Fed up of asking for commitment and time

[Youredoingmyheadin]

I’m in a situation with someone I adore who is not offering what I want. I seem to have become a late night booty call and the actual dates/ phone calls have stopped instead with a heavy reliance on messaging. I haven’t met friends or family after six months. He won’t add me to social media yet posts everyday and has hundreds of online friends.

I walked away a couple of months ago and was getting to a stage of acceptance despite being upset but then he chased me again with full on attention and time and the cycle restarted. I’m scared to lose him.

I want to do one last try. I’ve had the chat before and it hasn’t been acted on, if anything it has pushed him away. He is scared of commitment but I also feel he has possible feelings for a female friend. I want to try to discuss things without doing the whole “you do xxxx” thing which makes him defensive. I think I need to hear him say he won’t offer anything in order to walk away.

I'm so sorry that you've ended up in such a futile situation OP.

There's nothing you can do or say that will change his action and attitude towards you. Your focus on him is draining you of any sense of who you are. Please, turn away from him. Stop contact. Stop responding. Separate yourself and your thoughts from him. It is so hard to do, and it takes a huge amount of effort. Distract yourself with anything and everything - gardening, cooking, arc welding, jigsaw puzzles... !! Make plans for yourself and your children for a wonderful summer ahead.

Put this man behind you, put him in the past and keep looking forward.

This relationship is all due to your fear of loss. You're actually still scared of loss, so you have fallen in love with somebody you can't have.

It's called passive commitmentphobia.

Anyway, you're now completely infatuated with him and I know how bad this feels because I have been there! He consumes your every thought, you've forgotten your own opinions and likes/dislikes, you see everything through a lens of Him, everything to do with him seems exciting, glamorous and mysterious...

God, it's a fucker.

The only cure is going cold turkey. The good news is, it'll only take about 3-4 weeks of complete cold turkey for you to emerge from this awful, dark and lonely, one-sided obsession.

The bad news is, it's going to take every ounce of strength you possess to go cold turkey on him! I know how much you want to hope and believe that it could all work out.

Please don't send him an explanation text - you're not trying to end it, you're just trying to make him change his behaviour.

He KNOWS what he should be doing.

He KNOWS that couples see each other at weekends.

He KNOWS you want more than you're getting.

He just can't be arsed to give you what you want because he doesn't want it.

The very very best thing you can do right now is (sickeningly) the hardest: block all forms of contacting him, delete all his messages, book-wash or chuck out anything that has his scent on (clothes, etc) and sweat it out of your system.

Things that help:

1. anti-depressants adjust the chemicals in your brain that cause the feeling of obsession and heartbreak, so you'll naturally fall out of love with him.

2. New experiences, learning new things, or just bringing novelty into your world will give you a much-needed dopamine shot.

3. Time.

What’sgoingon, thank you. How did you make yourself walk away? It’s so hard because it’s the last thing I want to do.

Waste of time.

Oh dear your head is mashed! Been there myself and it really is like an addiction.
What helped me was imagining it from the POV of someone like him and imagining how little care or respect I would have for some man I only saw for a few hours. I imagined him cringing when he had to reply to my messages etc.
You are nothing to him. Believe me. Get free of this hopeless addiction and meet your equal.

I would be slightly concerned here that he's got someone else on the go, too.

Have you not met any of his friends at all? The fact that he won't add you on any social media is very worrying.

Regardless, it's been 6 months and he doesn't sound like a keeper. I hope you can find the strength to move on and find someone who's worth your time x

This is such a horrible way to feel. I’m in a similar place myself.
Definitely agree with pp that it’s an addiction and a very hard one to break. On paper it seems an easy choice to make because you’re not really getting anything out of this but emotionally it’s a lot more difficult.

I’m praying it’s true that time and no contact will heal it op.
You have to make yourself walk away or you’re just stuck in a vicious circle at your own expense.
Yes it’s easier said than done but there’s no other option, these guys know what they’re doing and how to do it. He won’t change

It sounds like he's using intermittent reinforcement for his own benefit. Google it, it's a powerful manipulative tactic.

It's hard giving up on someone but you obviously know this isn't going anywhere.

You want very different things - he's never going to give you what you want and while you're flogging this dead horse you are missing out on meeting that one who really wants to be with you.

There's someone (or many someones) out there who would fall over themselves to take you out and be proud to introduce you to his nearest and dearest.

Please don't waste anymore time on yer man - he's not for you and waiting in vain is just going to chip further at your confidence.

Block. It's hard but I think just go cold turkey. Call a friend. Go out and distract yourself. Have fun. Treat yourself. Do whatever to get over these early days and build your self-confidence. It will get better.

Honestly, being single and happy is so much better than clinging on to something miserable in the vain hope it'll get better. Enjoy your singledom. 🎉

Why are you accepting so little? It sounds like the most he does is reply to text messages, which is nothing in exchange for his booty calls.

You really need to question why you went back to him. He will never be the guy that is happy to show you off as his partner. Raise the bar for yourself and walk away. It will hurt, but staying in a relationship where you are being so obviously used will hurt far more long term.

It hurts like hell but it’s only going to get worse as you say. My confidence is wrecked.

Oh I have been here.
As others have said....You need to just ghost him.... now! No “I’ve just got to say my piece”..... he doesn’t give a shit!
Trust me, I let a man do this to me for 2 years. I was besotted with him. And apart from the first 3 or 4 months I was only ever a shag and nothing more!
What will hurt you more is if you hang on and then hear from a friend of a friend or social media that he’s loved up with someone else and that new woman is worthy of dates, meeting family/friends and updating his social media status to “in a relationship” when you weren’t!
I’m married now to a lovely man but it still makes me feel really awful when I think back to that time. I’m still embarrassed I had so little respect for myself.
Block him on everything.Be single. Concentrate on you. You are worth so much more than this!

I could have written your post op but with the additional factor of us both working together.... The advice you've received is spot-on but as I'm more than aware myself oh so hard to follow. I'm 18 months in and should have finished things a year ago. I don't know what's the matter with me...currently rationalising it with it's better than not having anything at all...Shit but my situation is complicated. Anyhow, it sounds like you have some inner strength here having left the relationship before and have everything to be hopeful for once you dump this waste of space.

I’ve had the chat before and it hasn’t been acted on, if anything it has pushed him away.

And it'll do so again. Walk away and ghost him as a pp said. That's the win win option as either he'll realise what he's losing and run after you, or you'll be able to break yourself of your addiction to him and move on.

Rhodes, that’s my biggest fear and the thing that keeps me going back. I keep thinking I can change myself/ change the situation so that I become the person he wants to settle with. How did you get over these feelings?

Diege, I keep going back to thinking I’d rather have a little bit of him than none but know that’s my battered self esteem talking.

I think the fear of loss thing is what's driving it for me, and for you sadly. Then you look at the situation objectively and think what is it I'm actually fearful of losing? But still can't leave . There will come a point where you'll say 'enough', as will I, but what a waste in the meantime and how miserable you must be feeling.

I keep thinking I can change myself/ change the situation so that I become the person he wants to settle with.

No, no, no! Can't you see how mad a way to look at it this is? Rewrite it:

'I keep thinking I can change myself/ change the situation so that I become the person a very selfish, quite manipulative and not very honest man wants to settle with'.

Forget how he feels, how you feel. What you are SEEING is the way this person is treating you. It's not nice. It wouldn't be nice whoever you were. He's showing you that he has some very, very unpleasant character traits. It's not about you 'not being good enough' it's about him not being nice enough or good enough to treat a partner well, or to be honest (and that includes saying sorry it's not working for me if you're not right for him!). He's a nasty little user. THAT is the problem. No you should not want to jump through hoops to be 'chosen' - it probably wouldn't change much - he's a player and he'd still be that same person.

You deserve to be loved. Tell yourself this until you believe it.

Gawd. I've been there too OP. I wasted 2 years on him. Someone has said upthread that with the benefit of hindsight they feel embarrassed about how little self respect they had. That's exactly how I feel too.
I know it's addictive and the highs when he reels you back in each time make you think you are so close to figuring out what you need to do to make him love you but - trust me - there is nothing you can do or say to change your relationship into what you want.
Don't have your final say, that's not about getting things off your chest, that's another attempt to shock him into a commitment to you. It's just prolonging the agony.
Delete everything and ghost him. It will hurt like hell for about a month then it will start to get better. Then you can move on to find the man you deserve.

Can you imagine how shit your life would be with this man? Knowing how much emotional abuse you will put up with? How desperate you are? You would never know where he was, who hr was with, you'd be kept isolated & tossed a few crumbs of attention to keep you in play.
Ask how I know. So gather up your dignity and step away. Find things to enjoy and a decent man who will treat you with respect and commitment - but first respect yourself.

OP I have been there and I made the decision 2 days ago that I couldn't carry on with it anymore. I was literally infatuated with him but knew he didn't want more but was hanging around hoping he'd change, I realised that wasn't going to happen. If he wanted to be with me he would. Plus I was just an option to him, nothing special. I was constantly stalking his SM until I saw something I didn't like and it woke me up and realised I DESERVED BETTER. So I deleted him from everything and blocked him on everything.... whilst sobbing my heart out but I knew it was for the best. But I actually felt relief less anxious. It's only 2 days but feel like I can move on properly now. So if you have that voice in your head telling you to let go.... listen to it

As Itsjustmarley said, so perfectly, if he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. No question. If you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to have a relationship with you then you know it. They want to spend time with you, go out, meet family and friends together, be a couple. None of that is weird - that’s what couples who want to be together do. If that’s not happening it’s because he doesn’t want to be in a couple with you. Block him and blank him. Life is too short to let someone treat you badly,

You are not on his social media. You have to pre-arrange when to call. Totally sounds like he's married to me. It means nothing that you've been to his house. Some men are that brazen/risky. Can you turn up on his door step at any time, without pre-arranging? That would be a better measure of whether he has another woman. How often are you having sex? Unless it's twice/three times a week, who do you think is plugging the gaps?

Walk away. All this head space you are giving him is taking away from your children.