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Relationships

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Original poster

After 4 years and a 2 year old, he doesn't want to marry me.

45 replies

Amytothez · 28/03/2018 05:41

We are both 42 years old and have been together for 4 years. Our daughter just turned 2. Our relationship took off pretty fast, and we settled in very nicely together. When we first got together, he had been separated from his wife for 6 years. She was living off him and was in no hurry to end the marriage, and he wanted to avoid dealing with her. I put the pressure on to divorce so that our relationship would continue. About a year in and feeling the pressure of the onset of 40 and that marriage would occur just as soon as the divorce was final, we decided to try to conceive, and it happened very quickly. Our daughter was born healthy and gorgeous, but the stress of having a newborn with no nearby family support started to take a toll on our relationship. His divorce finally became final about 18 months ago, but the subject of marriage became less frequent. He proposed a year ago around V Day and took it back 3 months later. It was then that I gave him a year ultimatum and here we are a year later, and he still loves me but doesn't want to marry. If I'm truly honest with myself, in my heart, I don't really want to marry him and would rather move on, but the guilt of separating his daughter from him makes me feel bad (we'd have to move cross country) But then I think it's all because of him and his inability to commit that we are here. Any opinions or advice from women who have been in this boat?

OP posts:

rocketgirl22 · 28/03/2018 05:46

You would rather move on? Why?

Could it be that his previous marriage was bad and that has influenced his decision not to marry again, or do you feel he doesn't love you? Or just doesn't want to get married? The two are separate issues.

You don't need to move so far away if you decide to split up is another option.

Kahlua4me · 28/03/2018 05:57

Could you move nearer to your family if you feel that bring so far away is affecting you relationship?

Why did he retract his proposal after 3 months?

How is your relationship generally?

TalkFastThinkSlow · 28/03/2018 06:23

I don't understand. Why do you want to move on? Is it just because he doesn't want to get married? You've already had a kid with him, which is kind of a bigger commitment already. Is it legal protection you want?

ivykaty44 · 28/03/2018 06:26

So if you don’t want to marry him and want to split up - what’s the problem with him not wanting to marry you?

Sounds like you want to split up

Angelf1sh · 28/03/2018 06:31

I don’t get the problem here, he doesn’t want to marry you and you don’t want to marry him. In fact you want to split up. Maybe you don’t need to move so far away? Maybe because could move equidistant from his work and hour new home? There’s no point in staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in and definitely no point in pushing for a marriage you don’t want.

Angelf1sh · 28/03/2018 06:32

*maybe he could move equidistant, not because.

NewMe18 · 28/03/2018 06:44

Why would you have to move away?

I’m constantly amazed at how many people “have” to up sticks and move their child/move away from their child after a divorce

WisestIsShe · 28/03/2018 06:44

When my first marriage ended, even though I wanted it to, I felt such guilt and failure. I always said I'd never get married again. It took me eight with the right man before I changed my mind. Could it be something similar?

bushtailadventures · 28/03/2018 07:13

I've been with my partner 30 years, we still aren't married. We have 4 dc, too, but he was so badly hurt by his ex that marriage was only ever a distant thought and we just never got around to it in the end. We talk about it occasionally, but only in an abstract way. Works for us, but we could be the exception I suppose.

tootiredtospeak · 28/03/2018 07:18

Your post is a bit confusing another one here happily unmarried in a 10 year relationship. 2 kids together. Its not the be all and end all and shouldnt end a relationship in my opinion.
However, if your not happy other than that then fine maybe you both rushed into things a bit. A newborn can sometimes test even the strongest of relationships so can a toddler.
If you want out so be it but you dont mention any terrible qualities about him maybe try counselling. I think you should at least try for your DD's sake.

TheNaze73 · 28/03/2018 07:26

It sounds like he’s allowed himself to be railroaded a bit & reality has bitten for him.

His want, to not marry is as valid as your want to me married.

It’s a ridiculous notion to suggest that he’s less committed to you & your DD just because he doesn’t want to marry you.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/03/2018 07:27

You sound controlling and manipulative tbh. You would rather rip your family apart and take your dd away from her dad just because you can't have your own way?

supersop60 · 28/03/2018 07:34

Are you saying that if he had been honest, and told you at the start that he didn't want to get married, that you wouldn't have committed to the relationship in the first place?
Moving on doesn't have to mean moving out - have you considered counselling?

Twofishfingers · 28/03/2018 07:34

I would ease off as well.

Some of the issues here are financial I get it, you probably want to have security if anything happened god forbid. But a will would make sure of that and you staying on top of your finances all the time so that if he was to leave, your daughter would be ok.

Just agree with him to stop talking about marriage. I have four siblings all older than me and I am the only one who is married, all others have been in long term relationships for decades so really you don't need to be married to have a rock solid relationship.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 07:37

You do realise that if he doesn't want you to move his child that far away, he can take steps to stop you, just as a woman can if a man tries the same move?

GeorgeTheHippo · 28/03/2018 08:02

He can try, expat, but those applications are usually unsuccessful.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 08:04

'He can try, expat, but those applications are usually unsuccessful.'

But some still are. It's not as easy as 'Well, done with the relationship, off you fuck to be the non-resident parent. Time to pay up the maintenance.' Bit rich of the OP to blame him for everything when she agreed to have a child without being married if marriage is what she wanted.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 08:05

It's not a given a person can up sticks and move across the country when the relationship breaks down and there's a child involved.

ivykaty44 · 28/03/2018 08:08

It’s rare for a block on a move away by family court

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2018 08:10

I'm with Naze

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2018 08:18

If you want to stay with him unmarried you have to be careful about maintaining financial independence. Do not be a SAHM. What's the property ownership situation?

Of course, if you have decided that the relationship has no future, irrespective of marriage, then break up.

Why would you have to move cross country?

Original poster

Amytothez · 28/03/2018 13:01

Thanks for the feedback. I did want to marry him, but the relationship took a big turn for me when he took back his proposal. Furthermore I’m a traditionalist and I’ve been very upfront that marriage was important to me. I just feel really betrayed and I think I just over time turned off my feelings. I do resent that I take on the childcare, most of the cleaning and cooking and I feel taken advantage of. I’m a SAhM running a business and contribute equally to the expenses. With regards to move we live in Bay Area and the cost of living has skyrocketed. It’s very hard to raise a family here and he’s been very unwilling to discuss next steps on where we would go when we will have to move on from our rental, which is coming soon. If we split I’ll need my family support and the cost of living is much more affordable.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2018 13:06

Furthermore I’m a traditionalist

Bollocks, OP. Never ceases to amaze me how often I read threads on MN where someone who has doubts over whether their partner ever plans to marry them says "I'm a traditionalist" despite the fact that they've been shacked up with them for a year or two and already had a baby. An actual traditionalist would do the marriage bit before deciding to try for a baby if marriage was that important to them; it's not as if this was an oops baby, but an actual decision. You went ahead and tried for, and got, a baby ahead of marriage and are now complaining about it.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 13:07

Wait a sec, you're in 'Bay Area' where? Because if you are in the States he can most definitely stop you moving across the country. The courts, particularly in California, are far more inclined to a child being in a state where both parents have equal access, no matter how much you think you need your family, the court will see it in the child's best interests to have regular physical contact with both parents.

It always makes me chuckle when people say they're traditional, but they actively TTC's when unmarried.

HobnobBob · 28/03/2018 13:26

You aren’t a traditionalist.

It reads like you’ve put the presssure on and given ultimatums throughout your whole relationship to achieve everything you want.

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