Feel like DH's manager at home

[childmindingmumof3]

And we are both fed up with it!
I end up checking and redoing his 'work', or asking him to do it. Obviously this annoys him but I am also annoyed he doesn't just do it/do it right the first time!
And because I expect things not to be done properly I check up on everything making him feel micromanaged - for example he gave the baby half a jar of food yesterday and told me the rest was in the fridge. I then check whether he heated the whole jar, whether he fed it from the jar or from a bowl just to be sure whether it's usable for tomorrow (which it was) - he's clearly annoyed to be questioned.
But he often doesn't check dates, uses old food etc and I don't want to risk kids being sick.

Do I need to just let things go? I feel like I can't with some things like food hygiene, eczema cream for dc, children in clean clothes. And if he doesn't do cleaning jobs properly then it's more work for me.

I know where you are coming from, but if you don’t let go a bit he might never be able to take responsibility for these things. I empathise as I’m a bit like this with my DH -but after going back to work after maternity leave I just didn’t have the energy to ‘manage’ all things domestic so I’ve taken a step back. DH doesn’t always do things the way I would but we both muddle through and we’re all still alive!

I totally get this, it's taken some serious work on my part but I've had to let him parent his way - mostly because he is her dad and I know that is equal to my role as her mum.

Prior to that epiphany I would re-do nappies, wouldn't let him heat up food or feed her, I'd hover while they played so I could swoop in if she looked like she'd fall etc. It was pretty miserable!

Since letting go they bumble along just fine, they've got so much closer which is lovely to see and inwardly I just think "oh it won't be long til she needs a new nappy change so I'll sort it then" or something along those lines. It's a revelation (obviously my way is still best but if I don't give him a chance he'll never work it out and everything will all still be on me - at least this way I get a break now and again and know he can handle it!)

Hope you find a way of letting go a little, it is bloody hard but definitely worth it!

I'm not sure what things to let go with the kids. Do I let them have sandwiches with out of date ham? Wear clothes that are too small/dirty? Not wash their hair (it's already only a once a week thing) or go to bed with wet hair?

Same with cleaning - I can't really live with not sweeping under the highchair or not cleaning the litter tray so either I remind him or I do it. Actually I usually do it passive-aggressively or do it while moaning which is the worst approach I know

Another example - I made a bottle with boiling water. About 15 minutes later the baby woke and DH grabbed the bottle and headed upstairs. I told him I only just made it and it would be too hot for her, he says it's fine. I insist on checking and of course it is far too hot so I cool it under the tap first.
Now I feel I have to ask/check before he gives her a bottle.

Children are not harmed by wearing dirty clothes or having dirty hair - it might upset you, but that’s not the point. Confine your interference to the things which are actually vital, like not feeding boiling milk and let the rest go. A good relationship with their dad is more important.

They're not harmed, but kids going to school dirty or in clothes that are too small is the kind of thing that is noticed and flagged up isn't it?

Does he actually know what to do, has he read any of the numerous books on the topic of child-rearing? If he is simply hearing this from you and lacks respect for you he might not think it important, but if he reads it or hears it from someone else it might stick.

For example my STBXW would not have a tumble dryer (for over ten years since we met), and dismissed my simple requests for one as me being OTT, the minute her mum got one and told her how good it was she got one.

So , try getting his mother or his best friend to tell him some of your more important golden rules...... and then deal with the respect issue....

We have three children and the oldest is 8, so he knows. I think he's just careless. He can't be bothered to look at size labels so if the 8 year old has an age 3 t-shirt in his pe bag he isn't bothered, or if the 6 month old is squeezed into a 0-3 month baby grow (these things I do let go or just swap at next change).
Other things - washing hair, changing bedding, sweeping under highchairs - these things aren't mysteries to any adult are they?

He sounds like he really doesn’t give a shit about the kids. How sad! I’d have to leave him.

I don't think occasionally a child going in with dirty or too small clothes is going to flag up - it would be an issue if it was routinely.

You sound a bit of a worrier and he sounds lazy and/or deliberately incompetent.

He's a great dad and actually does a lot round the house - we split childcare and housework pretty 50-50, he does bedtimes, gets up in the night etc.
I just feel like I do all the thinking, planning, organising, managing of stuff and he is more bare minimum/that'll do. Maybe he doesn't do hair washing, nail cutting, dentist appointments because he knows I will either do it or direct him to do it though?
I also do things that piss him off by the way, my side of the bedroom is always untidy, I don't stack the dishwasher the way he does.

category if I just leave it to him though then surely it will be routinely?

I would decide what I cared about and focus on that. Why can't you help wash the children's hair? Most parents, even if both out at work, share childcare chores in the evening. I wouldn't let my kids go to school with dirty hair and would just take responsibility for that myself.

Other stuff I might be less fussed about, he does sound a bit all round crap though.

Who cares for the children in the day? Or when you are not there? Is he ever in sole charge?

Ok- so it also sounds like you could divide up the chores so you know whose responsibility everything is, he doesn't sound housework/childcare avoidant. it might just be easier- my husband always took the kids to ballet, so I never bothered thinking about it or buying the next size up of ballet clothes, that was his job. If everyone is responsible for everything, it can get a bit tiresome.

Is he clean and tidy about his own clothes and hair?

If not, you have an answer as to why he's not bothered about it for the kids. If he is clean and tidy himself you have a good comparison to use - why would someone who cares about their own cleanliness and clothes let their kids go out dirty and in the wrong clothes?

And if he is clean and tidy himself but doesn't bother about them, there's a whole layer of selfishness at work, which might be the root of most of your issues.

The baby bottle is not negotiable though, that could have been catastrophic.

I suppose I could just take over doing everything but I don't really want to.
Usually with bathtime I will sort one child he the other, so sometimes I do their hair and sometimes I have to ask/remind him to, then remind him to brush and dry their hair before bed.

I'm not really much of a worrier but I am much hotter on hygiene/food prep than him eg washing hands after changing nappies, not reheating food multiple times, not feeding them out of date food.

No, he's quite happy to look like a tramp himself!

We do (in theory) have our own responsibilities, for example he changes the kids bedding every two weeks. Last night I asked when it was last done - he can't remember. So I reminded him we agreed he would do it every two weeks - he's irritated and I feel like I am 'managing' even the jobs I am not physically doing.
Similarly I do the laundry, he puts it away. I always have to ask him to when I run out of washing baskets/drying space.

Op, you are making yourself miserable, please read fannythrobing post, stop micromanaging him.

Northern I do want to do less managing but I also don't want the kids to suffer or to end up just doing all the work myself.

he's never going to live up to your standards because he doesn't give a shit.

I'd advise that if you're going to split chores, give him the immediate, unignorable ones - shopping and cooking - rather than the occasional ones that he can pretend he's doing and then doesn't.

But honestly, I've lived like this, and all this behaviour points to is that he doesn't care. He doesn't care if he food-poisons the children. He doesn't care if he burns the baby's mouth. He doesn't care if the children's skin gets sore from being dirty. He doesn't care if the children smell and get teased for smelling.

My ex was like this, and much as I thought that surely he'd rise to the occasion if I wasn't there to do it, in reality he simply neglected my children to the point where he now sees Ds2 (11) on a Weekend for 5 hours, and Ds1 (14) not at all. They used to come back hungry, dirty and overwrought through lack of care. His 'new' children are hungry, dirty, and frequently overwrought through lack of care, it's nothing personal, it's how he parents.

And I don't think you're going to get anywhere with trying to improve his substandard parenting, sorry.

The thing is he is a very attentive and loving father, he spends a lot of time with them, takes an interest in their interests etc. But I agree he just doesn't see the point in a lot of the things I find important.
A lot comes from his upbringing - I have refused to allow the kids to eat Mil's food before due to food hygiene.

You might need to remind us how you are compatible as it really doesn't sound like it from what you've said.

I think you need to set aside some time to actually discuss this, when you are not with the children, and talk about your different expectations to try and both see this from each other’s point of view. He’s not going to listen to your concerns while you are hovering over him and criticising

It's amazing how many men who are capable of being efficient, productive, highly skilled employees transform into passive, can't be arsed-dom at home.

If I want dd to have clean school uniform, if I want healthy meals cooked for her, if I want her prescription ordered and collected, if I want her teeth/eyes checked, if I want her to be able to have playdates, if I want childcare arranged, if I want food in the fridge and loo roll in the house then I have to sort it.

Dp will do it half arsed/late most of the time (I've tried leaving it to him, didn't work out well).

On the other hand we must have the cleanest decking on the planet as he spent no less than 7 hours cleaning it yesterday.

I've actively decided not to learn to drive or ride a bike as I want to leave something only he can do.

This is when routine (and having a kids who likes routines works). Sunday night is hair wash night. DH knows this and DD reminds him. Thereafter, bath nights are alternate.

Clothes too small? Get the 8 year old to challenge him if a t-shirt is packed and is too small.

Food crumbs under the highchair (dogs are very helpful at eradicating this) make it part of after dinner tidy up. Try to get all involved and say what needs to be done doggedly until its done automatically.

If you divide tasks 50:50, then I would suggest you revise them so you do the tasks that grip your shit if he does them 'wrong' and he can have the tasks that don't make you gnash your teeth if done not 100% to your liking.