Is my wife about to cheat or is cheating?

[Caledoniandad]

I need some help/advice.

My wife recently met her expartner/first love who she hasn’t seen in over 15 years on the journey home from a business trip. They spent hours together on this journey. My wife told me she met him but kept the details brief I didn’t question her more at the time. Since that point my gut has told me something it not right and that led me to do a bad thing and I checked her phone. I then found out they went for drinks after the journey as she told a friend. I questioned my wife further one night and I never let on that I knew they went for drinks. My wife confirmed this happened but again didn’t give much more information. I let it go for a week or two then I checked her phone again and everything seemed ok until I looking at some pictures and I came across a picture of her expartner in her deleted items. There were no messages or calls to strange numbers I could find. I left it again and then challenged my wife why she had this photo. My wife confirmed he sent her it. My wife then confirmed they do not talk often and basically told me to forget about it. The expartner is married with children also.

I don’t like confrontation and I don’t know if I’m just overthinking things. My wife never told me they went for drinks after the journey she never told me they swapped numbers and she never mentioned they were talking after it.

My wife has obviously deleted these messages as I found none when I checked her phone. I also found a password to an email address I didn’t know she had. My wife has deliberately concealed all this from me.

I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or is my wife cheating?

I think you're out of order.

How year?! Whenever women post on hear they’re told to snoop etc!!

I feel bad for looking at her phone and many people have done the same in similar situations. I feel there are all these red flags but I have never been through this situation before. I don’t know what to do.

Just my personal opinion but I wouldn't be happy if I found out my Dp went out for a drink with his ex and then exchanged messages and photos. And do you know what, you snooped for a reason. You were suspicious after her meeting her ex and you have found evidence that there has been more contact and interaction than she told you.

You've not mentioned any suspicious behaviour so I whilst I wouldn't like it if my Dp did it, I would probably think they were just having a catch up for old times sake. I occasionally talk to an ex in a completely non romantic or inappropriate way at all. My Dp knows and is fine with is as there is nothing there but friendship.

Obviously snooping isn't great and there is obviously now a breach and lack of trust between you two so that probably needs dealing with between you both.

I think it's quite normal to have gone for a drink for a life catch up and to exchange numbers. She shouldn't hide it from you but could be because she's worried that you might think there's something more.

If my husband went out with an old flame I would be jealous but I would never snoop on him. I trust him enough to be honest with me. I think you lack confidence in your relationship and you don't trust your wife.

I can't believe what pp are saying! If this was A woman writing this it would have been LTB. Whilst I don't quite agree on the snooping you clearly had your suspicions. Before you jump the gun I think you should just sit down and speak to your wife about how you feel and ask for the truth. From there it's your call x

Based upon other threads I've read on here regarding suspected infidelity the following would be trotted out:

What does your gut instinct tell you?

Don't say anything else - just watch, snoop and gather evidence.

Have you noticed a change in your wife's behaviour i.e. different perfume, new underwear, new clothes, trying to lose weight?

Is your wife going out more often or attending more work events, coming home from work later than usual?

Do you have equal access to finances? Can you see any unexplained purchases or large cash withdrawals?

I also found a password to an email address have a look at this email account - look in the sent and deleted emails as well.

With that all said, I do actually prefer the advice given by anon99827 "speak to your wife and ask for the truth".

I hope your suspicion's are wrong. Good luck

I would say he's looking for an affair, your wife is enjoying the attention but she needs to shut it down. I don't think she's having an affair.

I can't believe people actually think it's normal to just go grab drinks with old flames.
OP it's not what people do. Nobody I know would & she kept secrets from you so no wonder you went snooping.

Based on threads involving women writing about their partners, the advice would usually be to hack anything and everything she has on social media, check her emails, WhatsApp etc. Plant a tracking device in her car and hire a PI to follow her

But you’re a bloke so your suspicions are completely groundless and there’s nothing at all suspicious about her minimising contact with an ex.

Google ' trickle truth'. That is what she is doing. She is undermining your trust and therefore your whole relationship. Tell her this. I would rather know the truth, however bad, than be lied to. It's the difference between solid ground and quicksand. Omission is lying. Read the book ' not just friends' by Shirley Glass. There is more to this in my opinion, but it is only my opinion.

Going out for a drink with an ex shouldn’t necessarily be a big deal if she told you about it but the lying is worrying, and the deleting of messages. I wouldn’t say she’s definitely cheating but she’s being dishonest about contact with another man and that’s not good. I’d be keeping a close eye on her if it were me.

WTF with some of these replies!!

She is already cheating. She's hiding messages, so clearly theres something in them to be hidden. She's totally betraying your trust! This is EXACTLY how it happened to me, messages, hidden email accounts and just meeting up for coffee.

What do you both do as a couple? Do you have time to yourselves?

Well I spoke to my wife. It now transpires they were meant to meet up for lunch as he happened to be working in the village next to mine and asked her out for lunch. My wife agreed to this but he called off last minute as he stated his job ran over. All of this was arranged through contact which has been deleted and she never made me aware of this lunch.

She's hiding things and it doesn't look good. I would have snooped in your position.

I felt the snooping went too far. That's all. Maybe she didn't tell you she was meeting up with him as she's knew you wouldn't like it rather than she was going to shag him.

Sounds pretty weird to me. I would definitely have mentioned it in conversation if I had gone for drinks with them. Wouldnt mention if I had just had a chat, though. Its also weird she deleted the messages. You would think you would be keen to keep them as evidence of your innocence, if she knew you might be suspicious? Thats what I would do anyway.

Maybe you should just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and would she mind not deleting the messages. If my DP did this, I would be understanding and volunteer for him to read them now and again until he felt less threatened. If it was just a male friend I would be very "wtf?" at his lack of trust, but I think given the circumstances keeping the messages would be a perfectly reasonable request.

It depends. If you're usually mistrustful and snoop, then she may have been worried that you'll think she's up to no good even if it was innocent.

How did you manage to access her phone? Is it not password protected?

Sometimes I don't understand people. I used to hate the fact that the UK has the greatest number of cctv cameras trained on is at all times. Then someone said, ' if you are doing nothing wrong, why be worried', and that made me think. It's the same with marriage. There should be no secrets. If you think something is going to make your partner jealous, you share it, you don't hide it and make it a secret. What matters is only the truth. If you are doing nothing wrong, the truth will make that obvious, not the opposite. You can normally prove that you have done something, but you cannot prove you have done nothing. When I found out about my wife's emotional affair, she said I had full access to her accounts, when I took her up on the offer and found she had deleted everything, how did that look? If she says that she was worried that you might react badly, it makes it worse. She is taking the choice on boundaries out of your hands. If I get upset, I can then rationalise my thinking, but if I cannot get to the answers I'm looking for I can't. Another opinionated rant, but I have been through all of this, and come out the other end. Truth, openness and transparency.

I think checking is reasonable given she didn't tell you everything immediately.

Difficult to be certain what's going on. The meeting on the train fairly normal to chat I would have thought then would guess he invited her for a quick drink and she just saw it as a friendly thing or was enjoying the attention. Having an e-mail which is private I would say is relatively common though can indicate a desire to cheat but may just be a desire for some privacy. I think as she told the friend about the drinks she wasn't cheating or she would have kept it secret.

The meal and not telling you is odd. Could be she is checking her options out with that one possibly with a view to relationship jumping or cheating though I would more vere towards jumping. Could be she just saw it as friends and thought it would worry you so kept it secret but even that it dangerous if she's been involved before. Just my guess and it does depend a bit on your wife. Maybe explain you want her to tell you about things and also see if there are any marital issues. One clue maybe how she talks about him if its all complimentary or all very critical I would say she has feelings.

She’s exploring how she feels about seeing him again, without wanting to explain it all to you.

Given that she’s lied to you and hidden plans from you, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to tell her that this makes you uncomfortable.

I’d also ask her whether she’s prepared to open the secret email in front of you- there and then. Be very prepared for a no though, and think how you’d deal with that.

Does she normally delete message threads? If the answer is no, then I'd be asking why she felt the need to do it with his message. It all sounds very much that she's entertaining the idea of something happening with him.

Double standards on here is crazy. I've seen posts from women where they've got far less to feel suspicious about and they're told "he's almost certainly cheating" and "PIs are cheaper than you'd think" and this poor bloke is getting stick from looking at her phone? From my perspective, if I bumped in to an ex and it was totally innocent I'd tell my husband all about it, i'd have no reason not to. So, unless you're not telling us something like you're often jealous over nothing so there's justification for her to not wanting to tell you, I think you're absolutely right to be suspicious. I think you've made a mistake in asking her so soon because she'll be very careful from now on. Hope I'm wrong and she isn't cheating.

Agree the double standards are maddening ! If this was a woman asking about her partner the wolves would be baying for her to leave ....

OP - I'd not be a happy bunny at all, the fact she has lied and hidden it would be huge flags