Not wanting sex with DH

[dickertyboo]

Just as the title says really, I don't want to have sex with my DH and to be honest I don't know why or the reason for not wanting it, I do love him but just don't have the feelings of desire for him and haven't done for a very long time.

How old are you?

I'm mid 40s ShatnersWig

I just wondered firstly whether it could potentially be hormonal or menopause if you can't think of a more specific reason (ie, that your husband takes you for granted, never makes any effort, he's put on a lot of weight - those sorts of things that are often quoted as reasons on MN).

I don't think it's menopause bcos when I say I've felt this way a long time I mean years and the same with hormones.

He has put a bit of weight on but not so much that it bothers me, occasionally he takes me for granted as do I him so again I don't think its that.

So do you have sex even though you don't want it?

Is it just him you don't want to have sex with or is it the idea of sex in General?

I do yes and in all fairness once I get into it so to speak I do enjoy it most of the time although there are times when I just want to tell him to get off me or hurry the fuck up.

Just him Babyblues052

I think you need to tell him. You're being very unfair on him and to yourself. You shouldn't be having sex if you don't want it and your poor husband would probably be mortified to think you're doing it out of some form of duty and aren't enjoying it because you no longer desire him sexually.

You need to discuss this and see if there is a way of rekindling your relationship but you also need to say to him "I really don't want sex with you anymore". You then need to lay your cards on the table - do you actually want a sexless marriage? Maybe you do, maybe you love him and want to stay with him even though you no longer want sex with him. If that's the case, he needs to know that too. And you need to say "If that is not something you want and you want to leave, then I have to let you go." And you have to. Or maybe he'd be happy with that.

But you can't go on like this.

My DH has worked it out for himself but obviously wants to know why and I just don't have the answers for him.

In which case I think you're being very unfair because in effect you're giving him mixed messages. He's aware you don't want sex or don't desire sex with him, but then you have sex with him. That's just foolish behaviour om your part.

You need to have a proper adult conversation about this rather than work things out for each other. If you can't talk about this pretty essential part of a marriage, then there isn't much there.

Personally, I think this relationship is over and you should bite the bullet.

Loss of desire in long term relationships is extremely common and can be for a variety of reasons, Mating in Captivity is a good book that explores this and some tips to reconnnect.

It is something we will talk about ShatsnerWig but at the minute emotions are a bit raw to talk without it being a massive argument.

BeatrizViter yes I agree about there being a variety of reasons for my feeling like this and I think my DH could work on this with me if I could give one of these reasons but I can't, it makes me question whether I do love him or not.

Why is it raw now? You say this has been going on for YEARS. Maybe it needs a massive argument - this is potentially about saving your marriage or ending it, which is about as serious as it gets.

First off you said you love him, less than two hours later you say you don't know if you do love him. You say you don't know the reasons but agree with someone else there are a variety of reasons?

What I meant ShatsnerWig is there could be a variety of reasons (sorry I worded badly on last post) why someone could go off sex with their partner, not that there is a variety of reasons I feel this way.

I also said it makes me question whether I love him or not, didn't say I didn't love him. I don't understand if I love him which I believe I do why I wouldn't want sex with him so that's what I'm questioning.

It's raw now bcos I finally admitted rather then denial over the situation.

It might be helpful to think about the feeling that goes with the not wanting sex rather than the rationale and work from there...for example, do you feel affectionate but not turned on by him, repulsed by him (harsh but it happens), sex seems too much effort, etc. One thing that if often said is that if you have little separate time without the other, or separate interests, this can lead to your partner feeling very predictable and more like a brother/friend than lover.

BeatrizViter the feeling affectionate towards him but not turned on by him is definitely the way I feel.

Do you have separate social lives/ interests/ time apart?

If it’s been going on for years, and especially as your DH has worked it out anyway you need to have an adult conversation about it.

As a DH going through similar for years I would just rather know the truth now.

As said above please don’t give him mixed messages. If you talk about it you can both try and do something about it, but ignoring it and pretending there isn’t a problem I don’t think will end well, only prolong things.

It does seem like a very common thread on here, maybe it’s a mid forties (aka MLC) thing but if yours has gone on for years maybe there is another reason. Please talk to your DH though and good luck.

Ps at least you say you enjoy it once it starts so it doesn’t t sound like all is lost !

It is difficult when you can't explain to your husband why you don't want sex, and you don't know why yourself. However, the chances of a sexless marriage surviving long term is really slim and at your age if the marriage is going to end, better do it now. Whilst it may be tempting to try and stay and manage, it will eventually become toxic and your husband may make the decision for you.

For whatever reason, you are no longer attracted to him, and it is important that you are and want to have sex with him. Intimacy is essential for a marriage to survive with the feeling of closeness that it brings. Speaking for myself, I love the loving feeling I have from being intimate, but also love being adventurous, even dirty as hubby calls it as it adds spice to our sex life and I love seeing how aroused he gets which I feel is part of his attraction to me. He likewise for me when he is a little more naughty in bed.

Good luck as it isn't an easy thing to work through

Ignoring it definitley put us into a downward spiral. Your DH will go through lots of possible reasons in his mind (including thinking you’re having an affair - I did this)

I agree it may eventually become toxic , and your DH may make the decision for you unless you talk honestly about it. I so wish we’d had an honest conversation.

We will be having a major conversation about this but unfortunately due to work commitments it won't be for a few days.

Are you still with your partner TalkingIsBest and have you ever been given a reason for the lack of sex/desire?

We do have quite a lot of time apart BeatrizViter but more due to work rather then interests.

Dickerty yes we are - it hasnt been a pleasant time and with hindsight I think an honest conversation way back would have been much more preferable, if your DH is decent he will hopefully be understanding - as i said though if he has to work it out for himself its not a nice thing to go through and he may come to the wrong conclusion.

For me it was not just the sex it was the lack of affection , hugs , all the other things aswell so if you’re still affectionate thats a very good thing imo. Try and broach the subject though as it will start to affect yiur DH , have you noticed any change in his mood, behaviour, sleeping - do you generally get on ok? Not all DHs are sex obsessed especiially if you’re in a LTR but living like bad housemates is no fun either !