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Relationships

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Original poster

After 4 years and a 2 year old, he doesn't want to marry me.

45 replies

Amytothez · 28/03/2018 05:41

We are both 42 years old and have been together for 4 years. Our daughter just turned 2. Our relationship took off pretty fast, and we settled in very nicely together. When we first got together, he had been separated from his wife for 6 years. She was living off him and was in no hurry to end the marriage, and he wanted to avoid dealing with her. I put the pressure on to divorce so that our relationship would continue. About a year in and feeling the pressure of the onset of 40 and that marriage would occur just as soon as the divorce was final, we decided to try to conceive, and it happened very quickly. Our daughter was born healthy and gorgeous, but the stress of having a newborn with no nearby family support started to take a toll on our relationship. His divorce finally became final about 18 months ago, but the subject of marriage became less frequent. He proposed a year ago around V Day and took it back 3 months later. It was then that I gave him a year ultimatum and here we are a year later, and he still loves me but doesn't want to marry. If I'm truly honest with myself, in my heart, I don't really want to marry him and would rather move on, but the guilt of separating his daughter from him makes me feel bad (we'd have to move cross country) But then I think it's all because of him and his inability to commit that we are here. Any opinions or advice from women who have been in this boat?

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 13:32

This is quite a messy situation. I won't jump on the unmarried TTCs bashing bandwagon because it was a special scenario wasn't it. At your age you didn't have option to wait for the divorce. In all honesty I think you may be a bit stuck OP. I am curious though as to why he won't marry for the sake of his daughter. I just don't see the issue. He was happy to take on the commitment of raising a child together but won't marry.

katand2kits · 28/03/2018 13:37

I think some of the responses are a bit mean. The OP told her partner she wanted to get married. They couldn't get married right away because he wasn't divorced. if she had waited to have a baby, it might never have happened. Then he proposed and changed his mind about it. Surely anyone who has got engaged and then their fiance changes their mind about marriage is going to feel massively pissed off? Surely an end to the relationship is the most likely outcome in that scenario. If he has strung her along with a promise of marriage that he didn't intend to go through with, that is really shitty of him.

Adora10 · 28/03/2018 13:41

It’s a ridiculous notion to suggest that he’s less committed to you & your DD just because he doesn’t want to marry you.

Totally disagree with this, if my partner and father of my child refused to marry me I would see it as a sign that he is not committed, he has a child, what is he doing to protect you and said child?

Adora10 · 28/03/2018 13:41

I think some of the responses are a bit mean

With bells on!

PrizeOik · 28/03/2018 13:43

You're angry with him for betraying you. By not wanting to marry.

But you understand that he may have genuinely wanted to marry you before? And his feelings may have changed over time? What is he meant to do in that instance? Marry a woman because she is annoyed if he doesn't? Is that the right thing for him to do?

You even say yourself that you don't want the relationship to continue. But yet you feel betrayed by him? Why on Earth should he marry a woman who doesn't even want to be with him anymore just so she can soothe her bruised ego?

You aren't a traditionalist. You're a person who is embarrassed that the father of her child - who she doesn't even want to be with - doesn't want to get married. Pull your head out of your arse please.

TheNaze73 · 28/03/2018 14:29

Great post Prize

DobbyisFREE · 28/03/2018 15:11

the relationship took a big turn for me when he took back his proposal

This happened to me as well, it's been a few years and it still stings when I think of it. It completely changed the way I saw my relationship. Up until that point I'd thought he was the one but I was so hurt that doubt crept in for a long time.

Having a proposal taken away is a really horrible thing to go through and it does change things so I think people are being a bit harsh to you for feeling that way.

My relationship has mostly recovered because we've talked about it and we both agree that we want to get married once we have a house bought and have the money for it. I don't know how I'd feel if we hadn't agreed though, I think I'd still love him but I don't know if we could have lasted.

My brain keeps telling me I'm an idiot for getting so worked up over a piece of paper but the heart wants what it wants.

Ultimately you need to be open and tell him exactly how you feel. You need to come to an agreement or a compromise that won't make either of you bitter.

Original poster

Amytothez · 28/03/2018 15:18

Well actually people are leaving California st record levels. I wouldn’t be the first and certainly won’t be the last. Do you know how many people are living in their cars as a result of the lack of affordable housing? I’m trying to be responsible and practical about the situation in that even if I go back to work full time I cannot afford childcare and housing. He is aware of this and has no intention of trying to stop me from going. Anyways I answered my own question. I feel really betrayed and went along with things because he said he was truly committed, but his actions prove otherwise.

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 28/03/2018 16:24

I feel really betrayed and went along with things because he said he was truly committed, but his actions prove otherwise.

It's interesting op because YOUR actions show that marriage isn't important to you.

You shacked up with a man and had a baby with him, while he was still married to someone else... Now you cry betrayal? Think about what you're saying...

He probably loved you dearly and wanted to marry. Then he had a child with you and it laid bare some uncomfortable truths - and now he knows it wouldn't be wise to marry you.

It's not brain surgery and it's not a betrayal. It's life. Feelings are rarely fair.

Again - would it not be the ultimate betrayal for him to marry you when he knows it won't last??

RainyApril · 28/03/2018 16:33

Anyone who has experienced the break up of a long marriage will have serious issues about tying the knot again.

I don't think it necessarily suggests a lack of commitment. It's more that you now know that even perfect marriages can go wrong.

Personally I would never remarry because I know the vows are hollow promises, meant at the time but not necessarily lasting. I wouldn't want to experience divorce or the messy separation of finances. I would want to separate cleanly and quickly should the worst happen. It wouldn't mean I didn't fully expect to be together forever, or that I didn't love that person.

Adora10 · 28/03/2018 16:40

Whether he was hurt from his marriage failure is irrelevant to the fact tht he took away his proposal, that's just lovely.

Whatever, you both don't sound like you are ready to marry each other.

Original poster

Amytothez · 28/03/2018 16:44

I had nothing to do with his marriage ending. They were separated for 5-6 years and living hours apart and didn’t want to go through the hassle of the courts an the expense of divorce. Since their relationship was over and I knew that there was no chance or desire for reconciliation, I went along. Again with my age and the desire to have a child factored in heavily.

OP posts:

GeorgeTheHippo · 28/03/2018 16:44

we live in Bay Area

Ignore what I said. I was talking about English law.

PrizeOik · 28/03/2018 16:53

Whether he was hurt from his marriage failure is irrelevant to the fact tht he took away his proposal, that's just lovely.

Serious question - if you proposed to someone and then realized, oh shit, we really shouldn't get married - what would be the right thing for you to do?

Wouldn't it be the least lovely thing of all, to go ahead with the marriage? Surely it is the kindest and most responsible thing NOT to go ahead?

SandyY2K · 28/03/2018 16:57

Never ceases to amaze me how often I read threads on MN where someone who has doubts over whether their partner ever plans to marry them says "I'm a traditionalist" despite the fact that they've been shacked up with them for a year or two and already had a baby. An actual traditionalist would do the marriage bit before deciding to try for a baby if marriage was that important to them

.. Totally agree with this. ..

However ... Being realistic... I suspect due to your age and the prospect of declining fertility you couldn't hang about if you wanted a baby.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2018 16:59

If a man withdrew a proposal...I would have ended the relationship.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 28/03/2018 17:18

I’m a traditionalist

Mmm of course you are, yet you shacked up with a married man and before really knowing him decided to have a child.

It sounds like you just wanted a child not the father hence how so easily you are ready to leave when you don't get your own way.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2018 18:37

You got what you wanted, you got a child.

HobnobBob · 28/03/2018 19:50

You got what you wanted, you got a child.

Yup, I think it was only really ever about this.

Maybe he didn’t want to marry again, really. Not everyone does after getting divorced.

RainyApril · 28/03/2018 20:45

Withdrawing the proposal must have been devastating, and I think you're getting some very unkind responses on here.

He had been separated for years and it sounds to me like you wanted the whole 'happily ever after', which included him, and not just a child.

But I also think he was right to be honest if he had changed his mind about marriage, and any woman posting about doubts would be given that advice on here : be honest, tell your partner.

Op, if you feel that the temperature of your relationship has changed, that he no longer appears invested in 'forever' then I think you have little choice but to separate. But if he is showing he loves you in all the ways that matter, but just cannot commit to marriage, I would suggest you reconsider ending things for now at least.

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