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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice and a handhold

33 replies

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 08:41

I've finally realised just how emotionally abusive and controlling my OH. I've stayed for many reasons, partly because financially I'm screwed but also I'm worried about him having them without me there.

I've finally made the step to talk to someone from the health visiting team about what started off as my concern for my children over something he does as a punishment but then ended up with everything coming out. She said a health visitor will be calling me to help but they haven't yet. I don't know if they're busy, it's been forgotten or maybe things aren't as bad as I think so it's not a priority for them.

The punishment is something I can't discuss as its too outing but it's more emotional abuse than physical. I popped out for an hour the other day and came back and he had done it again because she wouldn't do what he said. I had a go and basically he told me that if I don't want him doing it then I can't leave the house as I need to be there to stop it and not leave them.

Would that go in my favour for not letting him have them unsupervised? I can't bare the thought of him having weekend access as it escalates so quickly. I wouldn't have left them for the hour then but everyone was in a good mood so I thought it would be ok. I won't leave when he's in a bad mood or one of the children are being difficult because I know how it could end up. Everyone tells me how lucky I am and what a great dad he is but no one sees the other side. I can't see why anyone would believe how he can be to support me with it all. When he's ok he's great with them and that's all that people see.

There's loads more than goes on but after 5 years this would be a very long thread. I'm not drip feeding, just can't put everything.

OP posts:

Goatlady5812 · 28/03/2018 09:07

Oh my goodness. This sounds horrific. Are you planning on leaving? You shouldn’t be worried to leave your children with him
Although I do sympathise as I too have been in that situation. I’m not sure entirely what the HV is going to put into place? Have you ever sought counselling etc? Offering you a huge hug but I think it goes without saying you certainly should not be living like this- so he’s basically saying you can’t leave your children because he will subject them
To what sounds like EA?!

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 09:12

The person I spoke to turned out to be a nursery nurse, she came out to do my youngest's 2 year check and I finally had the resolve to speak to someone about it. She said that a health visitor would talk to me about our options so I've been waiting for that. I wondering if to just call social services and ask for their advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 09:14

Sorry, didn't answer any of your questions! Yes I want to leave, just don't know how I'll cope with it all. I'm the person that annoys everyone on here... unmarried stay at home mum and not on the mortgage for the house. I have royally screwed myself and my children over.

Do you mean couples counselling? He wouldn't do it even if I suggested it.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 28/03/2018 09:20

You know you need to get yourself and your DC out of this situation.
And yes, the punishments he dishes out should go some way towards ensuring he doesn't have sole access to them at any time.
Tell your HV exactly what is going on here.
It sounds like it could be very damaging for your poor DC so get them out quick sharp.
Womens Aid can also help you with all of this if you need a safe exit plan. 0808 2000 247

Hellenbach · 28/03/2018 09:24

Best people to call are Women’s Aid
www.womensaid.org.uk
Tel 0808 2000 247
As this is classed as emotional abuse.

They will give you lots of helpful advice.

It sounds like the nursery nurse was inexperienced and didn’t recognise this as a safeguarding issue.

Well done on taking the first step to protect your children

dirtybadger · 28/03/2018 09:24

In a way although in the long term you are financially worse off, you are in a position of freedom regarding leaving and cutting ties as a couple. You have no financial ties or commitments to him or the house. Do you have somewhere you could stay (family?)? If not, any savings to find somewhere with DC? Ive never done it, but assume applying for benefits will be more simple as there is no shade of grey about the fact you are a single mother, once moved out.

Goatlady5812 · 28/03/2018 11:05

This is indeed a huge safeguarding issue- you can contact social care for advice and def contact womens aid. You absolutely cannot stay here and you certainly aren’t annoying it’s a huge huge step but you’ve made a massive one by acknowledging the problems so well done for that.

Lastoftheusernames · 28/03/2018 11:14

OP, I left my ex because of EA (and other abuses), but mostly because of his attitude towards and treatment of DC. My experience is it's very difficult to prove anything or get anyone to care or listen regarding this kind of abuse and concerns for DC and it won't stop him having unsupervised contact. My advice would be to see what can be logged officially ie with the police to support your case.

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 14:10

Thanks everyone. I will call women's aid as soon as I get the chance, it's difficult as I don't want to have the conversation in front of my children then he's around in the evenings.

I guess I need to accept that he may end up with weekends with them on his own, I just hope it doesn't go 50/50 as I don't think I would cope.

I could move in with my mum, I think my dad could lend me money to get started up again if I found somewhere to rent, finding somewhere on benefits seems next to impossible but maybe if I could provide 6 months up front it would help.

He'll quit his job as soon as I leave so I guess i wouldn't get any money off him, not sure if I could afford my own place until I can sort out a job, then it's the fun of sorting out a job around childcare and the fact that I've not worked in 5 years. I was starting the process of becoming a childminder but I guess that won't be happening now. I'm part way through a degree too, not sure how that'll work out either. Still at least I'll be making steps to get us out of this toxic environment.

OP posts:

Yesitsme1 · 28/03/2018 16:09

One step at a time Shimmer and some of those steps will feel so tiny they're barely worth making but they are because they are inching you further towards freedom. Try not to look at the long term too much, concentrate on the next, immediate steps you can take to move yourself forward.

What you're doing will mean huge changes and change is always scary but I would imagine the thought of any more years with this man is even more terrifying and that's how you know you have to leave. If you look at the big picture it will feel overwhelming so just try to focus on one small thing at a time.

Try to make time for that call to WA, I know it's difficult with the children but you really need some real life support. Post here as much as you need too, there's a wealth of knowledge on this board and endless moral support so don't be afraid to lean on us

Yesitsme1 · 28/03/2018 16:15

One other thing, as soon as you have any contact with support services get his EA of the children down on record. Don't hold back for a second and make sure you tell them everything. It needs to take precedence in any social services reports, court paperwork, everywhere, that will give you the best chance of getting supervised contact only (for him obviously) later down the line.

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 17:21

He's out Friday night so I can call them.

I can't get my head round if what he's doing is crappy parenting or abuse, hopefully they can answer that. Not that it'll make a difference to how I feel about it.

Thanks everyone, I feel less alone with it all now

OP posts:

Footle · 28/03/2018 17:38

Counselling with an abuser is not recommended by anyone with any sense.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 28/03/2018 17:40

How old are the dc? Let him take to to court for access. Depending on their ages he may not get contact at all after welfare reports.

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 17:43

They're 5 and 2.5. The 5 year old adores him.

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Greymisty · 28/03/2018 18:20

Realistically how long could you stay with your mum? Was just wondering if it could be long termish to take some of the strain off. Agree with other pp call womens aid when you can.
Also do you think the 5 yr old really adores him or is he so moody and possibly scary that she's desperately eager to please him?

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 28/03/2018 18:28

I think at times she is eager to please him but she does also adore him. Despite everything he's the fun parent, it's just when he's in a bad mood or she won't do as he says that it goes wrong. He goes from one extreme to the other

OP posts:

SingleAgainThen · 28/03/2018 18:32

You sound intelligent & savvy. It’s great that you’ve got your parent’s support - use it.

Do what you need to which might be short term pain for long term gain. You need to get yourself & your kids out of that environment for all your sakes.

You can do it.

Greymisty · 28/03/2018 18:42

I'm no expert but being the fun parent is part of the EA creating highs and lows like your on a rollercoaster with them and they dictate the ride.

I hope you can get some advice and RL support soon. And to use a MN phrase - get your ducks in a row. You can do this, your halfway through a degree and have two young kids you are clearly very capable.

shooshoopoopoo · 28/03/2018 21:19

It's abuse. If you partner tells you they feel uncomfortable about how you deal with your child, you consider what they say and ask yourself if they could be right. That's when you are bad parenting, you don't do it to harm, you do it because you know no different. If you dismiss your partner out of hand, it is abuse. You think you know best.
In terms of worrying about how he will be with them in the future in an unknown scenario, i would be more worried about it now, when you know it could happen any moment. You could phone NSPCC for advice. They work with Social Services when necessary.

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 31/03/2018 17:56

I can't do this much longer, he's spent all day shouting at everyone and I think I've started having panic attacks.

Just had a ridiculous discussion where at dinner he shouted at our 5 year old because she dropped some spaghetti and didn't pick it up, then later when they were having some nuts our 2 year old dropped one and got down from her stool to pick it up and got told off for getting down off her stool. I pointed out that earlier he told 1 off for not picking it up and is now telling the other off for picking it up and can he not see how confusing that is? Once again he is right and apparently it's up to him whether or not they should be picking things up when they drop them. WTF?!

I don't think I can get through this weekend before he goes back to work without seriously having some kind of breakdown.

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GladysKnight · 31/03/2018 18:06

Oh shimmer that sounds awful. Can you go and visit family for Easter tomorrow?

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 31/03/2018 18:08

We are, but with him. If he's still behaving the same tomorrow then I'll ask him not to bother coming.

OP posts:

GladysKnight · 31/03/2018 18:11

Glad you're not going to be stuck there alone with him tomorrow. I think there are others on here with much more useful practical things to say, but I didn't want you to feel alone.

Original poster

ShimmerAndShite · 31/03/2018 18:14

Thanks. I'm just writing it on here so that it's out and I can read how awful it is if that makes sense

OP posts:

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