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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Debt and Lies

29 replies

Someone01 · 27/03/2018 14:32

Hi all. Namechanged for this but I am a (kind of) regular, if occasional, poster.

I’m after a bit of advice on my situation with my DP. Bit of background first. We’re not living together but have been together for around 3 years and are planning to. I’m divorced with shared care of 2 children. My issues are around money and lies.

My DP is rubbish with money. They earn well but spend it all, and more, and are frequently unable to buy anything in the run up to payday. No issues with gambling, drugs or drinking as far as I can see, the spending seems to be on “stuff”. Clothes, shoes, gadgets, etc. This has been an issue since we got together but it all came to a head a year ago. I bailed them out (I know I know) and cleared their credit cards (c£5k) and they are paying me back. 6 months ago I found out they had taken out a new credit card in secret and racked up £2k on it. We broke up at that point but after assurances they would never lie again, and that the money situation would be under control we got back together.

I have now found out that at the same time as the secret CR card they also took out a loan in secret for another £2k. So all the time we were sorting the issues around the CR card and they assured me there was nothing else they were lying, and have done for the 6 months since then.

I’m frankly really angry and upset they could lie whilst we sorted out the CR card, and continue to lie since, and I feel taken advantage of by bailing them out only for them to run up debts in secret again. I’m, however, torn as we don’t live together and despite having plans to, I worry that their debt isn’t my business at this point. Am I being controlling wanting to know what debts they have, what bills are unpaid (and when bailiffs come round)?

There are other issues but I don’t think this is about them. For example their house is filthy so I don’t like staying there and they made no effort to clean up for over a year. They do suffer from depression and that’s why I’m forgiving over the house, and other issues, that I accept stem from that. When we’re together it’s good, they are caring, fun, great with the kids, we have a lot in common and I was happy to think we’d be spending the rest of our lives together. I now wonder if that is possible, or wise.

OP posts:

Addy2 · 27/03/2018 14:46

I wouldn't, personally. Far too easy to get caught up in their mountain of debt. Besides which, I dare say you'd soon tire of cleaning up after them if you shared a home. You need an equal partner, really, rather than another dependent.

LIZS · 27/03/2018 14:50

Those are just the ones you know about. i doubt spending like this anything new and there may well be other longer standing financial issues from the past, yet to emerge. You cannot risk your dc future security on this. They will not change.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/03/2018 14:53

God, you're a lot more patient than I am. You've paid £9,000 - NINE THOUSAND POUNDS! - of debt for this person (is it a woman?) and you are accused of being controlling?

And their house is filthy and yet you are planning to live with them? Are you mad?

Get out of this very, very unhealthy relationship as fast as you can.

xpc316e · 27/03/2018 14:54

All I can do is recommend you read of the policeman who is about to be sentenced for his wife's murder. He was in charge of the money and racked up huge debts due to a lavish lifestyle. Things were approaching crisis and at one point he applied for 15 loans in one day. Eventually he was found out when he fraudulently applied for a £58K loan in his wife's name. They rowed and he killed her. Could you honestly say that this would never happen to you if you were together?

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 14:55

You are planning on living with someone who can't even make their money last until pay day, they have nada; they run up debts, lie to you, allow you to bail them out and then carry on doing exactly the same.

Are you actually mad? Good luck then, he won't change, you will just continue to bail him out.

Oh and his dirty filthy home has FA to do with depression, he's a lazy, dirty, scrounging irresponsible idiot.

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 14:56

And stop giving him money that should be spent on your children!

Original poster

Someone01 · 27/03/2018 15:00

MyBrilliantDisguise I paid 5 which is being paid back to me, c2k to go. the additional secret debts were all in their name.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 27/03/2018 15:01

Walk away. If there's no trust in a relationship what's the point? How much does he have left to repay you? Sadly I don't think you will get your 5k back.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/03/2018 15:04

Sorry, I misunderstood. But could you make a life with someone like this? There are plenty of people who are good as friends, but you sure as hell wouldn't want to live with them.

Redbus1030 · 27/03/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/03/2018 16:07

I think it's a gender-neutral 'they', Redbus1030.

TheNaze73 · 27/03/2018 16:19

Financial cheating is up there with affairs in my eyes. Kick him into touch, you deserve better

rothbury · 27/03/2018 16:21

Have you posted about him before? It sounds familiar.

Anyway - run! The hills are that way>>>>>>>>>

He is a liability and you have a responsibility to your DC to swerve wankbadgers like this.

EastDulwichWife · 27/03/2018 17:04

I think you already know the answer OP. Read your post back.

There is nothing caring, fun or child friendly about getting into unnecessary debt, lying to your partner or living in squalor.

Bouledeneige · 27/03/2018 17:10

Run for the hills.... Dont bail out partners - it never ends well. Plus there's lying and secrecy about the further debts and cards so this is never going to stop.

And you might not see the last £2K....

Hadalifeonce · 27/03/2018 17:11

Please, please, please. End it now! Take it from someone who knows, your DP will never change, it may get better for a while, then it will start again. The trust will have gone, and if you move in together, life will become very difficult to unravel.

Do it for your children if not yourself.

Blit · 27/03/2018 17:20

I hate reading they, it's clunky. Nobody cares if it's he or she.

MarieG10 · 27/03/2018 17:39

Why are you bothering with this nightmare. "They"are dishonest and will not change so move in!

IAmWonkoTheSane · 27/03/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3luckystars · 27/03/2018 17:48

If you can get the money back do. Then get away from them. This is the start. That stress you are feeling will get worse and worse every minute more you stay.

No liar is worth a lifetime of anxiety.

KanielOutis · 27/03/2018 17:52

It's not the debt that's a problem, it's the lies and deceit. I racked up huge amounts of debt, but I paid it back and haven't touched a penny of debt since. Debt is like an addiction. Spending more than you have is so tempting and the hit of the next purchase soon wears off like a drug. I feel like an addict in recovery living without debt.

JoJoSM2 · 27/03/2018 17:58

Have you got a history of playing the 'saviour' in unhealthy relationships?

I can't imagine anyone in their right mind pursuing this relationship further.

Original poster

Someone01 · 27/03/2018 20:54

Thanks everyone, and that went about as I expected tbh.

What if I said my DP had (again) promised to sort the money side out, offered complete transparency of all money in and out and regular sessions to budget and monitor. The "controlling" issue comes from me, do you feel me having that level of control over someone elses finance, who does not live with me, is fair?

OP posts:

Olddear · 27/03/2018 21:03

Seriously. Dump him.

GrockleBocs · 27/03/2018 21:04

They won't change. You'll have to alert and monitoring forever.

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