybe don't share quite so much with your family?

I subscribe as far as possible to 'mend it, don't end it'. Think that's from Marley and Me, but still.

Sounds like you don't want to make the effort and have given up. Relationships are hard and you're going through a rough patch. Cut yourself and DH some slack. I do think you owe it to your DH and DC to make every reasonable effort to get the relationship back before you uproot everything, so at least you can honestly say that you tried. But that's my opinion. Good luck with whatever you decide. Hope it works out for all of you.

You know that saying "wherever you go, there you are"? When you are depressed you can feel this sort of irritated desperate horror, a kind of clawing claustrophobia and desire to run away from people. A feeling that if you only changed X or Y or Z, then you would be happy. It is a persuasive and difficult to shake idea, a way of eternalising all that you feel so that you can roll up your sleeves and set about changing it - making it right.

It's really hard to know what would be there in your relationship, if anything, once you removed depression and ED stuff. I don't know how far along the road you are in terms of counselling for thpersonal stuff but I would have a load of that, say six months and then re-evaluate. It's perfectly possible your relationship has run it's course and I won't discount that - it could well be the case. But you might need to do some inner work first before you can uncover what is going on. Never fear, nothing is wasted though because if you do end up deciding to leave, it will be helped by the thought and care you have out into your counselling and reflection, so whatever happens you will know you are making right choice. x

There doesn’t have to be one or the other

My partner is my best friend. He also still gives me butterflies and I get excited seeing him every single day. I love the bones off him and no other man has ever made me feel like he does

I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship without feeling that way. I imagine I’d feel very lonely. Life is too short.

im going to go against the popular opinion and say it doesnt sound fixable to me. i think once the attraction goes it rarely comes back. i felt the same in my last relationship and it made me miserable. no sex for 3 years and im in my 20s!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/markmanson.net/fuck-yes/amp

Thanks everyone for your replies - been away so apologies for late response.

Sarah - was it definitely worth ending your marriage for? Did you have children to consider?

Rebecca - LOL, tempting

TBH I'm very confused. I sort of seesaw between wanting my freedom, and then craving the safety, security and familiarity of DH.

Sandman - what you said is interesting. I'm wondering whether DH's life might be better off without me, and similar things might happen for him?

Rhubarb what you said about depression is absolutely true. I sometimes (ok quite often) just get this massive urge to run away somewhere - jump on a train, go to an airport and just disappear. But I know deep down that it won't rationally help me, and that my problems will still be there.

I suppose I need to work on myself first, and certainly not jump into any massive decisions.

I have some counselling sessions set up over the phone, so will try and use those to help.

Well I would say that in a good relationship you have both but getting on well is more important than sexual/romantic attraction in a committed relationship. Especially where children are involved. I just don't see the point in giving up a good thing (even of it is not great) when you don't necessarily stand to gain anything. You have to remember that leaving him may just result in you being entirely alone for the rest of your life or a strong of bad relationships. What is the point in taking the risk? Surely it would be better to try to find a way to make what you already have work a bit better?

I'm glad you've managed to set up some sessions, I hope they help you feel like you again and end up in a better place to make a decision. Depression is horrible and it takes a long time to climb your way back out

Oops was a mistake!!!