HELP my fiancee has a problem with my family and I don't know what to do

[melj22]

My fiancee hates having my mum and/or my sisters visit and won't let me go and visit them. He says they take away time with our 1 year old from him when they are here and if we (my son and I) went to see them it would take away even more time. I don't know what to do, my family have been nothing but nice to him, I love my family I see my mum and my sisters as my friends - I don't really have any friends other than my family. My mum comes to visit once a month to twice a month at the most - I normally try and make sure it is when he is working so doesn't take away too much time he would have with our wee man but now every time they come he gets really hostile and it stresses me out so much, I don't want to have to choose! Advice please?!

Your child isn’t going to benefit from living with a person who is horrible and unkind to his mother.

The relationship you are describing is not the way it should be. People who love each other go out of their way to make sure the other person has a nice time in their lives.

And your child will benefit more from having an extended, loving family around them, rather than learning about 'love' and 'family' from your partner.

I agree, one of the main things motivating me at the moment is I don't want my little man to grow up thinking the way his dad treats me is how he should treat anyone

Nope. Not because of you. Because of OH. Remember that. You're trying to have a normal family life. It's OH who is trying to cut you off. His fault. Not yours.

He will flip up, and it will be nasty. But the longer you stay the worse it will be.

The fact he only started that level of control when you were pregnant may mean he has started to replicate patterns he grew up with, or more worryingly, it may mean the priority has been shifted to your son, so he is seeing you as the “guardian of the heir” and is chastising you as in his view, you are not taking good care of his property.

Be careful OP, and move quick. This doesn’t look good at all.

Relationship counselling would only help if he accepted he has a problem. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money.

What he needs to do is accept he has a problem in trying to isolate you from your family and control you...then he would go to individual counselling and be honest and truthful with the counsellor/therapist.

Therapy could help him unravel why he behaves this way. Maybe he's had a previous relationship where he felt abandoned and less important. That's what he needs to figure out. You need to be clear that you won't tolerate this kind of control going forwards.

Without acknowledgement by him...it's a non starter.

Having said all that...I'd still be very reluctant to have my DD marry a man who thought his behaviour was acceptable to start with.

I don't want my little man to grow up thinking the way his dad treats me is how he should treat anyone

Exactly.

If more mums thought this way, there would be less abusive men. Far too many women don't exit such relationships...and the behaviour they see becomes normalised.

Don't marry this man. You will come to regret it very deeply. His behaviour is abnormal and he is trying to isolate and control you. It's just the beginning. You need to get the fuck away from him. Seriously. You need to get away.