Fed up of asking for commitment and time

[Youredoingmyheadin]

I’m in a situation with someone I adore who is not offering what I want. I seem to have become a late night booty call and the actual dates/ phone calls have stopped instead with a heavy reliance on messaging. I haven’t met friends or family after six months. He won’t add me to social media yet posts everyday and has hundreds of online friends.

I walked away a couple of months ago and was getting to a stage of acceptance despite being upset but then he chased me again with full on attention and time and the cycle restarted. I’m scared to lose him.

I want to do one last try. I’ve had the chat before and it hasn’t been acted on, if anything it has pushed him away. He is scared of commitment but I also feel he has possible feelings for a female friend. I want to try to discuss things without doing the whole “you do xxxx” thing which makes him defensive. I think I need to hear him say he won’t offer anything in order to walk away.

Op you are worth so much more than this...

I’m very anxious about life without him

You've already spent most of your life without this guy in it, you will be OK this time

In the cold harsh light of day without your rose-tinted specs on, you'll realise he isn't that special

Have a look on the Baggage Reclaim website; it really helped me

No, OP! You are humiliating yourself for some knobhead who doesn't want anything from you but casual sex. Please don't humiliate yourself any further by continuing with this, I promise you will look back on this time and wish that you had cut this whole thing dead. Get rid of him immediately for your own self preservation.

Am I over reacting over the social media thing? I know being added would allow me to know far more about his whereabouts and activities/friendships than he wants me to be aware of. It feels wrong. If there’s nothing to hide, surely I should be added. I feel deliberately hidden.

I feel deliberately hidden.

Because you are...?

This guy's making everything crystal clear to you, but you seem to be trying to find a way to make it his fault that you won't take him at his word.

Have you heard of the concept of radical acceptance? It says that humans cause themselves massive pain by insisting upon arguing against plain reality. You'd save yourself a lot of pain if you'd accept the very obvious reality here - he's not into you - he doesn't want to make you his partner - he doesn't care for you very much.

You can't argue him out of those things.

So walk away.

Prize oik, you're right. At the end of the day his behaviour all boils down to the fact he doesn't want me as a partner.

I’ve woken up this morning with more clarity, it’s a beautiful blue sky for spring. I don’t see him on weekends, he’s busy doing his own thing. I can see myself spending my whole summer alone because he will be out doing hobbies and I won’t feel able to date anyone else because of him. I’m invisible in his life- I don’t meet anyone linked to him and often don’t know where he is or what he’s doing with his time (he is selective about what he tells me). I’m hidden from social media, god knows what being added would show but he isn’t comfortable with it. I’m not being taken out “properly” yet he had two nights out with different friends last week. I don’t buy all this being scared of getting hurt anymore, he is a typical strong alpha male type man. He knows what he wants I’m sure.

I’ve resolved to say how I feel about him and will make myself walk if I don’t get what I need. It frightens me, I think because he does care but not enough to progress things with me. I feel stupid and not sure how to explain what I want to him.

Relationships are supposed to build. Clearly yours is parked. I bet you almost always have sex when you see him. Sorry to be blunt, but you are just a booty call.
Some of my mates can be single while looking for the next relationship, some can't. He sounds like a can't type. He's with you until something better comes along and he is looking.

You are his side chick. None so blind as those who will not see.

If you speak to him about it he will say what you want to hear and nothing will change.

You know he doesn't want to be with you publically or take you to meet his friends.

Get rid of him and keep your pride.

Oh come on!

You're 'scared to lose' being in this absolutely miserable situation?

Look at this clearly. What you're scared of isn't 'losing him' - you are without him already. What you are scared of is closing the door on something that's currently your priority and having to reassess your life. Yep, that's scary! You're scared of taking a leap into the unknown - what next? dating? having a break from dating? embracing being single and doing something new with your time that focuses on YOU? Yep, that's scary.

BUT - these things may be scary but they are POSITIVE. They're 'don't fuck with me' stuff. They're honest things which are going to push you forward with your life instead of holding you back. Once you get going on them, you will feel great. Instead of miserable and on hold. You'll have your future and whether you enjoy life in your hands rather than someone else's.

And you won't be being made a fucking fool of any more. Hidden on social media? Can't fit you in at weekends so you can see yourself sitting alone for the summer while he has fun with his friends and the other women he's sniffing out looking for something better ?

This horrible little sneak is playing you like a fiddle. Too right you're 'completely involved' in his life via Skype/message - he knows full well how much lovely dovey fakey cakey effort he has to put in to keep his booty call, and he's got it exactly right - just enough intensity to make you think there's something there that's worth waiting for. Pah. He's good, I'll give him that.

Don't ask for a conversation to explain. He knows every word you're going to say! He KNOWS what he's doing. He WANTS to treat you like this. Talk straight to him. 'Thanks but I'm done. I've waited long enough, given you a good amount of time to show that this is more than you playing me, and I can see that it's not. Sve your breath, I'm done, I don't intend to be anyone's 'fine for now'.'

I feel stupid and not sure how to explain what I want to him.

Please don’t humiliate yourself by engaging in further discussion. You are wasting your valuable time trying to come up with words to effect some miraculous change in him. It won’t happen.

Decide to put your energy into yourself. Not him.

I agree ..please do not put yourself through asking for something that should be freely given. Do not put yourself through that. Walk away with your dignity intact and your recovery will be much quicker. When you meet the right guy he will want to spend weekends with you..go to the cinema with you..This guy is like a drug . The constant withdrawal and coming back for more is making you anxious. Walk away with your head up. Cut all contact. It will be painful but worth it. Do not discuss it with him as you are only letting yourself down. Just say this isn't working for me. You will be making the decision which will help you.

I suspect he's got a bunch of women on the go, all at his beck and call for sex. Hope you are taking precautions for STIs.

Find your dignity and self worth and delete this guy from your life.

not sure how to explain what I want to him

You don't need to, it's obvious. That said, I'm guessing that because he's got you all twisted up psychologically, you don't feel able to speak truthfully to him and you probably feel confused too. (This is normal in your situation.)

I think you should end it. It's going to hurt but, overall, it will never hurt less than now. Rip the plaster off. Message him a brief message and block him.

Eg: "Hi bf. Sorry to write that this really isn't working for me so think it's time to call it a day. Good luck with everything! X"

Then block.

Then treat yourself to something lovely and start practising loving and being kind to yourself, because you're worth it.

Apologies. This wording is better:

"Hi bf. Sorry to write that this really isn't working for me so I'm calling it a day. Good luck with everything!"

This is more assertive so leaves him less wriggle room.

"I'm scared to lose him" ...I don't think you ever had him OP, sorry. You need to block him and move on.

I’m scared to lose him.

OP you don't HAVE him now. I doubt you ever will. You are a booty call. Sorry.

He doesn't see you at weekends, only for a few hours in the week. Oh lovey, wake up to the fact you're his booty call and nothing more. Of course he will want it to carry on - he's getting sex with no effort, and is able to spend weekends cruising for someone better. Have some self respect and save your love and energy for someone worth it. Just block his number and see how much effort he puts into contacting you.....

Cross post with mum with the same sentiment. I feel we are both correct.

Thank you for all the supportive messages, it has helped. I have realised if I don’t put a stop to this situation, I’ll still be here alone at Christmas wondering what is going on with us. I’ve never felt properly listened to but I want to say my piece before I end it. I need to lay it al on the line then walk away. I realise reading back my texts that I allow discussions to go so far about what I want and then I back off for fear of things ending. I’m always on egg shells worrying about how to make myself ‘right’ for him as if it’s something I’m doing wrong that is creating this dynamic between us.

In essence I’m there for sex when it fits in with his plans or he is in the mood (I travel to him as easier to avoid my children asking questions), am there to chat with when it suits him, don’t hassle him in between while he does his own thing, don’t meet his friends/family, don’t know about his life other than what he chooses to share.

I really wanted this to work, the man he is when I’m with him is someone I care about deeply.

... but I want to say my piece before I end it.

If only you could see that this is just another hopeless bid for his attention.

Don't say a thing! Just ghost the fucker! Block and be vague, act as if it's petered out (which it has from his perspective anyway by the sound of it). Any dramatic final speech will just make you look needy. You deserve better. He really doesn't deserve another word. If you can't bear to ghost just ignore and if challenged just say you've been busy so haven't been checking phone.

He sounds like a silly little boy playing games. I've been where you are before and it's shit. I have anxiety and (nobody beat me for saying this, it's just something that stuck in my head from a therapist) once was told that a lot of this is rooted in a need to control situations, when I can't it begins to frustrate me, worry me and generally become my all - do you think the same could maybe be said here? The full time reality of him would likely not be half as good as the brief windows you get now. You're going to need to stay very busy to distract yourself, but it will be so worth it for you to mentally move on from his games. You can do this!

Getoff, I think it is very much linked to needing to control what is happening. I lost my parents at a young age to cancer and then the dad of my oldest son in an accident when he was a baby. I’m very scared of losing people despite counselling. However before I met this man, I had done a fantastic job of raising my self esteem and met him at a really high and happy point in my life. I’ve lost so much of the progress I’ve made.

Maybe if I was in a proper relationship, I’d realise that he isn’t as I think he is. When I do see him there’s a big flirtatious build up followed by a few hours of intense attention which feels wonderful followed by an obvious emotional withdrawal from me.

I don’t want the moon on a stick, just to go to bed at night and know where I stand with someone. To be able to pick up the phone when I want without pre arranging a call. To go out and do things together, have fun.