Best friend can't come to small but special birthday party

[sunshinesupermum]

So DD2 has sent out invitations for a small birthday party for me to celebrate a big 0 number to be held at our home. My BF who moved last year from London to Yorkshire has builders beginning work the Tuesday after the party and says she won't be coming.

Since she moved we've only seen each other a handful of times and it's been difficult enough to get used to this after a friendship of 30 years when we saw each other on a very regular basis. It's not the same emailing and I have hearing problems so find the telephone difficult.

Am I right to be very upset that she's not coming to the party?
WWYD wise mumsnetters?

It wouldn't bother me if I'm honest...Birthdays are just another day regardless of the numeral. Arrange some time just the two of you when it's convenient for you both.

I would feel hurt. Builders coming the Tuesday after doesn’t seem like a very good reason not to go to a close friend’s big birthday party.

I’d feel hurt too. Did she suggest an alternative?

I'd be hurt too op. Can you suggest an alternative? Has she generally bothered keeping in touch since she moved?

I can understand why you’re feeling a bit upset, but she may have a huge amount of work to do (packing/moving furniture etc) before the builders arrive and it’s not just a night out for her, it’s an entire weekend away where she has to travel half the country. In the circumstances, your upset is understandable but in my opinion is unreasonable.

Angel It's a very small party and I appreciate she has packing up and stuff to do. My DDs to whom she was very close to, esp DD1, are also upset they won't see her. It's not a matter of just 'meeting up' on an alternative date for just her and me as my DDs to whom she was very close to, esp DD1, are also upset they won't see her. They haven't seen her since the move.

Sleeping It's always been me who has maintained staying in touch and suggesting dates we could possibly meet up. She's always pleased when I do but makes little/no effort herself.

Sorry cut and pasted double!

Of course it's reasonable to feel disappointed and hurt but not so much that I would broach it with her or feel any differently about her.

Fair enough birthdays aren't a biggie to me but I get it is to you.

We have builders here and tbh it has been a nightmare - sometimes I do have to be here for them but even when I don't it's all just such chaos at the moment that I don't think I could factor in travelling to a party so would have to apologise and give it a miss too.

Enjoy your day. Sweet of your daughter.

You're friend I'm sure will be thinking about you (although there's a possibility she'll also be pulling her hair out and gently weeping while contemplating the mess of her house and bank balance).

Damson There is obv preparation before the builders arrive but this is a major family occasion (she has always been part of our family as I have no parents or siblings).

This birthday isn't a biggie for me as I would prefer not to have a party at all - my 2 DDS want it for me 'to show their appreciation' lol

So yes I am feeling different towards her now.

I think you need to talk to your friend, not specifically about the birthday but about other times as well. She obviously has a lot on her plate but if you are hurt you need to say something. It will either make it break your friendship.

It's not just a few hours is it? She lives miles away so probably talking about taking two days out of her schedule.

Fair enough. I understand.

Oh i wish it was just preparation but today I'm running around the house like a blue arsed fly with various people, on my last nerve, with everything going on belly up. Is not a good day. Stressed to the hilt with it all. I'm currently hiding on here, under pretence of having to settle the dog.

I really am sorry she can't make it but tbh I empathise with her a little because today I couldn't even give a party head space let alone attend.

But I really hope you and your daughters can enjoy it anyway. Happy big ?-0!

It's always been me who has maintained staying in touch and suggesting dates we could possibly meet up. She's always pleased when I do but makes little/no effort herself.

Uh oh. Sorry OP I think she's very gently trying to drop out of your lives but you're clinging on. Not coming to the party looks to me as if it is a rather massive hint she doesn't want to be involved with you all as much any more. I would be very hurt too, especially after such a long close friendship, I'm sorry.

It’ll be a 2 day trip for her won’t it? Would she have to pay for a hotel as well? It’s disappointing but I imagine the builders is a massive deal and she needs to clear the area which’ll be difficult with going away for 48 hours.

• everything going belly up.

Costly belly up.

(I'd leave any big talks, if you go that way, until after her building work is done. I may be over-empathising with her but the way I'm feeling I don't think I could handle guilt or a deep and meaningful just now. It may not be received well iykwim.)

When you've met up since the move, was it in London or at hers? If she comes to the party, have you offered her a bed for the night or will she need to find somewhere to stay?

I moved up north and found my London friends assumed it would always be me traveling to see them and attend their events, and rarely vice versa. Londoners often see London as the centre of the universe. The constant travel was tiring and expensive, and in the end i preferred spending most of my weekends in the area i moved to. But it does mean I've drifted away from those friends quite a lot, as I'm not around on a week to week basis.

Thanks rednails (love your moniker!) DD2 who has sent the invitations, and is doing the prep is very cross with her too but said hold off emailing for a day!

NerrSnerr No she doesn't have to pay for accommodation - she and her husband have a flat near me as well as new house!

Damson Sorry you're having a sh1t time today :-( You're right though - past experience has shown exactly this sort of thing has happened before - it's always about her situation. For once I'd like it to be about me

Porpoises we met once near her when I had a conference nearby (but I couldn't stay at the house because there was no room so it was just a quick tea time chat which was nice)

I am happy to go up north (love it there and I'm a born and bred Londoner!) but it's not been convenient for her to have visitors and I can't afford a b&b every time I suggest going.

She comes down to London occasionally to see her daughter who lives in the flat my friend owns near me.

I think it's basically coming to the end of a very long friendship which I find very hard to cope with.

I didn't even realise it was so far from London - coming from a small place where I can get to anywhere in the country within a couple of hours! It maybe just is too much for her at this time.

Perhaps she can't afford it? Moving and building is expensive, nothing straightforward and costs inevitably spiral. Just a thought. Obviously I don't know her circumstances.

Sorry I missed your last post.

I'm sorry to hear that. Always sad when a friend drifts.

I'm sorry but I think your overreacting. Maybe your friend can't stay at the flat as her daughter has guests staying over. Yorkshire to London isn't a quick 30 minute drive. There is planning to do for travelling a couple of hundred miles. Maybe she has to prep her house before the building works start. I wouldn't be planning on going away just before if I was having works done in my house.

I don't think it has to be the end of a friendship, but you have to accept that it will be a different kind of friendship. I have some wonderful friends who i see once or twice a year and speak to once a month or less, but when we do get in touch it's like no time has passed.

Have you actually told her this birthday party is important to you? If not, given that usually you don't care about your birthdays, then it seems entirely reasonable for her to assume that it doesnt matter and that you could meet up a more convenient weekend.

I am absolutely rubbish at staying in touch with people and can sometimes be flaky. Doesn't mean I don't want to retain friendships, just that I work a lot and am busy much of the time. I'm not proud of it and understand why some people might prefer to end their friendship with me as a result, but I think it might be jumping the gun to presume your friend is trying to dodge you/end the friendship. You could always ask her outright?

One think I don't do anymore is stress about friends perceiving to let me down; she won't be doing it out of malice OP, sounds like she genuinely has a lot on her plate, wrong timing?

If you value her don't use this as a reason to end a 30 year friendship.

After I mailed her she explained she has to be in London both the previous weekend and the one after my birthday but has a meeting with the builders this week and maybe if they can be left on there own to get on with things she might stay down the whole week. Maybe. Fingers crossed but I'm glad I said something. Just wish she would have told me before I got so worked up.