I've been "best friends" for decades with a woman I met at school. I left our hometown in the north 20 years ago and live in the south. She has always lived in our hometown.
In the last decade or so she's gone through a lot of sh*t. She got divorced and her ex made her life hell. She was ringing me almost daily, wanting to talk for at least an hour. But when I had to get off the phone she would start crying.
I've always worried about her and felt guilty if I didn't return her calls straight away. She found a new boyfriend who turned out to be controlling and lived off her. Then her ex-H persuaded her son, aged 14, to live with him, which destroyed her. She finally dumped the BF but he stalked her and the police got involved. I've been listening to the ins and outs of all this for over ten years.
For years I've sort of dreaded her calls not because I didn't like her but because, while I'm sympathetic to her problems, it's hard to get her off the phone and she seems to expect me to talk for about 2 hours. When I say I have to go, she just carries on talking, or sometimes she sounds sulky.
She has friends but does not have much of a life outside work and seeing her son. My sister said that my friend is "just lonely".
I don't know if I've only noticed this in the last year or so but I've realised we're very different. I think her experiences have made her bitter and hard.
This was brought into sharp focus when we went on holiday recently, when she was constantly telling me what to do and berating me if I didn't oblige. When I gave my opinion - calmly - on why I didn't agree or want to go along with her, she accused me of "trying to put a wall between us".
She thinks she knows best and as long as I'm doing what I'm told and agreeing with her all goes well. She likes to be "right".
I find her prejudices hard to cope with: she's critical of southerners and Tories. (I'm a Labour voter but have friends and family who vote Tory.) She has frequently criticised my family, calling my brother in law a "c*nt", my sister "stuck up" and my niece "spoilt". My niece is not spoilt and my sister and her husband are wonderful, kind people who I am very close to. I told her: "Please don't say that. X is my family member and I love them/ ... or "my brother in law is a great guy." Even if they weren't wonderful, is this how normal people speak of their friend's family members to their faces? I feel that she doesn't respect me.
She has little empathy for other people but expects them to have sympathy for her. I recently thought about leaving my job over a change to our conditions but decided in the end to stay. Partly because I was suffering severe anxiety at the prospect of making myself unemployed in a poor job market (in my industry). I am on my own with a mortgage to pay and no pension.
She was unsupportive of my decision to stay in my job and I had the impression that she thought I was weak and spineless. She works for the government and has a job for life and a great pension.
We haven't spoken now for several weeks because I haven't felt like taking her calls. I texted her instead a couple of weeks ago to say that I was busy and hoped she was ok. But still she is calling me. I have not yet responded to the latest missed calls because I don't know what to say to her.
I don't want to hurt her feelings and I don't want the drama of a 2-hour discussion about our friendship. I just don't feel like talking to her. Whether or not I will continue to feel this way I don't know.
If anyone could advise me how to deal with this, I'd be grateful.