Stepping away from a long friendship

[northernlights0710]

I've been "best friends" for decades with a woman I met at school. I left our hometown in the north 20 years ago and live in the south. She has always lived in our hometown.

In the last decade or so she's gone through a lot of sh*t. She got divorced and her ex made her life hell. She was ringing me almost daily, wanting to talk for at least an hour. But when I had to get off the phone she would start crying.

I've always worried about her and felt guilty if I didn't return her calls straight away. She found a new boyfriend who turned out to be controlling and lived off her. Then her ex-H persuaded her son, aged 14, to live with him, which destroyed her. She finally dumped the BF but he stalked her and the police got involved. I've been listening to the ins and outs of all this for over ten years.

For years I've sort of dreaded her calls not because I didn't like her but because, while I'm sympathetic to her problems, it's hard to get her off the phone and she seems to expect me to talk for about 2 hours. When I say I have to go, she just carries on talking, or sometimes she sounds sulky.

She has friends but does not have much of a life outside work and seeing her son. My sister said that my friend is "just lonely".

I don't know if I've only noticed this in the last year or so but I've realised we're very different. I think her experiences have made her bitter and hard.

This was brought into sharp focus when we went on holiday recently, when she was constantly telling me what to do and berating me if I didn't oblige. When I gave my opinion - calmly - on why I didn't agree or want to go along with her, she accused me of "trying to put a wall between us".

She thinks she knows best and as long as I'm doing what I'm told and agreeing with her all goes well. She likes to be "right".

I find her prejudices hard to cope with: she's critical of southerners and Tories. (I'm a Labour voter but have friends and family who vote Tory.) She has frequently criticised my family, calling my brother in law a "c*nt", my sister "stuck up" and my niece "spoilt". My niece is not spoilt and my sister and her husband are wonderful, kind people who I am very close to. I told her: "Please don't say that. X is my family member and I love them/ ... or "my brother in law is a great guy." Even if they weren't wonderful, is this how normal people speak of their friend's family members to their faces? I feel that she doesn't respect me.

She has little empathy for other people but expects them to have sympathy for her. I recently thought about leaving my job over a change to our conditions but decided in the end to stay. Partly because I was suffering severe anxiety at the prospect of making myself unemployed in a poor job market (in my industry). I am on my own with a mortgage to pay and no pension.

She was unsupportive of my decision to stay in my job and I had the impression that she thought I was weak and spineless. She works for the government and has a job for life and a great pension.

We haven't spoken now for several weeks because I haven't felt like taking her calls. I texted her instead a couple of weeks ago to say that I was busy and hoped she was ok. But still she is calling me. I have not yet responded to the latest missed calls because I don't know what to say to her.

I don't want to hurt her feelings and I don't want the drama of a 2-hour discussion about our friendship. I just don't feel like talking to her. Whether or not I will continue to feel this way I don't know.

If anyone could advise me how to deal with this, I'd be grateful.

OP youre saint to have put up with her for s long.
She probably won't stop off loSing long enough to listen on the phone so write her a letter explaining how you feel and say you have decided to cut all contact.
Then do so and don't relent.
Good luck.

Friendship is a give and take, two way relationship. You can't expect to be there for her, but she doesn't have to be there for you.

Maybe send her a text that says that you're busy and that you love her, but you can't keep doing this... etc. Just explain how you feel to her. Don't take her calls, if it will upset you. You don't have to stress yourself out over her.

Good luck!

Thanks Karma and Becki - I appreciate your suggestions.

Thing is, I don't feel I love her anymore as a friend. I actually feel quite resentful about the way she's spoken to me.

Email her. Tell her that the way she spoke and treated you on your holiday was he last straw. She’s exhausted your kindness with daily phone calls to the point you dread hearing the phone ring and there’s nothing left to give. As she never contributed anything positive to your life, you’re done.

Block her.

She’s talk crap about you to all who listen, but from the way she spoke about your loved ones... well, she already talks crap about you behind your back.

Thanks Shifty. I've often wondered if she talks about me badly behind my back.

This might sound odd but do you think she is in love with you? She has overstepped the mark a lot. Definitely cut back contact.

Hi Ullupullu - no, I don't think she's in love with me! She's definitely straight.

I think she's just someone that needs a lot of company and attention. She has other friends in her town but they are busy with their husbands and families. I think I'm her only single friend, which is why she phones me a lot.

I suggested to her once that she join Women's Institute or something similar to meet new people but she was offended because it "would be full of Tory types".

I was tactfully trying to tell her then, in not so many words, that she was too dependent on me and should try to make new friends. Wish I could be more direct but I hate hurting people's feelings.

the Women's Institute.

She sounds awful.

Tell her you're suffering from anxiety and find her calls and the way she speaks to you too stressful for now. Hopefully she will latch onto someone else.

I could have written your post. Different set of circumstances but similar dynamic with a lifelong friend having lots and lots of problems which I was trying to prop up but her never listening to me in return. I was completely drained and had come to dread her texts and phone calls. Your line about sympathy and empathy summed it up for me. I eventually cut contact a couple of years ago after mulling it over for the best part of 2 years. No regrets at all, I think about it often and feel a bit guilty but for me it was definitely the right decision.

God, she sounds awful and a drain on your energy. Why the hell do you put up with it? Doesn't sound like this friendship is any good for you. You need to question yourself why you put up with toxic people in your life.....

As for the holiday, how awful, that's why I have perfected the art of solo travel!

No problem, I think that even if you don't love her anymore and do resent the interactions that you are having with her now, it is worth telling her how it's all made you feel. You'll probably end up having to cut off contact with her eventually, as I would brace yourself for her not taking it well. But, you might feel relief after it's all over and done with!

She sounds dreadful, selfish and self absorbed. You seem to be a sounding board, someone to talk at, who will agree with her because she's someone who thinks she is special, more important than you/superior and always right. She isn't going to change and the 'friendship' sounds very one sided and unsupportive for you.

If someone spoke about members of my family the way she did I would walk away like a shot...after telling her to keep her opinions to herself and not to be so nasty.

You've had enough. Just tell her so via text or e mail, do not get embroiled in a phone conversation. Then keep to your word and do not contact her again or respond to her in any way.

I had to do this to someone I knew from school for nearly 60 yrs! She said something unforgiveable about someone I cared deeply for. She'd been annoying for a while, it was the last straw. Everyone she meets is fodder for gossip which is often slanderous!

Jesus OP you deserve a bloody medal for putting up with her for so long. Anyone who calls your family names in front of you is no friend. She's behaved appallingly, and you've kind of let her. Send a polite text saying you've got too much going on in your life to cope with her at the moment, and frankly you're tired of her behaviour. Then block any form of contact.

this is a very long friendship and it's got tensions but I suspect, from all you've said, that this woman relies on you and trusts you completely and pretty well thinks that you are entirely on the same page over, well, everything. That's just not the case with any two people, there are always going to be areas they think differently on.

It's not ok for her to be criticising and it's not ok for you to be feeling like you really don't want to talk to, so something definitely needs to change. Freindship is a two way street and when it's not working, then it's not working.

But it would be unkind to close off the friendship. I think you do need to grit your teeth for the sake of so many years' friendship and speak to her about what's going wrong.

How you speak to her depends on if she's the sort of person who's able to accept that something has been going wrong. If she is, then you can clear the air - setting boundaries that it's not ok to criticise your family, that's offlimits, and that you feel she wasn't there for you over your job decision, that in fact she was judgemental. That actually, on holiday you felt that it was her behaviour that was putting a wall up between you. That you value your friendship a great deal and so you want to make sure it continues, so you're speaking to her now.

If she isn't the sort of person who can accept gentle and constructive criticism then the friendship will not survive.

But I do think that it would be fair to try.

Iflyaway - I think the reason I put up with toxic people is because I don't recognise they are bad for me. I grew up in a chaotic and abusive environment so bad behaviour seems "normal" to me. I should be a warning to people who stay in bad marriages "for the children". Also, my sister said that I try to see the good in people. I suffer with self-esteem problems and lack of confidence. I always think I'm not good enough.

Beachcomber - she would say she's the last person who's selfish and in a way that is true. When she came to stay with me before our holiday she cooked a meal for me and did all sorts of things to help while I was at work, which was kind of her. She means well.

I just think that her lack of empathy means she has a complete lack of awareness of the impact of her words and attitude on others. That and her "certainty" that she is right, her dismissal of others' opinions.

JayneEyre - you are right. I have allowed this to happen. I can't blame anyone but myself.

It is so tempting to avoid contact. Because of the resentment that's built up over a long period.

She visited my city about six months ago and I was apprehensive about seeing her. But actually really enjoyed her company. And she insisted on paying for lunch, which was kind and generous.

SeaEagleFeathers - You are right - she told me I was her oldest and most trusted friend. She has always told me that if anything bad ever happens to me, that her home is my home and that she will look after me. So I think I do need to have that conversation with her. It is the decent thing to do.

Her sister told me that she "can be aggressive and gets nasty" sometimes. It's a problem that perhaps she is unaware of. If and when we do speak, I will have to be clear about my feelings and quell my urge to want to make people feel better.

It may work and it may not, but I will have at least given it a chance.

I want to thank everyone for their input as it's helped me to think this through.

Having slept on it overnight, I’m not sure a conversation is going to work. We are so very different to the point where I think we are out of sync. The way she expresses her opinions and talks down to me grates on me. And I find her neediness time-consuming and challenging. I keep going back to what a PP said- that she isn’t going to change. Sigh. I do think I’m done but morally the right thing to do is to have that conversation with her.

I think you’re fretting too much about something that is fairly easily resolved especially considering your location distance. The block button was invented for a reason. I would honestly have blocked a long time ago, she sounds absolutely draining.

Hi everyone, I wanted to update you and wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

I did not call my friend back for "the talk". I texted her, saying I was busy and hoped she was well.

Then contact from her stopped until a couple of weeks ago when she got in touch to say that her dog had died. That dog meant the world to her and was a great comfort to her after her son left to live with his father.

I sent her a sympathy card and called her and we had a long chat, though only about the dog and our lives, not about "the problem" between us. We just chatted about everything we used to talk about.

She still managed to have me bristling at something she said and I'm wondering if it's just me? If I am just mental? I suffer with depression and severe anxiety and have had some physical health issues.

My ex partner had died of cancer, which I told her about, and somehow we got on to the subject of death and she said: "You've got a real fear of death haven't you?"

I said, "Oh, well, hasn't everyone?" and she said, "No. I haven't."

Maybe I am completely wrong in my perception, or maybe I AM totally mental, but I just feel it's another case of one-upmanship. Her being better/stronger and me being weak/scared. Defective.

Please be honest folks if you think I'm being ridiculous and oversensitive, even mental.

And now I just have mixed feelings still. I texted her the other day saying I hoped she was bearing up and she texted back that she was a bit raw but thanks, my text "meant a lot".

Maybe I'm just someone who can't stand the truth or to have people disagree with me. I don't know. I just would not say those things to someone even if they were mentally ill.

I just find her abrasive and lacking in empathy. I even feel selfish bleating on here about it when she has lost her dog, who she loved. Maybe I just need to get a grip.

Thanks for listening

She just sounds like she is getting old op. I don't even fully mean that as her actual age - I just mean she's showing those classic signs of a person who is isolated, whose life theme has become loss (rather than growth), whose world has become very small and therefore her worldview was withdrawn into herself. She doesn't see the impact she has on other people. She can't really see past the end of her nose.

It's doubtful she means anything bad by what she says... But it does sound like you need a lot more sensitive handling than she is able to give (I mean that without judgement towards either of you - it's simply an issue of compatibility).

She is lonely. Loneliness can make you really bitter and self absorbed. This is what she is like now, and you can't be blamed for finding it draining.

Have you ever read up on codependency at all? A couple of comments you've made rang little bells for me. You know it's not your job to make her happy, to make her think well of you, to have a high opinion of any of your decisions? It's ok for her to disapprove of you and be crabby and shit - it's not a reflection on you - it's her expressing her loneliness and anger.

Equally though, you do not have to do any of this anymore. YOU get to choose what influences you want in your life. Your mind isn't a rubbish bin. Folk are NOT allowed to just dump whatever they please into your mind and heart, and leave you to clean up after them. You can choose.

And further to that, if you choose not to take this anymore, she is allowed to be angry with you, and you do NOT need to convince her to approve of you, or agree that you're being reasonable.

^ my statement above sounds ageist - I want to clarify that what I mean is, many people get to middle age and beyond without ever "getting old" in the way I describe.

Whereas some folk "get old" when they're 30.

A better way to put it is not as "getting old" but as "shifting into seeing life as a series of unrecoverable losses and not as opportunities for growth and betterment"

Thanks PrizeOik, that is very helpful. I think you're right that it's an issue of incompatibility.

In fact, the more I think about it, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We are just completely different people living completely different lives.

You're right that I shouldn't be angry with her, or disagree with her decision to be angry with me, if that's the case. We are just too different, I guess.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Loving your posts on other threads, btw....

Just to add to this:

A better way to put it is not as "getting old" but as "shifting into seeing life as a series of unrecoverable losses and not as opportunities for growth and betterment"

I totally agree. We are both early 50s and in general, despite my mental health issues, I look forward and do see new opportunities for growth. She is someone who, despite being very bright indeed, doesn't. She finds excuses not to embrace new opportunities.

I mentioned upthread that I once suggested she join the WI to meet new people and she rubbished the idea. I often meet new people through work, travel and Meet Up groups, but then I live in a much bigger city where there are many opportunities to do so.

One of my friends is 16 years older than me but you wouldn't know it. She is amazing - fit, healthy, full of life, looks fabulous, goes hiking across the country and to the gym and travels abroad and does all sorts of things.

You need to get rid of her and go NC. End of.

She’s a fucking drain, and I agree that your early conditioning has made you tolerate her when others wouldn’t.

And please don’t be guilted into socialising with her - if anyone feels you “owe” her something then they can hang out with her themselves and take one for the team