In a mess - MM and OLD

[ThirdTimeUnlucky]

I've been posting under Relationships a while, specifically under the OLD thread.
Last yr (March) I separated from my STBX before I had an affair with MM. I ended it with MM in Sept and began OLD to a) get over him and b) looking for a genuine relationship.
I've since dated around 30 guys.
During this time I have tried to go NC with MM but caved in and seen him several times.
Only a couple of dates have ticked the necessary boxes for me. One guy who future faked me and then asked for a FWB relationship. I really liked him before that and was upset. I let him know what I thought of him and moved on. Several dates later I met another guy who I really liked but he also future faked me and again I ended it, more politely.
Currently, am seeing a guy I used to work with nearly 30 yrs ago. I only agreed to meet him out of curiosity. We got on great and have been seeing him about 3 weeks now. Very intense, sex is the best I have ever had! We are both on the same song sheet in that we both came out of long-term relationships and need to be independent, i.e. not live together in the near future. We both want stability for our kids. Both agreed not to sleep with anyone else. Problem is, his relationship only ended late last year. He's more cautious than I am and says things like, "If you meet someone else and have sex, let me know, I'll still be your friend". However, when we are together, he acts like we are a couple and is incredibly loving and sweet. I'm really falling for him.
Now for the problem

1. MM wont leave me alone. Keeps messaging. My stupid phone lets me know when a blocked contact msg me so it's hard to ignore. I've recently told him I don't need him in my life and will not be a substitute for the lack of intimacy and sex in his marriage. If he had left her last year I would have run away with him. I was deeply in love. In the back of my mind, if he ever left I'd be there like a shot. I feel guilty for not responding to his messages and feel like I have abandoned a good friend.
2. The future faker contacted me again recently saying he couldn't dislike me despite the nasty things I'd said at the end. He'd like to see me again. I did see a future with him. He is a long time divorced, own house etc. If it wasn't for the new guy, I'd respond.
3. Recent future faker said that if I ever want a FWB to get in touch. Again, if I was bored I'd see but again, new man.
4. Latest guy - I told him that it's early days and no one knows what the future might bring but I don't want to get further involved with him if he wants to explore his options. He denies this but with my history I am afraid I'll get hurt. So I constantly switch my behaviour between being cool and going all in. So - as you've probably gathered, I fall for guys quickly! Most of my relationships are sexual (I guess I have a high sex drive). Out of all the guys I've dated more than once, they all come back to me and I am friends with quite a few. I kinda know what my problem is, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have sex too soon, I'm scared of getting hurt, I also leap from one guy to the next. What advice would you give me for the future?

Forget all the other guys, now seems like a good time to change your phone to one that actually blocks people.

I'd stick with the new guy, he's the only one who's been straight and not messed you around

So new guy and you both agreed you wouldn't sleep with anyone else? And then he said to you that if you slept with someone else to let him know and you'd still be friends?

How does that work then? Is he promising you one thing and intending to do something completely different?

As long as you don't contact the MM again I don't think it really matters, does it? You're having fun with different guys, that's fine, especially as your marriage only ended a year ago. Go for whichever one you like the most and see where you get to

As the others have let you down why would you go back there (they are sniffing around in the hope of getting laid, MM included) because of your heart on sleeve and high sex drive you come across as needy and easy to use.

Get a new phone, in fact, get a new number.

Take it slowly with new man, he sounds genuine and honest.

Advice? Have a break from dating. This reads like you're 14.

AtSea - yes I should.
Khal - yes, that's my gut feeling.
Zap - yep, confusing. I take the advice that you should act on what they do rather than what they say. I think that he is afraid of getting hurt maybe?
Arap - yes, I'm trying to. Just find it so hard to ignore the others.
Tbh, doing OLD has been a helluva confidence boost after being with my STBX for many years. But it all comes down to sex! When you are 50, meeting guys without baggage is impossible. Everybody has been hurt and messed around at some point.

You just come off as desperate tbh.

Stop dating.
Get a new phone.
Develop some (any) boundaries.

Give men a rest, esp married ones.

bonny - yes, you are right!
green - although your comment was probably meant to be sarcastic, yes actually, it is like being 14 again. I've been in long-term relationships since I was 15. Dating again at my age is a bit like being a teenager again. So?
Ewe - You are probably right.

The MM and future faker(s) are just sniffing around hoping they will get some sex.

It sounds like you’re clinging on to the hope that one of these no-hopers is going to give you the LTR that you want, when that’s what’s on offer with the new guy.

What is putting you off the new guy? I’ll be honest, you seem like you’ve got one eye open looking for the next/better opportunity.

I actually second changing your number. I was experiencing a similar dilemma when I did OLD and found the best thing was to go NC and start afresh.

Maybe have a look at what you want from a relationship as well, because you seem very much at the whim of what others want and second guessing what they want. There’s nothing wrong with having your heart on your sleeve and enjoying sex. But be honest with yourself and with others. You can’t move on by simply moving to the next one.

So you're not a teenager so stop fucking acting like one. Not rocket science really

Take a step back and chill. You're obviously not comfortable being single otherwise you wouldn't surround yourself with stupid fucking drama.

Third I 'know' you from the dating thread, and honestly, this all just sounds like a lot of mess and drama.

The first thing you need to do is get a new phone and a new phone number. I don't know what kind of phone tells you when someone you have blocked phones you (appears to defeat the object somewhat) but seriously, go and get a different one with a new number, don't put the married man's details in it and don't give him the new number. Forget him.

Likewise, forget the 'future fakers'. All you're doing by continuing to engage with them is creating and feeding unnecessary drama. If that's what you want then fill your boots, but if not then, again, don't give them your new phone number and don't save theirs.

As for the new guy, keep dating him but I think you really need to make a conscious effort to significantly cool down your whole approach to dating. It's only been 3 weeks but already you're having 'the best sex ever' and are 'really falling for him' - whoa! It's been THREE WEEKS! I have yoghurt that's been in my fridge longer than that. It's all very intense very quickly - why?? Why the mad rush to leap in with both feet? If you really do want stability for yourself, and more importantly, for your kids, then leaping in and out of intense 'things' with various men really isn't conducive to creating or maintaining that.

I don't know what you do in your spare time but maybe look at doing some stuff for you - hobbies etc. so you have more on your mind than the man you're seeing and it's not the be-all and end-all from day one. It doesn't have to be the extremes of all or nothing, you can just date someone and really get to know them properly over an appropriate period of time while keeping it in perspective as a nice addition to your life, not an intense all-consuming 'madly in love' after 5 minutes shag/dramafest. I hope this makes sense, I mean it in the nicest possible way

It doesn't sound like you're having fun though. You've been duped twice and shit on by a MM that doesn't sound like enjoying yourself at all.
You're now seeing a man that is in no place to be starting a relationship.
What is wrong with being single, not needing a man and doing you for a while.
Isn't that how we recover from heartbreak?
It sounds as though your masking hurt with jumping in and out of romantic involvements.
Bed hopping is not always the best thing for improving self confidence as it can make you feel worse after. You don't sound like someone who is having a whale of a time.
Try setting some boundaries, being realistic with your expectations, and give yourself time , why are you so desperate to be in a relationship. Being in that head space will just lead to bad choices, as you have proven here.

This whole thing reads as a mess tbh

Your marriage ends
You shag a married man, eventually ended but sometimes you cave and see him where is your self respect?
Then you date a load more guys
Now this one doesn’t sound like his for you either

Next steps;
Buy a phone that actually blocks people
Leave attched men alone
Look for your self respect
Maybe be single for a while as your dating life sounds far from fun

I think people often confuse wanting to be wanted for a high sex drive.

It's inevitable that after an affair with a married man, you want someone to want you and only you. You then dive on them, have great sex, reassure yourself that you actually are wanted, and then suffer the bitter consequences.

You are meeting players. You are mistaking horniness for passion. You're not taking time to actually get to know anyone at all.

You're 50. You know how much friendship matters in a relationship. You know there are loads of idiots out there - people who don't have your back, are boring, financially abusive etc. You know all that yet you are mistaking an erection for someone actually liking you.

This last guy sounds normal and, to be honest, if I had his number I'd call him up and tell him to avoid you. You are going to hurt him. He knows you have that itch and are very likely to go off and let someone else scratch it. And yet he likes you. He wants to be your friend.

Stop and think about this. You've met some really shit men. They've all wanted to shag you. Some have shagged you and then said you are only good enough to be a friend with benefits. Yet this last guy you mention really likes you. Why don't you vow to yourself that you won't be unfaithful and you'll see where the relationship goes?

Of course, too, you shouldn't see any of the others again. Quite honestly they're fucking awful and if you weren't on heat you wouldn't give them the time of day.

You don't have "a high sex drive" you have a high drive for male validation

For the second time today, my advice is "take up extreme sports"

Grow the fuck up, set some boundaries, learn how to not be a mug, get a phone you can block people on, find some will power.

Blunt but accurate.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

mybrilliant disguise you are mistaking an erection for someone actually liking you.

I want this on a Tshirt! Thank you.

I don't believe what you're saying about your phone unless there's a fault with it. I think it's more likely you haven't bothered actually blocking mm cos you like the ego boost of knowing he's interested.

Frankly that you would have ANYTHING to do with a known mm anyway makes you pretty despicable in my book.

Honestly - you seem very immature, selfish and in need of therapy.

And to stop dating altogether.

I too would warn any decent man off you.

Thanks everyone for their comments.
Yep, MM really messed me up.
Current new man - really, I have the best sex ever possible and that is not a teenager speaking.
Vet - you are spot on. I'm taking a break from my Degree and due to start up again in Sept. So, maybe I'll calm down!
I am just human, very much an emotional person, no amount of distraction is going to take that away from me. I want to be a selfish bitch but I just can't. I always see the best in people. I'm a bit lost.

Just try putting yourself in the MMs wife's shoes, not nice is it?

Nothing wrong with being nice, you don't have to be a selfish bitch to refuse sex with a married man fgs.

It's not about being human, having sexual needs, it's about doing the right thing and not being a cunt, sorry, but at the same time, you are allowing men to use you for sex as you clearly want more than just a shag.

Why don’t you step back & learn to love yourself?

I agree with AnyFucker, this is all about validation

Having an affair with a MM is pretty selfish.