Getting over everything

[sameoldsame]

I know that many people post this, and I probably know the answer in my heart. But how do you end up not being a bitter angry person.

My ex, of 3.5 ended things with me in november and has since got back together with his ex. I always struggled with her.

We were friends for a long time, so I know them both and I know what happened with their breakup (she cheated) and all I can think now is that he never really wanted to be with me. All the things he ever said about her, about how unhappy he was and how horrible she was were all a lie.
it's just eating away at me. I have sent some angry messages to him, so now he just accuses me of being bitter and sad and twisted and eaten up with envy.

I want to wish him well, I know things don't always work out the way we want them to, but I cannot seem to move on. I am sat here on my own knowing that they're spending their sunday together
I feel totally used, all the time when he was depressed and I was his friend helping him through things.
I know I am better off without him, objectively, I know all the things that people say.
I know I shouldnt have got involved, but I really did love him, and in all honesty I had always had feelings for him, but never told him or anyone.

I don't want to be a bitter sad lady for the rest of my life. But I just cannot seem to let this go. We also work in the same industry, so whilst I don't have to see him all the time, I do bump into him at least once a month. I also think I have lost the chance to ever be properly happy.

Sorry for the rant, but I am just struggling today.

Op, I may not have anything helpful to add here but just a hand of support - I’m in the exact same situation as you. He even told me he had never been over his ex the time we were together.
It’s so bloody hard, I think all that can be done is to let time heal. Sounds cliche but it works. And no contact.
The bitterness and anger will go away. It hurts though and you’re allowed to feel it.

Keep strong, in a few more weeks/months you’ll be feeling much better. Keep remembering that

Do you mean you were together for 3.5 years? You were also mutual friends with his ex but got with him after their initial break up? As you say you'd always had feelings for him?

Either way, break-ups are never fun and perhaps he never really quite got over her. Your best bet is to distract yourself even if it at times feels forced and difficult. Wallowing every now and then is fine, but it can't last forever. As you say you don't want to end up a bitter sad lady for the rest of your life. So it starts with distraction. Do you have anyone to talk it out with?

There will be days where you will feel like you're on fire and President of the world, and others where you feel like just hiding away in a dark room to cry and run away from the world. Equally valid feelings when getting over what seems to have been a person that really got under your skin.

Life can be awful at times. It won't always be awful and there will be moments of happiness. Time is a healer; it makes the scars less severe even though the scars might always be there. Have a cry if need be from time to time but remember why this was never going to work; he triangulated you both and lied to you. Your objective mind is sound, it will take sometime for your heart to catch up but you will get there.

Thank you both. We were together for the last 3.5 years up till november. they split up a year before we got together, and I guess I was his emotional crutch through the break up. I have know him total of 10 years, we met through work.
I look back in hindsight and think I always liked him as more than friends, but then nothing about this is really clear in my mind anymore.

when we became friends we were both with our respective partners. and we all hung out and had mutual friends. I broke up with my then DP, which had been a long relationship, but was a lot easier to get over than this, and I am still friends with him - as it was just simply something that had run it's course.
Sorry, if it's really complicated. none of us 4 cheated with each other.

I am just struggling more with them being together again, I can't seem to stop myself looking at social media and then I get really angry and end up texting him, and then he calls me a twisted destructive bitter person. though this I have stopped doing now.

I have also lost of mutual friends who I no longer can face hanging out with as it's just a massive reminder of him.

I've been trying really hard to get out there and meet new people, but I just can't help feeling that all I was, was a holding person for him, whilst he worked out what he really wanted.

I wasnt ever really friends with her, and now I have an overwhelming hatred of her, which again I know is totally unjustified.

I hope the bitterness goes away, as I can't see how I can have a happy life if that's how I feel.
It all just whirrs around in my mind constantly, I just end up feeling like collateral damage, whilst everyone else gets on with their happy lives.

I will point out to you that you sound incredibly self-aware, logical of mind and erudite. There's nothing really to advise you on as you already know it. The fact that you shouldn't be checking up on any of their social media profiles and sending angry texts. It seems you just need to get it out of your system.

It's only been 4/5 months since the split. Of course it is still raw. The key is to recognise when to allow yourself to dwell and feel bitter over it and when to draw a line.

This might be something that will always be somewhere floating at the back of your mind. But it should not stop or hinder the rest of your life.

You haven't said if you're working, have dc or what else there is going on in your life?

You won't always feel bitter, but the key to doing this is retraining your mind. When you find your thoughts wandering try to think about anything else - pretend like you're having a conversation about the impact on pigeons on house-development in Yorkshire. Just anything. It will take some practice and you won't always manage to keep focus. But you need to keep trying.

take yourself off social media lovely.. and step back from everything that makes you feel emotional...

and remember .. she couldn't have been happy with him to Cheat... what makes her believe she'll be happier this time round....

you be kind to yourself lovely... and think of it as a lucky escape and you will meet someone who doesn't use you as an emotional crutch to recover from their ex

Thanks everyone.
I have a good job, he was my last real chance to have children and it just didnt happen, im in my 40's now. no family, no partner, all my friends married with kids. it's my birthday in a week and I just feel like a total failure.

I am working on myself a lot, but I do feel used and that everyone else got their happy ever after.
I have taken myself off all SM but you can still see a lot without being on it.
I guess I am equally sad, that I thought I was going to end up with one of my best friends, and I still find it hard to move away from that fantasy, even now I would take him back even though logically I know it wouldnt work.

it's not too late

It sounds like you had more invested in the relationship than he ever did and you were in denial about this.

This woman isn't living the life you were meant to live because you weren't meant live the life she's living. Mourn the fantasy but you've romanised the man and the relationship to such a degree that it's stopping you from moving on.

Your happy ever after doesn't include this being in a relationship with this man.

thnaks gemini - i . think it is too late now. I can't see myself trusting anyone anytime soon.
and yes Isetan, I think you're right, I did invest too much, I gave everything to it, and I believed in us.
I'm trying to mourn the fantasy, but I find it so hard, he also told me many things about me being his best friend and the love of his life.

I have been doing some counselling and she thinks he was lying to me a lot, but I find it very hard to reconcile that in my mind, I just wouldnt ever do that to someone.
Anyway, sorry for going round in circles, that's all my mind feels like atm.

thank you for all taking the time to listen, it means a lot to me

You’ve got to try and pick yourself up
Don’t let him ruin the rest of your life

Dear OP,
Its OK to feel bitter and angry, and totally normal given what you have experienced. My heart really does go out to you right now. The key is to find that flicker of hope and and optimism that life really will be fun again one day, but it will take time. Like yourself, I found myself in the "trough of despair" many moons ago and felt like there was no way out and listened while well meaning people said "time heals" and other such platitudes. However, that didn't really help me to be honest, nor did re-hashing events with counsellors and friends. We're all made of different stuff obviously, but my salvation was to just take myself off to the other side of the world for a year. I admit I was in a fortunate position of working freelance so could arrange to work and travel. Just meeting new people who didn't know me as half of a couple made a huge difference - it was almost like re-inventing myself as I wanted to be known. It was just liberating and gave my "recovery" a jump start. I know that you have a job and are still likely to see the ex , which is incredibly difficult, but have you considered removing yourself from this environment and would you be in a position to travel/work elsewhere? This is just a suggestion as I can only advise what worked for me, but please, please believe you can and will be happy again!
"

Oh OP, this sounds awful. Your trust has been betrayed and you've been hurt, it's normal to feel sad and any sane person would!

Try not to ruminate on it, meet new people, get a new hobby, get out more and distract yourself (this will help speed up the healing process).

"Don't want to be a bitter sad lady for the rest of my life" - You won't be, as hurtful as this feels now. One day you'll look back and be glad it happened and happy where you are. You won't always feel like this, remember it's temporary.

Big tip: Stay OFF their social media, don't even be tempted to look. It only brings negativity to your life. Focus on you now!

Thank you everyone
I wish I could go away for a year or even a few months. But I can’t give up my job, I’ve worked very hard to get here. I just wish it wasn’t in the same very small industry. But I guess I Justin have to deal with seeing him.

All your kind words have really helped me, and actually made me cry, not in a bad way.

I know I have to pick myself up and try and build a new life for myself
I am going to try and do that, I tried to stay friends, as before anything happened with us we were really best friends and that I miss more than anything, just having him to talk to.
I’m going to try and get fit, I’ve been drinking way too much, which is when I tend to send angry messages.

Thank you for all helping me and encouraging me, deep down I know it will get better with time, but sometimes I just feel like it’s all so helpless.
Xx

Don't stay friends with him. It's too hard on you and too easy for him. And tbh I bet his girlfriend hates the fact you were with him - I bet it's not easy for her, either.

I would give up drinking altogether - try and do it until Christmas. Join a gym or running group, or go swimming every day. Eat as though you've been ill and you need all the nutrition you can get. Take multi-vits, download a ton of podcasts and go for long walks. Look after yourself - it's so hard when a relationship ends, particularly if you have to keep seeing the other person.

Thanks, I know I can’t stay friends with him. He wants to. But it’s too hard. Didn’t get a message on my birthday, I told him not to contact me. So it’s probably for the best.
Onwards and upwards.
Just wish I could switch my brain off from imagining them being happy.
I know she doesn’t want him to see me, so even if we were friends it would be secret. And that’s not what I want.
Starting again in your 40s is bloody hard, but lots of people on here have been through worse and come out the other end

He's come out of this easily, hasn't he? He finished with her, you comforted him. Then you and he have finished and she's comforting him and worrying about whether he's still seeing you.

Of course he wants to stay friends - that makes things easier for him, but not for anyone else. He sounds quite selfish.

Yes he is selfish. How the fuck you stop loving someone you’ve known and been so close to, I just don’t know. That’s the hard bit

And I’ve just found out they’re going on holiday today. On my birthday

God I feel so shit, and I woke up feeling ok.
And in a heartbeat I feel shit again.
How the holy fuck do I get over this.
I just don’t think I can.
I am stopping myself from sending a message by coming on here

Don't even think of sending a message. Imagine both of them reading it together, if you need to. Don't give them that power.

Book yourself a holiday - a really great adventure holiday for single people - give us a budget and we'll find you something amazing.

It’s just like being hit in the face continually
Everytime I think I am doing ok, I just go back to zero again
I don’t really have any money for a holiday. And I can’t face going on my own.

He’s made his Instagram private which I guess is a good thing

Check out the No Contact thread on here.

Thank you. I went on it for a bit, but then I caved and started speaking to him again
I just never would have thought he could care so little about me after everything he used to say to me.
Sorry everyone for whingeing about it.
Just struggling today

The fact that he name called you (destructive, bitter) shows that he is an insensitive prick. Really, he sounds unpleasant:

“Yes I’ve dumped you for my ex, but stay my friend (so I can feel like a good guy) and don’t you dare have any painful feelings about me doing whatever the fuck I want!”

I hate him on your behalf. I give it eight months before she sleeps with someone else, and he will be on edge and unable to trust her for as long as they’re together.

You can have a dazzling future. Absolutely no doubt.

Stop drinking, get really fit. And start the process of moving back towards your path.

Yes you’re totally right.
Though when I ranted and was angry early on he was all understanding
I guess he’s just got bored of me being some mental bitch who can’t get over it.
How did I end up this crazy person who sends hours of angry messages, I’ve never done it before in my life to anyone.