Help me

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I posted about my relationship about 2 years ago. I was told to LTB. I haven’t left him.

Since the birth of our child (who is now 5) he has not been the man I fell in love with. 3 years ago I found out that he’d been cheating on me in the early stages of our relationship. He says before he moved in with me, the exOH says after our child was born. That was hard to deal with, I guess I didn’t really deal with it.

Anyway when I say he wasn’t quite right he was tired all the time and I mean exhausted. He was bad tempered and rude. He stopped being fun. We argued a lot. I tried to get him to go to counselling with me. I tried to leave him. I couldn’t bring myself to.

After being fobbed off by doctors for years he has just been diagnosed with an auto immune disease. I’d never heard of it before but it turns out he could have dropped down dead at any point in the last few years and stress makes it worse.

Now he’s on drugs for it I’ve seen some lovely improvements in him. But he is still bad tempered and rude. And he is very preoccupied getting his head around his condition, which I totally understand.

But he’s so horrible to be around. I just want everything to be ok and it’s not. We just had an argument about him being in a bad mood because DD wouldn’t eat her dinner and because he was in a bad mood he was snappy with me. He’s gone to bed and I am on the couch crying. I don’t know how to make things ok.

Ok, each update you give just makes me more certain. Stop having these conversations with him - it's just another twist of the knife. Go to bed, get some sleep, think about your day tomorrow. Have breakfast, make up a packed lunch and go out for the day with your daughter. Have fun somewhere and then use Sunday night to think about your exit plan. Do you work? Are you financially secure?

Whatever the cause of your partner’s behaviour it is still upsetting you. My ex has complex mental health problems so he was a nightmare to live with and abusive. I was still glad to leave.
There are plenty of people who have all kinds of health problems but who are not nasty and abusive.
It doesn’t matter why the dog bites, you are being bitten and have every right to protect yourself.

Yes I work. I earn twice as much as he does. Just luck really as we both work hard, just in different sectors. It is an issue for him.

IrisAtwood I’m sorry you went through that - how did you make up your mind enough was enough? Are things much better without him?

Is this a healthy environment for you to bring your DD up in? It doesn't sound like it and you obviously aren't happy either. I don't think your DH having an illness that changes your personality is enough of a reason for you to put up with an abusive partner. If you don't feel he would be violent to your DD and neither of you are at risk then making your own separate life outside the relationship is how many unhappy couples live but is that really what you want? What does he want? You to go or stay?

Yet another thing that he has an issue about. Honestly, I'm struggling to see any positives about this man.

@Sohardtochooseausername, It was an accumulation of abuse over time and the realisation that I was being destroyed that led to me accepting that it had to end.
I am feeling better as I am now able to be myself rather than walking on eggshells and suppressing my own feelings.

@Irisatwood I’m glad things are working out better for you.

What’s the point in setting yourself a deadline to see if it improves? You’ve already given him 2 years to improve and it hasn’t! You need to just pull the plug.

You were told to LTB two years ago. You chose not to. Your choice.

You're back again ask us to help you. I really don't see any other sensible advice we can offer but to repeat precisely the same advice.

You should leave him. Whether you will is totally up to you. It's still your choice. But I would ask you to consider your child who does NOT have a choice. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

I should clarify though that my ex ended it (probably as another cruel game) and I did struggle for several months, but time has helped and I am better away from him and seeing things more clearly.