Husband an addict, don't have the courage to confront or leave.

[DrMumMum]

Not sure if this is the right place to post in but I feel very lonely and like my life is spiralling out of control. My husband is addicted to opiate based painkillers. He manages to get them from his GP due to an injury and swears blind that he needs them, but I know he is taking them to get high (other prescribed non-opiate drugs aren't even collected) and has done for years.

He takes far too many at once and when he does his attitude is completely hyper and over the top. All too soon he has run out (usually way before the prescription is ready to be refilled), and turns into an obnoxious horrible person with an awful temper. He will sit staring into space or stay in bed most of the day. This is happening today and I am hiding in my own home as quite frankly it scares me. He has never been physically abusive but for some reason I'm incredibly nervous around him and worry about upsetting him when he's in this state.

We have a 2 year old. As a dad he's fairly useless. Never asks about birthday, Christmas presents etc. I always get them. He doesn't really have much to do with our DC at all. I do everything. I'm really wanting to leave, or for him to leave. I'm so scared of confrontation though. It petrifies me. Even the thought of it has me shaking with adrenaline. I wonder what it would take for me to do anything.

I really want out of this shitty situation but I don't seem able to get the courage to do it. Financially I could just about manage. I sometimes wonder if counselling would get me to a more assertive place. I guess what I'm really wondering if anyone else has been here or can relate. Sorry for the long ramble, my thoughts are a bit jumbled up at the moment. Thank you for reading.

Take your child, and go. No confrontation necessary.

Post letter, explaining he can see child at a contact center, until such a time he's free from drugs.

So you know what you want to do but don’t know how to start doing it?

Time for a plan?

Would you find some courage if someone physically attacked your child? I bet you would.

That's the courage you need to find now.

See a solicitor asap about your legal and financial rights. This will help you to clarify what you need to do and where you need to start.

Good luck.

It is his life, his addiction, don't let it ruin yours. You and your child don't need to be round this.
I lived with an alcoholic and as his behaviour bottomed out, after all the promises, the sleepless nights going over and over it, after the police came, after the furniture was smashed up I came to the end of the road.

Since then, my motto is that one of the greatest crimes someone can commit against you is wasting your time. This man is wasting your life. Don't allow it, take it back.

You can rebuild your life and you can't do that as it stands. Your child won't have the calm and happy home it deserves with a mother who is not an anxious wreck, distracted and unhappy. GIve both of you a chance at a happy life.

You can do it. Ring Al Anon for support. IT is a gropu that supports the families of addicts even if he won't recognise he is one, the behaviour is addictive. Either kick him out, or leave. It might feel like a leap in the dark but it will be ok.

Thank you, all of you, for your words of encouragement. Lola, I didn't know about Al Anon, I'll give them a call. Sorry to hear you went through that. A solicitor too that's great advice. The comment about having the same sort of courage as if somebody was hurting my child has really resonated. All of your words have been very helpful.

DrMumMum you sound like a very thoughtful and compassionate person that you would feel sad for my past experiences. Believe me, I learned so much from that time, it has stood me in good stead. I went onto university, took a degree in psychology, worked in substance misues services with the very sorts of people you are living with now.
They are not bad. They are simply fucked up.
He probably isn't even aware of what he is doing, but you will be a long time waiting for him to realise that.
Addiction hurts everyone. The addict and the family and that pain goes on and on. The sooner you stop it, the sooner you can heal and your child can live a full and care free childhood that it deserves.

You can also get support from www.familiesanonymous.org.uk. FA has groups in some parts of the UK, a forum, litrature and you can also phone for support. Addiction is very much a family disease, and when we realise that our lives have become unmanageable, we often seek recovery for ourselves. An addict has to reach "rock bottom", before they seek recovery.
You didn't cause his addiction and you cannot cure or control it
Your responsibility is to yourself and your child

Thank you for the families anon info serene. Unfortunately they don't hold a local meeting, but the forum is interesting and definitely makes me feel less alone. I will try to be as strong as I have ever been and endeavour to put myself and my lovely child first Thanks again to you all for taking time out of your lives to advise me

Do you have family near that you can go to?
Do ye own the house or rent? As said just quietly pack up and go. Say nothing. Bring important documents. Get support from your family if possible. Just take one step. You cannot live like this.
Most important thing do not confront just leave when you are ready. No talking as he is not in a place for that. Mind yourself.

Hi June, I do have family nearby and they are supportive, I don't really feel like I'd be able to stay there though. I get the feeling they don't really like talking about this kind of thing and they quite often change the subject if I bring it up

The house is owned. I'm the only one on the mortgage actually as we only moved back to the area last year. I bought it many years before I met him and purposfully haven't put him on the account as he is so bad with finances (with history of some gambling too) and that is one thing I have stuck to my guns about! I know being married changes all that though and it's not like it's just mine anymore.

I like your one step at a time advice. Thank you. I'm off to work now and I think I'm going to grab a cuppa at some point and quietly ring a solicitor.

Although the house will be a property of the marriage - as you have a child that will give you (as resident parent) a greater share.

How long have you been married? If a short marriage, which can is not a fixed length of time, you can argue for more of your original assets.
Also are you in England and Wales or Scotland? That also affects things.

Basically get legal advice. But take that first step first, for your child.

Hi Beka, we're in England and have been married 3 years. I bought the house in 2000. Legal advice is definitely my 'first step' in all this horrible mess. He gets his new prescription today so no doubt he'll be back to the hyper version of himself.

Well done. Solicitor will want to have information like details of salaries, pensions, loans/mortgage etc. Try and have that to hand for your first meeting.

If you don't like the first solicitor, keep looking; I went with the third one I saw. Don't forget that some solicitors will give a free first half hour.

Only being married for 4 years may be positive for you as regards splitting assets, but you will have to check that.

Good luck.

Sorry - meant to say less than 4 years.

Please leave him. I am an only child of an alcoholic father who then switched his alcohol addiction to a dihydrocodeine addiction. The problem is my father is now 74 and needs more and more tablets as his body gets used to the previous dose. It's a slippery slope.

My father has pushed everyone else away with his vile behaviour to the point where I was the only one left. Now he has been so horrendous to me (emotional blackmail and terrible lies..all addicts lie) that I've had to block his number and go no contact which I feel so guilty about, but I'm so ill with the stress I've had to do it. I'm 35 years old and I've never had any peace in my life because of my father's addictions.

Don't let your little boy end up like me. Remove him from the situation now so he doesn't grow up feeling it's his job to 'fix' his unwell daddy. Set very firm boundaries while your boy is young.

It's so, so hard

Zebrano, I'm so sorry to hear the effect your dad's addiction has had on you. You're actually talking about the drug in question (with some tramadol on the side whenever he can get any). I hope eventually you manage to get some peace from your situation. This has been a very stark warning for me. I've read your post several times now and the thought it could be my little boy feeling like this in 35 years has made me angry. and for you.

Cambinome, I managed to find a couple of solicitors yesterday so I'm going to visit and see if I get a 'feeling' for one of them. I would never have thought I could change if I didn't like them, so thanks for the advice!

I've woken with a new sense of purpose today, thank you everyone.

Hi again. Just wanted to thank you all for your help. I finally plucked up the courage to confront my husband today. It's all over and he will be moving out. Best all round I believe.

Apparently it's all my fault and he will not admit there is a problem with the drugs. That was very difficult to listen to but hopefully this time next year we will be in a much better place.

To all of you who contributed to my post , thank you. Your advice was instrumental in my finally plucking up the courage. To anyone reading this who is a similar position to me, you can do this. If I can, anyone can.

Well done, OP. Your life will get so much better without this man in it. I'm about 8 months down the line from telling mine (alcoholic) it was over and we are all so much happier. You are doing a great thing for your DS.

Hope he move out soon, did you get legal,advice ?

I've an appointment with a solicitor next week. He's asked for a couple of weeks to move which I feel is reasonable. I'm feeling very shocked and upset, yet relief that I'm finally doing this.

I'm sure to have a massive wobble. Already I'm wondering if I could have done more, but in my heart I really do realise I did my best.

Don't wobble. Don't give him endless time to move out either. I let my STBXH get away with far too much procrastination - he just used the time to drink and get worse and worse. It ended with me having to have him removed by the police. Be firmer than I was.

Sounds like a horrible situation you had to go through. Do you feel much better now? Was it worth it in the end?

Thank you for the warning.

I feel infinitely better now. It was worth every bit of the heartache. My DDs are teenagers and really, I should have ended things much earlier. They do not want contact with him, not even by phone/text. He's completely wrecked his relationship with them.

The three of us are a strong, happy little family and I see DDs blossoming day by day - no more walking on eggshells, they are playful and funny again, they have really stepped up doing things around the house. DD2's academic work was sliding during the last 6 months before he moved out - it has completely turned round in the 3 since he left. Honestly, life with an addict destroys you.

Oh OP well done! That was the brave and right thing to do!

All the best going forward. I have a feeling you will be just fine!