Help me

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I posted about my relationship about 2 years ago. I was told to LTB. I haven’t left him.

Since the birth of our child (who is now 5) he has not been the man I fell in love with. 3 years ago I found out that he’d been cheating on me in the early stages of our relationship. He says before he moved in with me, the exOH says after our child was born. That was hard to deal with, I guess I didn’t really deal with it.

Anyway when I say he wasn’t quite right he was tired all the time and I mean exhausted. He was bad tempered and rude. He stopped being fun. We argued a lot. I tried to get him to go to counselling with me. I tried to leave him. I couldn’t bring myself to.

After being fobbed off by doctors for years he has just been diagnosed with an auto immune disease. I’d never heard of it before but it turns out he could have dropped down dead at any point in the last few years and stress makes it worse.

Now he’s on drugs for it I’ve seen some lovely improvements in him. But he is still bad tempered and rude. And he is very preoccupied getting his head around his condition, which I totally understand.

But he’s so horrible to be around. I just want everything to be ok and it’s not. We just had an argument about him being in a bad mood because DD wouldn’t eat her dinner and because he was in a bad mood he was snappy with me. He’s gone to bed and I am on the couch crying. I don’t know how to make things ok.

You know it's not your job to make it ok?

You must know that.

What can we do that will help you leave this situation? x

You can't make things ok.

You can't make him have a fundamental personality change.

Everything that was said to you 2 years ago still applies.

When I argue with him I end up feeling like it is all my fault. I try and be all bright and breezy and jokey and he is stoned faced and snappy. A lot. He says I am rude to him.

Example of me being rude: he is watching a video on his phone. I say something about where we are going on holiday to start a chat. He isn’t listening and I ask him a question. He can’t answer. I say should you prefer to watch your video. He says that’s rude.

After an argument following another silly thing where he said I was being rude to him I packed my bags last week and phoned my mum but she said I should stay - he should leave. She thought it would be too distressing for DD to find me gone in the morning. There’s no way my partner will ever leave.

I think I have to.

I don’t know how to break up with him. Specially not now he has just had a diagnosis and they are also testing for organ damage. He’s been told about personality issues as part of it. And he’s been told to avoid stress etc.

You need to leave, or get legal advice to get him out. But do not leave your DD behind that will cause her all kinds of distress in the future.

Leave and take DD with you to your mothers.

Why did you want to leave DD behind?

Prizeoik it was the middle of the night. I wasn’t thinking right, I just wanted to get away from him. I think in my mind I’d have come back the next morning before she knew I was gone to help her get ready for school. I’m not very rational about any of this.

Understood.

I think you need to take DD and go.

What would need to happen for you to do that?

Prizeoik I don’t know. I’m scared of being the bad guy. I’m scared of how nasty and complicated it could be.

Try to take a step back from the emotion of it all. Stop trying to get him to engage with you - its clear that he isn't going to and it's just causing you distress. So get busy with your own life. Stop trying to fix him. Go about your day, do nice things with your daughter, see friends, go for a walk, do anything other than try and force him to be pleasant. By doing this, you will feel a bit more in control, a bit more rational and you will give yourself time to think and plan what you want to do next.

Fosterdog that’s so insightful, my life’s a bit like that - he stays home evenings and weekends while I do stuff with my DD, exercise, see friends etc. I feel so guilty but I used to stay in because he got angry about it but he was grumpy either way.

I feel sorry for him. I want him to enjoy his life and to spend time with us. Family days out are majorly stressful though.

Maybe when his meds are all sorted and at the right level he will be nice again. It’s like he has forgotten how to be around people.

PS I think I know I can’t change him.

Is it worth setting a kind of ultimatum with myself? Like, if it is no better by this date then it’s over?

Why would it get better? His personality is what it is. You know fine well it isn't about the medication.

It sounds like he gets stressed by you and DD a lot, just by you being normal doing normal things. If you care about what people think tell them he found marriage and children to be stressful and he had to cut his stress so you left so he could get better without that stress.

Sohard - you can't change him, you know that. You can't make him want to spend time with you. I know you long for this but it isn't going to happen. I'm so sorry that that's the case but it is the reality. You have to start to let go of thinking you can make him better, if only, maybe he will do x when y happens. You've already been waiting for years. Emotionally detach from him. You CAN re-find your rational, calm, positive self. You CAN take steps towards a better life. Stop letting this man dictate the direction of your life. I'm waivering on the ultimatum. He ISNT going to change and hoping he will do so by, let's say Summer, is only delaying the inevitable.

Before we had DD he was amazing fun. Up for anything. Larger than life. Life and soul. Completely amazing.

The stress of everything completely got to him. Now I hear it’s part of his condition. He gets really worked up about normal stuff as you say RabbitRun.

Why would it get better? I’m hoping that if the condition he has responds well to his meds then he might feel better and be nicer and more fun because he doesn’t feel like death warmed up all the time.

Maybe it won’t but I’m trying to work out whether to give it one last chance. Or what to do. I don’t know.

I read the threads about staying together for the kids and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be 55, my kid going to uni and me leaving him when I’m all old. We could break up this year and we’d still have our lives ahead of us.

Ps, ditch the guilt about going out. You're allowed to do what you want, as is he. It's his choice to stay in. You don't need his permission or approval to live your own life.

Fosterdog, your response made me cry but it’s because it is fairly accurate. I think I know. I’m just going to have to find a way to separate myself from it.

What kind of auto-immune disease?
Sorry to ask, but some of them, (admittedly rarer - yes I do have experience of this with a dc), have a seriously shortened life expectancy.
If so, that may be influencing how he is behaving now.

I went away for work last year for 3 weeks and I didn’t miss him. I think that says something. I’m trying hard to love him and he doesn’t show me love back.

Mineofuselessinformation - it’s Addisons. he’s waiting for tests to see if not being diagnosed for ages is a problem and also if he has other things with the Addison’s.

I think that’s why I’m treading carefully not wanting to do the wrong thing. But he is horrible to me.

Life is way too short for this shit!

Having a rant here is helping me. I hope you all don’t mind.

He was taking about someone he knows who has been given a few years to live and who has set up home with his other woman. He said to me he completely understood how that guy felt.

Blonde yes!!!

I'm sure it did make you cry but that's only because you are starting to grieve for the loss of a relationship that you know has run its course. If it was simply about his medical condition, then that's one thing but what you describe is something else entirely. He's lied and cheated, he ignores you, he's rude and unpleasant.