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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP my fiancee has a problem with my family and I don't know what to do

58 replies

melj22 · 24/03/2018 21:23

My fiancee hates having my mum and/or my sisters visit and won't let me go and visit them. He says they take away time with our 1 year old from him when they are here and if we (my son and I) went to see them it would take away even more time. I don't know what to do, my family have been nothing but nice to him, I love my family I see my mum and my sisters as my friends - I don't really have any friends other than my family. My mum comes to visit once a month to twice a month at the most - I normally try and make sure it is when he is working so doesn't take away too much time he would have with our wee man but now every time they come he gets really hostile and it stresses me out so much, I don't want to have to choose! Advice please?!

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 24/03/2018 22:11

My advice? Run !

RamblinRosie · 24/03/2018 22:14

How is he when your friends visit? Or don't your friends visit anymore?

Family visiting a couple of times a month is perfectly normal, and is great for socialising your little one.

How much quality time does he really spend with his son? Does he focus every evening and weekend on his son... baths, nappies, feeding, bed time, playing? I'm guessing not.

It sounds as if he's trying to isolate you from your family, the fact that you don't really have any friends makes me wonder why, does he discourage you from making friends?

My DH nags me to contact my friends, helps me cook when they visit, drove me round the country last year to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen for a while. He wants me to have a social life and a support network.

Your partner really doesn't sound like he's very nice to you.

Do you feel cared for? Not loved or adored, that's often all puffery, caring counts. If you fell ill, would he clean up your vomit and shit, run out to get you yogurt or whatever you wanted?

If not this relationship is not worth your time.

Haffiana · 24/03/2018 22:21

Do you have a job, OP? Is he the one that has suggested that you stay at home? Are you happy about this?

Are you 'allowed' to take your son to baby groups? Do you meet other Mums?

If no to these, then you need to call Women's Aid. You can simply call and ask them what you have asked us - do they think that this is normal? 0808 2000 247

Original poster
melj22 · 24/03/2018 22:25

I do have a mummy's group that I go to, they are all relatively new friends but it is nice to have the social time, the other half did not want me to go to these catch ups initially saying his son would get sick from the other babies but I just did anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
melj22 · 24/03/2018 22:26

I would do anything for him and our little man but no I don't think he would do the same, when I am sick he just carries on his life as normal - says a mum still has to carry on when she is sick...

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 24/03/2018 22:28

Sorry, but you MUST listen to everyone. He is trying to isolate you from your family.

Please do not marry him.

Haffiana · 24/03/2018 22:29

You see, a normal boyfriend, one who really truly loved you, would want for you to be happy. He would want you to spend time with people who made you happy. He would be happy for you to be with your family because they are important to you.

A man who tries to isolate you from the things that make you happy does not love you. Actually he would have to hate you in order to actively try to make you unhappy. He will tell you it is for all sorts of good reasons ie 'he loves his son'. But you know this isn't true, because you wouldn't do that to someone you love.

He also doesn't love his son. He is cutting his son off from people who love him, his aunts and gran. He is making his son's mother deeply unhappy and he doesn't care. He is doing this because he is a bad, damaged, broken BAD man who can only act for his own benefit.

But you know this. Deep down, you know this.

SD1978 · 24/03/2018 22:34

I’d be concerned that he has limited to no contact with anyone Exocet you and your child, and insists on the same behaviour from you. You shouldn’t have to time things around him not being there. This would be a huge red flag to me. Sounds like he is quite controlling and attempting to seperate you from your support network, whilst couching it in terms of wanting to spend time together. Personally- I’d run. Or if you wouldn’t, then do not allow him to decide time spent with others.

SilverySurfer · 24/03/2018 22:34

Classic control technique to isolate you from your family and friends. It only escalates from here. Please, don't marry this man - would you be able to live with your parents initially if you leave him?

Fishface77 · 24/03/2018 22:35

Tell people what he’s really like in rl. Get support.

Spudina · 24/03/2018 22:41

If this man truly loved you, he would want you to be happy. He doesn't love you. He just wants to control you. Please contact women's aid. Of course he should look after you and your child if you are sick. (Today I came on my period, so wasn't actually sick, just felt a bit rubbish with cramps and nausea) My DH brought me tea in bed, got my kids in their PJs, read them bedtime stories and put them to bed. That's what a good man does. Please don't up with this crap.

Cambionome · 25/03/2018 00:19

Are you listening to the advice on here, op? It sounds like you are sleepwalking into a very difficult and unpleasant future. Sad

Original poster
melj22 · 25/03/2018 03:08

I am definitely taking it all on board, some really good advice, just wanting to plan my next move very carefully as I have my little guy to think of...
as many have suggested I am going to reach out to some local community support so they can help me

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 25/03/2018 06:16

My advice is also don’t marry him. You do see that this behaviour is abnormal and controlling don’t you? It’s one thing if he doesn’t wasn’t to spend time with your family, but he has no right at all to stop you.

Isolating your victim from potential support networks is step 1 in the abusers handbook.

Sally2791 · 25/03/2018 07:00

Worrying signs that he is trying to isolate you.

ElizaDontlittle · 25/03/2018 07:08

Keep talking here OP. We all normalise things to cope you you're unlikely to suddenly just wake up and realise that he is an emotionally abusive nasty man who sees you as his property. But gradually you will. It's much better to do so before you matry him.

And you wouldn't be preventing your son from having a relationship with his father by leaving. He could still do that. You are protecting yourself. Think of all those hopes and dreams you had before you met him. For a life where you are surrounded by people you love, for... you fill in the blanks, a career, new friends... you can still have those things but you won't do with him because he wants you isolated and, looking at your eg of being ill, suffering.

Addy2 · 25/03/2018 07:20

Seriously, OP, as soon as he feels you are sufficiently isolated and have no one to turn to, he'll get more abusive. Maybe physically, maybe emotionally. And you'll feel stuck and alone. It's a pattern that repeats time and again on here. It's so good that you're questioning it before it gets to that stage. Keep questioning! And do put off the wedding, make an excuse to postpone if you don't feel able to cancel outright yet. We're all here for you and know uprooting your life is tough - no one would advise it if we thought it unnecessary. Flowers

Original poster
melj22 · 25/03/2018 07:31

Thanks everyone for your advice it is really nice to feel so much support, wedding isn't until end of the year so have time to figure out a plan, does anyone think relationship counselling would be worth it for our little ones sake? or that he is unlikely/more likely unwilling to change?

OP posts:
Theducksarenotmyfriends · 25/03/2018 07:33

when I am sick he just carries on his life as normal - says a mum still has to carry on when she is sick.

This is so worrying. When I'm sick my dp does everything (except bf!), it's not even questioned it's just what you do in an equal partnership. Your baby (and you) need socialization, it's really good for him to be at baby and toddler groups and to build loving relationships with your family.

Your baby will get sick (colds etc) most likely from play groups. This is a good thing, it helps build up his immune system. I bet at the first sign of a sniffle your partner will use that as an excuse to try and stop you going. It really, really sounds like he's trying to isolate you to control you. Exactly the same thing happened to someone in dp's family and it escalated into awful emotional and, eventually, physical abuse and has traumatised their children.

Think about what's best for your son - your partner seems to want you both isolated, no relationship with family outside your tiny unit, for you to do everything even if unwell - does this sound healthy?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2018 07:36

He won't change. He is an abuser who is manipulating you. You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you marry him. In my opinion, you can get away from him fast enough.

Tailfeather · 25/03/2018 07:36

I agree with most of these comments. Alarm bells should be ringing as it is very controlling. Family is important, and having your own child reconfirms that. I couldn't be with someone who didn't appreciate how important family is. Don't get me wrong, it's hard sometimes. I really don't like my in-laws and they rub me up the wrong way, but I encourage my husband to see them and it's important for me for my baby to have a relationship with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 25/03/2018 07:39

Relationship counseling?!? Why on Earth do you think that would work. It would only work if you go on your own and looking for a way not to save your relationship but to leave it safely.

Honestly OP, as a victim of abuse, you may have started to normalise your life with a controlling abusive man. The fact that he is the father of your baby doesn’t mean you have to force your child to grow up with abuse that can only get worse, just because he is his dad.

Getting annoyed because your family visit when he is not even at home??? WTF? Run, while you safely can. This is not even manipulation it is out right controlling abusive behaviour.

DownTownAbbey · 25/03/2018 08:25

Do not put up with an abusive relationship 'for the sake' of your child. Firstly your DC is an infant and has no current ties to the area. Staying longer means you'll have more pressure to stay put and stay isolated. Your DC won't know any different at the moment. When DC starts school you'll decide you have to stay put and he'll have another stick to beat you with.

I know it feels like a bad time to leave but this is actually the best time. Before your DC learns that DM is treated badly by DF. Before you're married, before nursery.

Move back to where your family can support you. I bet one of them would help out if you were sick ffs!

MrsMozart · 25/03/2018 08:26

And he controls what you do because why?

Original poster
melj22 · 25/03/2018 08:30

most of this seems to have started happening since I got pregnant and even more so after I have had our little one...
I think it is great advice re me seeing counsellor to help me through exiting the relationship I plan to do this asap
my family will definitely support me through and I can stay with them... I am just scared about the fall out - he will flip out and say I am taking his son away from him and that our son will grow up with a broken home because of me...

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