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Original poster

Does anyone else feel number of friendships decrease as you age

40 replies

hibbledibble · 26/03/2018 21:07

I feel like I am losing friends as I age, and making few new ones. I have plenty of acquaintances from activities I do, but few real friends.

I had children young, and lost lots of friends as they just weren't interested. I try to maintain friendships with long term friends but feel many of them are becoming increasingly distant. I stopped trying to contact one close friend recently as it had become very clear it was one sided, and I couldn't force the friendship.

Does anyone feel the same?

I worry by the time I get to 60 I will have no one left!

OP posts:
Crustybreadandcheese · 26/03/2018 21:09

I have none and I’m in my twenties!

Original poster
hibbledibble · 26/03/2018 21:10

Sad crusty.

Is that something you are happy with? Why do you think that is the case?

OP posts:
gigg · 26/03/2018 21:17

Also in my 20s and I can definitely say I have less friends now than I did a few years ago. It's that age where half of my friends are having babies and the other half are out having fun and being fancy-free, and being somewhere in between both I find it a little isolating.
I find that it's difficult to sustain friendships but it's also not uncommon to pick up friendships after pauses. That being said, my mum is 60 and she doesn't really have any friends - she focused so much on raising us and building up her career there wasn't really time left for much else. It doesn't bother her too much and I consider her to be my best friend anyway.
It's hard, OP. I don't know what the answer is but believe me you aren't alone.

SmurfOrTerf · 26/03/2018 21:21

I had a very long friendship with someone. She decided one day she couldn't be friends with me anymore. After a while I realised I'd put up with all kinds of crap from her, just because we were friends. Everything was always all about her.
After that I was more aware of what was going on with friendships.
I won't put up with crap any more.

Rumandcokepleasesir · 26/03/2018 21:23

Yes I definitely agree. I've found having kids, I lost some friends.
I can count on one hand the number of true friends I have- and I'm happy with that. For this instance it's deffo quality over quantity x

BackforGood · 26/03/2018 21:42

No. Quite the opposite.
Now my children are grown and I can go out an leave them / don't have to work around getting someone to look after them or taking them to all their activities etc., I find I've got time to meet someone for lunch, or a coffee, or even go away and stay with someone for a weekend. It's lovely.
When the dc were small life gets a bit frantic, but as they - and also I - get older, time allows for renewal of old friendships and time to nurture new ones as well. Smile

ChickenMom · 26/03/2018 21:42

Agree! I sometimes wonder if I’m doing it all wrong!!

chockaholic72 · 26/03/2018 22:05

I've lost a lot and gained a few. I haven't had children and lost a lot when my friends did - the years they were on maternity leave seemed to be the turning point. They wanted to do stuff or chat on the phone when they were at home but I was working, and they were busy doing feeding times or bedtimes when I was free. They ended up making friends from NCT classes or Surestart, and spending more time with them. When I suggested weekends it was family time. As we've got older we've kind of drifted apart - I'm very active and when I started losing friends I learnt new skills like climbing and mountaineering, and going cycling, and made new ones, and they wouldn't do those things and I didn't want to just sit in a house and listen to them talk about their kids all day. So we kind of drifted apart I guess. I got a bit sad about it but I think it's part of life - you take paths in very different directions The school gate seems to be a way of making friends and I didn't have that experience, so I had to work hard at it in different ways.

As we've got older and their kids have become more independent a couple of them have got back in touch. We have to compromise - we'll go on an easy bike ride down the canal, or a walk, or a shopping and lunch trip occasionally. In one case we've both independently become obsessed with gardening and we'll happily spend a Sunday in the garden centre or a public garden. I think when you're older the friends you make are different but no less special. In my case I am also a lot happier and more confident doing stuff on my own than when I was younger, so I don't feel I have to have a friend there to do stuff with.

Notallthat · 26/03/2018 22:16

Yes definitely, I have none and I'm nearing 40.

poddige · 26/03/2018 22:17

Agree with @Rumandcokepleasesir

Karigan1 · 26/03/2018 22:20

I think friendship becomes different. It’s not the in each other’s pockets and hang around each day but more knowing there is someone out there that you can arrange to do stuff with and is there if you need them.

The important friends stay but the hollow ones fade away.

immortalmarble · 26/03/2018 22:21

I think it can happen when you are at a different stage to your friends. The friends I have who are around my age have small children while the friends I have who have children the same age as mine are retiring! It is hard but I just remind myself we’ve been through a lot together Smile

cloudclock · 26/03/2018 22:25

I agree with you OP. It's hard to keep in touch in the same way when your lives evolve: everyone moves to different towns, has kids etc. Having said that, I make every effort to keep in touch with school and uni friends who mean a lot to me. Although it is upsetting when your efforts are not reciprocated.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 26/03/2018 22:38

I am happy with quality over quantity, but feel like the quantity is so small that it is isolating. I have cut out a friend previously as I realised she was a user, and am glad I did. Other friendships have just seemed to fade.

I have no idea what the answer is, I imagine there isn't really one. I'm just looking for reassurance of other's experiences or wisdom really.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 26/03/2018 22:47

Agree. I'm only in my late 30's too. Friends have slowly been dropping off, I feel quite isolated at times. Sigh. I'll officially be friendless at 50!!

orangewasp · 26/03/2018 23:06

No, the opposite - I had few friends during child rearing years, now the DC are nearly grown up I'm getting out more and making new friends, as are a lot of 50 somethings

Original poster
hibbledibble · 26/03/2018 23:08

It's reassuring to hear from orange and backforgood that it can get better.

I'm in the middle of child rearing years now. I could go out and see friends though as I do have available childcare.

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 26/03/2018 23:16

I have fewer close friends now that I am older. I find that I don't make the same kind of really close friends that I did when I was younger. I meet new people and become friendly acquaintances, but not really close. For most of my life, I have had five close women friends. In the last few years, I lost two of them to cancer. I am still close to the other three, but have made no new close friends.

On the plus side, though, I find that I have become closer with my siblings and adult children so that is a very positive development.

yolofish · 27/03/2018 00:11

I think the difference is that when you get older you cut out the crap - so I only bother to keep up with the real friends, the ones who are maybe geographically separated, but you can pick up where you left off even if after a few years. I dont know if that helps really?

VanGoghsDog · 27/03/2018 00:22

I'm 50 and more or less friendless. I've been single a lot of my life and found once people get married they don't want their single friends hanging around and once they have kids, unless you want to go for a veeeeery slow walk with them, it's just sitting looking at their kids, so friendship fizzles out.

I've got neighbours I speak to and people at groups I go to but none are friends. I have lots of 'online' friends but none live near me. Noone to go to the cinema with or ask round for tea or a glass of wine.

StaplesCorner · 27/03/2018 01:02

I'm 55 and very gregarious. However I agree with you. Both my best friends died a couple of years ago (just an awful coincidence). I have met other nice people since, but no one as special as them. I find that very few people have lots of time for friendships. I have joined a meet up group and met one friend through that, we talk a lot, I'd definitely recommend doing that.

But I am thinking of moving away from this area once my (now teenage) kids are older, and I do worry about making friends elsewhere. No wonder older people are lonely.

StaplesCorner · 27/03/2018 01:03

Van you've reminded me of the number of times recently I have wanted to go to the cinema or visit a new restaurant and no one would come with me; even if I've had free tickets people are literally "washing their hair"!

VanGoghsDog · 27/03/2018 01:19

I do go to a couple of meet up groups. I meet people at the group but none turn into friends. Sunday we had a four hour walk and one guy sleazed his way through the four hours openly chatting up all the women (not me, I glared at him and walked off) and making sexual innuendos. I hate that sort of thing.

Anyway, yes, I chat to people on the walks but I can't see how that would turn into me asking them if they want to go and see a play.

cannotmakemymindup · 27/03/2018 01:20

The older I get the more friends I get. However it's because my friends who I've grown up with have since married some after - some before, had children then introduced me to their mum friends/family. Plus i still have younger friends to who I'm more mother hen to. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a place all the time as I have a foot in both camps but I like having different friends for different activities, needs, wants and understanding. Keeps me busy and young. And i get to have fun with all of them as lots of both groups get on.
I don't know if it helps that I am religious so I do have a congregation with connections through that.

Johnnycomelately1 · 27/03/2018 01:45

I don't know if it helps that I am religious so I do have a congregation with connections through that.

I think it’s very relevant. As a caveat, I’m not religious, but my mum is v involved in her church and it’s great for her socially.

I’m thinking aloud here but as communities become more fragmented, people possibly notice a lack of close friends more than they did when communities were more interconnected. I’m not sure it was ever typical to have a large and close friendship group but it’s now more of an issue.

Also, things like church attendance make it easier to make friends because you see the same people regularly so there’s the opportunity to make a friendship. With things like meetup, unless you instantly click with someone who is a potential friend, you may never see them again. If I think of my current friendship group, probably only one or two were ‘ OMG. BFF’ territory.