Debt and Lies

[Someone01]

Hi all. Namechanged for this but I am a (kind of) regular, if occasional, poster.

I’m after a bit of advice on my situation with my DP. Bit of background first. We’re not living together but have been together for around 3 years and are planning to. I’m divorced with shared care of 2 children. My issues are around money and lies.

My DP is rubbish with money. They earn well but spend it all, and more, and are frequently unable to buy anything in the run up to payday. No issues with gambling, drugs or drinking as far as I can see, the spending seems to be on “stuff”. Clothes, shoes, gadgets, etc. This has been an issue since we got together but it all came to a head a year ago. I bailed them out (I know I know) and cleared their credit cards (c£5k) and they are paying me back. 6 months ago I found out they had taken out a new credit card in secret and racked up £2k on it. We broke up at that point but after assurances they would never lie again, and that the money situation would be under control we got back together.

I have now found out that at the same time as the secret CR card they also took out a loan in secret for another £2k. So all the time we were sorting the issues around the CR card and they assured me there was nothing else they were lying, and have done for the 6 months since then.

I’m frankly really angry and upset they could lie whilst we sorted out the CR card, and continue to lie since, and I feel taken advantage of by bailing them out only for them to run up debts in secret again. I’m, however, torn as we don’t live together and despite having plans to, I worry that their debt isn’t my business at this point. Am I being controlling wanting to know what debts they have, what bills are unpaid (and when bailiffs come round)?

There are other issues but I don’t think this is about them. For example their house is filthy so I don’t like staying there and they made no effort to clean up for over a year. They do suffer from depression and that’s why I’m forgiving over the house, and other issues, that I accept stem from that. When we’re together it’s good, they are caring, fun, great with the kids, we have a lot in common and I was happy to think we’d be spending the rest of our lives together. I now wonder if that is possible, or wise.

If you're in a partnership then there should be no need for you to 'control' the money, you are both adults so you work out together what the balance is.

But that's not the problem. He can't manage his own budget, and when he feels like it's in a mess he solves it by taking out credit/loans, and is deceitful about it. There is nothing about transparency that will address his patterns.

I was once in a similar relationship. He was gorgeous, clever, funny, and sex was amazing. He was a doctor, earned a lot, but for every pound he earned he would spent £1.50

He got in a tight corner and made a false insurance claim (I think). His dad gave him money and he spent it 3 times over. I knew he was lying to me too.

Despite all the great things, a spending was something which needed addressed at a more fundemental level. He promised, and promised, but never changed. I left.

I heard recently that 20years latet he is still in financial trouble.

So they now owe more money than when you bailed them out (including what they still owe you)? I'd be very worried about this. They had a chance to get out of the debt/interest cycle and have gone straight back into it again. I'm sorry but they don't seem to want or aren't able to be helped.

I'm answer to your later post, it isn't reasonable to monitor someone's finances if they are not intertwined with yours. Unless they have specifically asked you for help. Who suggested this?

Don't think it is fair to either of you.

You need to be with someone who shares the sam values about money and debt. That is not unreasonable.

Do you really want to have to micromanage this?

Well once you get your money back, you won’t be controlling any more will you! You will be free from them and their lies and bags full of receipts.

This is the best warning anyone ever got. You need to make your choice now because this is a mild version of your life if you DO live with them. It will be so stressful and full of anxiety and money worries. (And lies). I know it’s hard when you love someone but this is a warning bell for you.