Is this abusive?

[absoluteinfinity]

Dp of 2 year's.

I've started a new hobby, I've noticed I get questioned a lot before I go, "are there men there?, Will you be talking to many men?" Etc...
So today I finished my hobby and walked out, I was driving home and I got a call from dp, he had a sturn voice, I could sense immediately something wasn't right. "Where are you? Why haven't you text me to let me know your on your way home?" By the way it's been 15 minutes from the session ending. I didn't even get a chance to fart before the questions flew in. He knew what time I was finishing and how long the travelling time was home.

He hung up. I'm driving home with the biggest what felt like weight in my stomach, I didn't want to go into my own house. I didn't want to go home.

I should leave shouldn't I? He used the excuse of "we need to arrange what we are having for tea!" I'm sorry that's bullshit, he's coming across completely jealous and using tea as an excuse. Fucking ruined my whole day!!!

He sounds like a possessive and jealous arse.

Has he previously been cheated on?

Alarm bells ringing here too. If you are dreading going home, that's a very bad sign.

Run for the hills.

I’ve had experience of this OP - not as overtly aggressive my ex was far more passive (aggressive) and on the surface it would appear that he adored me and missed me every second I was apart, in the end I realised it was raging trust and control issues. If I was away on business at a dinner he would often try and FaceTime me (knowing I was out with colleagues) and would text me a million times to see if I was having a nice night aka checking up on me and he would insist I FaceTimed him before I went to bed (to check I was alone) which was nuts because I was never unfaithful to him and nor were his previous partners. If I went hours on end without texting back whilst I was in work he’d call my personal phone, work mobile, desk phone and then via reception, at the beginning I thought it was adoration but I soon saw the darker side. He’d punish me for daring to go hours without contact and I became a nervous wreck.

I also don’t miss his insistence that when apart we sleep with our phones still connected via a WhatsApp call. The final straw was him covertly video recording me in his bedroom.

Speak to your partner and make him aware you won’t stand for it before it gets out of hand.

I couldn't live like that. It's as though he's spying on you.

Yep, I'd call that a sign of an abusive power relationship.

That he can check up on you in a ridiculously controlling way.
That you're driving home with a weight on your stomach.

This story has a bad ending. Unless you choose otherwise.

What do you want to do?

Let’s say you took up a stereotypically male hobby like car maintenance- and you were the only female there. And you talked to lots of men, and decided to go to a vintage car rally with them at the weekend because you shared an interest - your partner would STILL have no right to text you as soon as you left, ask possessive and jealous questions and try to make it too much hassle to continue, because he should trust you, be happy you are doing something for you, and let you get on with it. End of.

Yes, it is controlling behaviour, which is a form of abuse. You are two years in, I presume you don’t have DC, so yes, i would say cut your losses.

Has he previously been cheated on?

Irrelevant. If he's carrying that baggage forward then he shouldn't be in a long term relationship. I'd give him one serious warning, then dump.

Look, I am not excusing his behaviour, it is quite jealous/controlling but surely there is some room for people to be human and have issues? He might need some counselling, or to work on his self esteem some other way. Or he might indeed be abusive in which case his true colours will come out further and he will not seek any help.

A lot of women have trust issues but don't get instantly branded abusive.

I am not excusing the behaviour or saying it is acceptable in anyway how the OP felt, but sometimes you need to give someone a little rope (and if they choose to hand themselves with said rope that's their prerogative)

You ok OP?

Please don't let him 'tell you off'

Please put your well-being first x

Thank you to everyone who responded.
I'm sorry to hear some of you have experienced similar 😞.
I had a strong word with him and he admitted he let us both down. From where I'm stood it looks as if he's tried to make himself look a victim to his own behaviour to pull on my heart strings.
Just to add, we've had similar instance's like this in the past but he changed over night and the reason for this post was to make me aware of if they have returned. They clearly have.
I don't know what to do, he has said sorry and asked if it was too late to try again, I didn't respond.
I feel as if I can't actually enjoy my life whilst I'm with this man, he saps the positive energy from me. I've finally found something I can give my all (I've been depressed and unsociable with chronic pain for the last 7 year's) and I feel he's trying to 'put me back down'. Just because he's codependent doesn't mean I have to be (I was before doing a lot of personal development).

He said the positive energy from you

Enough said, time to ditch him

He SAPS!

A little bit of jealousy is normal but he sounds like my stbxh. It meant that I stopped accepting invitations to do things unless he wassaid there because I couldn't enjoy myself knowing he'd be wondering if I was cheating.

I have been 100% faithful since being with him and most of the time has lots of kids around me (I have 4) , yet he still accused me ofof having affairs.

It's an awful way to live because there is nothing you can change to prove that you're being faithful when you're doing nothing wrong.

It is an awful way to live, I'm really sorry you went through that 😞 I hope your in a better place now?

This is going to be INCREDIBLY hard, my anxiety is going nuts. He's accepted he needs to sort his head out.
He has to move out now, this is the hardest part 😢

I have just seen this!

So he's controlling, jealous and a fun sucker!
Yes get rid.
Don't even give it a 2nd thought.
You will I know as you are a kind human being but you need to put you and your happiness first.
You will never be happy with this one.
Good luck getting him out.

Masterpiece that meme describes my ex.

absoluteltinfinity it sounds like you have done a lot of positive work on yourself and you recognised this was unhealthy behaviour, and the manipulation in the apology. This hurts, yes, but you need to be able to go about your day to day life without fear. Enjoy your hobby, and take care of yourself. He can sort his head out living separately from you, once the separation is over, I think your anxiety will improve.

Thanks for the meme, he ticks most boxes.
Thanks for the responses also, read all of them in depth.

The hard part-
Told him tonight it's over, he says "where am I supposed to go?" He literally doesn't have anywhere to go, he moved over here to be with me, left his job and got a good job locally. Now I'm stuck with him here trying to get me back with all the sincere apologies and life changing alterations he is going to do, I'm struggling to get out as it is without him grasping at my ankles 😭

Where is he supposed to go?

He should find a flat to rent. His first life-changing alteration should be to listen to you if you ask him to leave. If he cannot do that, is he really going to listen to anything else?

Where he goes is his problem now. Don’t be tempted to try to ‘sort’ it for him - he’s a big boy now, he can start looking after himself

He's got a job and he has money and a phone. He can easily find somewhere to leave. Te him he's got a week.