Relationship with wife not going well

[OhNoNinkyNonk]

After some advice. I have posted before, had both advice and constructive criticism that I took on board. Things seemed better for a while but recently dipping again.

DW and I have been together for for 7 years, married for 4. We have one DC 18 months.

Since DC arrived things were tough, but as expected. Intimacy was difficult due to exhaustion, always busy etc not much can be done about any of that. Over time though as things have improved day-to-day our intimacy hasn't. By intimacy I mean any kind or regular stuff, kissing, cuddling etc (sex isn't as often as I would like but I have much higher drive than DW)

I'm worried we are drifting apart, it's like we just live together. The only conversation I get from DW is complaining about something or saying she wants to spend money on something and I am now being criticised for not showing much enthusiasm. I am trying but just feel dragged down by all the negativity, the lack of contentment unless spending money. We have limited chances for date nights, so I have tried suggesting getting a film or a box set...just something to enjoy together in the evenings but I don't see much interest. By the time DS is in bed she just wants to sit alone every night. If I go off and do something else in the evening she gets upset that I'm not with her?!

We have been having sex once every 2-3 months since DS was born. She says she enjoys it but I have my doubts, participation is very minimal. Most upsetting is that in between these times, especially last 6 months she has barely come near me, I have tried to make the effort to be intimate but I just feel like I am giving up as it's very one sided. It's like the sex is happening to keep me quiet for a while.

I have felt really down about all this recently, it's obviously starting to show as DW has noticed. Based on experience trying to talk ends up in an argument and I am made to feel selfish or the bad guy for wanting some kind of physical contact with my wife. She has told me that's just not who she is, she can't be bothered, I shouldn't ask her to change, she can quite happily go without etc.

Maybe it's me I really don't know, can't keep going on like this as it's killing our marriage...is it normal to struggle this much and it just needs time?

How much wifework does she have? You’re talking about intimacy and sex, but what about all of the other things that make up daily life?

OK, your wife has been very clear - she is not interested in a sexual relationship with you at the moment, and she cannot make assurances to you that that will change in the future.

You say that you don't want sex to feel like something she has to do to "keep you quiet". And you are looking for the magic way to make her actually want to be intimate with you - but it always "ends in a fight".

Stop pressuring your wife for sex. You know she doesn't want it, and you can't make her. Your options are :
A) take sex off the table for now. Work on your relationship in other ways - help look after your kids together, support each other and have fun together. Wait for her to initiate intimacy - and accept that that may never happen.
B) End your relationship
C) talk to your wife about getting your sexual needs met outside of the marriage.

But there isn't a magic way to make her want sex.

DW Works 3 days a week. 2 days with DC. I WFH 5 days and out for meetings occasionally. I try and do jobs round house when I am at home and work isn't too busy. In terms of evenings I do cooking and washing up, bath time and put to bed. If DC wakes between his bed time and us going to bed I usually see to him. We alternate nursery runs, we alternate getting up in the night for DC. I do most of dog walking. I handle all the finances, food shopping is done online but we work meal plan out together. DS has activity on Saturday morning which we alternate.

DW looks after DC more than me which I know can be exhausting and would never doubt that's a lot. I try to spend as much time with DC at the weekend as possible.

Sorry if I haven't thought of anything obvious above, thanks for replying

Hi wolves, see what you mean, I haven't pressured her for sex at any point. I think that's controlling and needy, would much rather it happened naturally. When we do have sex it is naturally and not due to any one party. To be honest it's the day to day lack of any intimacy that gets me down, I'm not just saying this but it's isn't the lack of sex that I was asking for help on...more how to improve the day to day stuff. I don't think I articulated that well in OP so see where you are coming from.

The "keeping quiet" thing is probably just me being paranoid, just as there a big gaps between us having sex I get paranoid and question it

Did your wifes lack of interest begin before or after your son being born?
I agree with the suggestions above except option c unless your wife has indicated she wants an open marriage option c is a sure fire wsy of fast forwarding to option b.

If this has only come about since ds Id suggest patience or marriage counselling putting pressure on her will just make her want you less.

Do you think she is happy in the relationship? I’m sure my DP could write exactly the same about me that you have about your dw. My relationship is definitely not where it should be at the moment but talking usually ends up in a massive row so I just don’t bother anymore. Like you we are housemates not friends/lovers. Maybe you should ask her outright if she’s happy in the relationship and what needs to change to make her happy.

Maybe ask her how she feels about herself. She may not feel like a sexual person any more which can happen.

I would be Option A or Option B, stay and try or end it. Option C wouldn't even cross my mind. The lack of interest began as soon as she got pregnant I think, we didn't touch really for 12 months after that, not complaining she was carrying our child. Obviously early months after birth neither of were interested, but as time went on I gave it time thinking exhaustion/breast feeding were taking toll on her. Then gave time until DC slept through a few months ago. Im trying to be patient, I really am! I have tried giving her space and trying to show more affection, neither made much difference.

I looked into counselling a while ago and not sure we can afford it at the moment, but certainly considered it.

Very keen to point out, sex is important to me but this is more about general intimacy and relationship, and how to improve it. Is it normal, have others been through this, did they try anything to help. If I gave the impression I am just after more sex then I apologise!

I would say that she is resentful of something and that may be she cannot express it in any other way

Has she expressed dissatisfaction before and were here concerns heard and acted upon? Or is every thing falling a bit on deaf ears may be?

Your child is still fairly young tbh and will be requiring a lot of emotional attention and energy. This can leave many women feeling drained and not at all sexy. It really does take a long time for alot of womens sex drives to recover after having children. Obviously this is not true of ALL women but it very very common. I love my husband very much but for the first year or so of our sons life I did not want to know physically. Just from being incredibly drained. Three years on and altho its not what it was before the baby our sex life has improved and we have sex at least once a week, sometimes more if he has time off work and we are both getting a bit more sleep.

It is a long long road sometimes unfortunately and only you know if you think that there is something to be salvaged. If you do still love her and think that she loves you id just keep being patient for the time being and try not to put too much pressure on her... that may leave her feeling even less sexy. Just try and be as kind as you can and try and help her to get rest... for me rest was key! and occassional time to herself without the baby which could help get her feeling more like the woman she was/is and not just someones mother.
I mean you say the baby has only recently just started sleeping through the night? Then its actually very early days in terms of recovering some of the energy that has been lost in the last couple of years. You may well see some improvement in intimacy after a good few month of actual whole nights asleep!

I mean I dont know what will happen for you but my suggestion would be to just try and be patient about it for a bit longer and not add pressure. If you really do want things to improve here and dont just want to leave. Because although it may seem like a long time it actually is still early days as your child is still very young. It is quite common for things between couples to not have got back on track at this point sadly.

18 months is still a massively demanding age for a child op!

It's so difficult because I think dad's typically have got used to this one person, their wife, meeting all their emotional and physical needs - and then when wife has to redirect her energy to a new little person, the dad feels left out in the cold. It's an unfortunate part of the human reproductive cycle...

She sounds exhausted and depressed, and like she's trying to carve out what little space she can in her life for a feeling that no one is demanding anything from her. I've been there. I have a VERY high sex drive, but even I, at that stage of DCs life, was absolutely wrung out.

In my case, my ex was panicked by the reduction in attention from me and became more and more anxious and eventually controlling/ possessive / suspicious. It was really painful.

At the root of it all, op, is a difficult truth that men usually don't anticipate the fact that when children arrive, they suck most of the energy out of the partners, and for men who generally grow to expect women to attend to them, that can be hard to take. I don't think your wife has much energy to give you at present. It's not your fault or hers, it just is.

My advice is, pursue your own interests as much as you can, but involve DC in them. Take him for long walks, get him out in nature, really focus on him. Invest emotional energy in him and reap the rewards of that. Take accountability for him, his emotional development, his social life. Make friends with other families / dads, plan his wardrobe, shop for his bits and pieces, plan parties - take on some wife work/ mumwork. Not just the tasks - the headspace.

A corollary of that though is, make it easy for your wife to pursue her own interests as well. Give her space to remember who she is and recover a bit of the energy she is ceaselessly giving to your DC. Encourage her friendships, help her get out of the house.

The key is, don't focus on encouraging her to be intimate with you. I know that's hard to hear and maybe counterintuitive. But in the nicest way, be aware that men usually have no idea how much they demand, emotionally, of women. One of the reasons my ex and I had to split is because he became obsessed with how I didn't "seem" happy enough, didn't "seem" to want to have sex etc... Basically what he was saying was, ffs why can't you perform the role of a happy wife so that I can feel good about myself? Why do you have to have feelings all the time... It was exhausting and, emotionally, backbreaking work to keep myself "seeming" the way he required me to be, in order to boost his ego and make him feel safe in the relationship. All I wanted was to be seen and heard for who I really was during a massively challenging time in my life. I had no energy to perform for him. And he hated me for it.

Getting space to be with friends, go to nice exercise classes, have a coffee in a pretty setting by myself, with no curfew and without a million texts asking where obvious item XYZ was, would have helped so.much.

Also understand this... Don't do things for your wife in order to get a result. She is not going to give you a result, and she will know you're only being good to her because you want something back from her. She's going to be exhausted ans drained for years yet. Your goal here is just to support her. Until she recovers. She can't perform for you right now. If you don't support her now, when/if she does recover, she will know you were not on her side when she was low. And that will probably permanently destabilize the relationship

I got sick of the sight of DH when he worked from home.

One observation you may care to consider is that more women than you might expect really just go off sex after having a baby.
The reality for a new mum, especially if she's had a tough time giving birth is that intimacy has no real physical consequences if you're male whereas the consequences if you're female are totally overwhelming.
It can be bloody annoying (as a woman), to constantly bat away the physical closeness that most men seem to crave. Knowing that most physical closeness will lead to doing the deed rather than just being together and feeling close to each other gives us the dread in certain circumstances. Knowing that its yet another duty to perform when all you want is to sleep can give us the rage and store up feelings of resentment that can build up over time to dangerous levels.
Mothers of young children end up 'touched out', by the demands of babies, the demands of children, the demands of everyone really. And that's probably why she's shifted her focus to spending money.
You can get exactly the same emotional hit from buying stuff as you can from sex, according to some studies...with none of the sleep deprivation, body dysmorphia or whining spouses wanting their piece of flesh.
Indeed, some people would rather go shopping anyway!
So, what to do? Well, I'd start by putting your needs on the back burner for now and try responding to your wife with love, care, respect and non threatening affection.
It really isn't all about you and your entitlements you know!
Take some of the load from her shoulders and remember she's working seven days a week in reality.....not the three you claim she is.
That might be a start.

Agree with prize oik. Similar experience except instead of controlling behaviour resentment developed on both sides. It can take a long time especially if like me she had a traumatic delivery experience the body and mind recovers to take care of day to day things but not underlying issues you just end up in a constant state of firefighting work child and house chores with no time for anything else. Maybe a weekend away just the two of you when your son is older might help. Interestingly there was an interview with the snger pink in the paper this weekend online where she talks about not having sex at all with her husband for over a year after each of their kids where born and how society expects women to just jump back up and on it straight away. There where over 300 comments underneath from women saying thanks for speaking out....

If she is willing counselling is available on the nhs covering loss of libido as is support for depression if and thats a big if depression is at play.

Alternatively depending on where you work some employers have an employee assistance programme that offers access to counselling at no charge and your employer is not informed. Relate over counselling at a low rate to low earners as well as training therapy centres which offer family therepy at low/no charge by final year post grads.
Have a look on the help pages here which may be able to direct you to help lines for accessing such services in your area.

I was your wife for years after DC was born, it was just as though the side of me that wanted any sort of physical intimacy (sexual or otherwise) got switched off. I still don't know why, pretty sure the contraceptive pill played a big part in my libido dying but don't know if that explains the intimacy/affection side of it, maybe it's hard to feel intimate/affectionate about your partner when you don't have that sexual connection, I'm not sure.

I can't tell you how to fix it (my DH tried pretty much everything!) but, for me at least, it did improve eventually. Coming off the pill helped immensely, my sex drive came back and that does seem to have improved intimacy and affection generally, obviously I've no idea whether this is relevant to your DW.

I can only advise you to talk to her again, calmly and quietly and with the focus on the lack of affection and connection between you and how lonely and sad it makes you feel that you seem to have lost that as a couple. I'm mortified now that I made my DH feel like that but he's really bad at expressing his feelings and all I 'heard' when he tried was 'I'm not getting enough sex' even though that's not what he meant. You sound fairly articulate though so maybe you'll have more success!

There could of course be more deep seated reasons why she's withdrawn from you, again I don't know enough to comment, but it certainly sounds like she's behaving the same way I did. I hope you can get to the bottom of why and that things start to improve.

So, how much time does your wife get on her own or with friends in a normal week? Say, going to the cinema, meeting up for coffee or going for a swim? How does it work with you WFH on the days she is home, do other mums visit for coffee, does she take your DC out to the park / activities / meet-ups? If you live in a small house, does she need to keep DC quiet while you are on conference calls etc.

Wow so many replies! Thank you all for taking the time! Will try my best to answer everything

I think the thing I want to start with, is I really don't feel I am putting any pressure on DW for any sort of intimacy. After one of our last talks we did agree to make more effort to just sit together in the evenings, cuddle a bit, talk more. For a while this was happening and it was great and we were both very happy, sex wasn't even part of this, just trying to reconnect. But then after a few weeks it started to wane again, and we are now back to where we were. I just go with giving space as I don't want her to feel pressured. A lot of the replies hovering around me wanting more sex, not the case.

DW has not had a single advance to bat away, no begging or whining, we just go about our days. Whilst I see where the PP might be coming from about putting my needs on back burner or being a bit entitled...I haven't requested anything of DW apart from a bit more effort in day to day intimacy (not sex)

I would say DC has been sleeping through regularly for about 8/9 months now.

No contraception in last 2/3 years at all

If I have implied that DW works 3 days a week and then has the rest of the week off then that was not intended. I have no doubt that the 2 weekdays are very hard even if I am at home. Weekend we are all together but still hard, I do get that. I'm fully involved with DC in evenings and at weekend, i do more than DW handling any wake ups at night, I do my fair share around the house.

Working from home, I am in a separate room at the back of the house, no need to keep the noise down. I have always started late every day so DW could go for a shower and get ready for the day. Usually this would make me 45/60 min late for work which means I have very little lunch breaks. I have always done my best to take DC if needed, do my best to finish on time/early so I can take over.

I have encouraged DW to have some more time to herself. Recently suggested she head into town, get a magazine or take a book and just sit in the coffee shop for a few hours. Didn't seem interested.

DW doesn't have many friends to be bluntly honest, not saying this in a callous way at all, I guess you would say she is a bit introverted? The few friends she does have all have kids, she sees them a few times a year now. She has one friend from NCT she sees once a week and they usually go to soft play or the park. There was a chance for a night out tonight but she didn't feel like it, which is fine of course she doesn't have to go. I just mean DW could go out any night or weekend she wanted to, on her own or with whoever, she just doesn't want to. I'm fine taking DC without needing to ask where things are or what to do, aside from picking outfits I'm banned from that. She has talked about joining fitness classes and I was very supportive, thought it would be great for her to get out and make some new friends and feel better about herself but hasn't happened as yet.

OP, I could have written this 3yrs ago! After our 2nd DC my ex changed completely and all affection stopped pretty much. We would knock along like most couples but there was no intamacy on her part and no desire to either. After 3yrs of misery, rejection and getting nothing back off her I'd reached my limit. Like you I did more than my share of the chores and gave her down time by taking my kids on my own. Even after they went to school she was still completely uninterested in making an effort. I think you have to accept that sometimes people change, for whatever reason and getting that intamacy back is very hard...and sometimes impossible. Worst thing to do is "stick it out for the kids" and you will slowly go insane. Now that we are separated we are both much happier, still good friends of a soft and a better parenting team. It can be better if you're willing to make the hard choices...god luck.

Your wife is exhausted. She has a million and one things to think about/worry about that probably never even cross your radar. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't have the energy right now. You have a very small child..they, inevitably, will consume most of your wife's time and resources for the foreseeable future. Children are hard, sometimes mentally draining work, even when you adore them. She will also have lost her own identity as a human being a bit, and may be struggling with that a bit. It's very difficult for you both, I know..but you are in the very early days of a major life change. Give her some space, and time. Focus on affection without the pressure of it having to lead to sex (this is very off putting - we aren't stupid, we know that is what you are doing). Things will get better, but you are going to have to be patient and realise that things will be a bit different, but can be just as good. Remember the woman you fell in love with, she is still there, just a bit snowed under right now. I say this 28 years married, two children, been through some really good times, and some bloody awful times, but happier than we have ever been. All the hard work is worth it in the end.

Even simple touching/cuddling can be a lot to ask if you have young children pawing at you all day. I once read that at this stage, couples tend to sleep facing away from each other because they need the physical space.

It sounds like you are being a really supportive husband, and incredibly hands on as a parent. Well done. Parenthood is tough for dad's as well as mum's, and you sound like you work well as a team in this regard. In terms of the intimacy you describe, I can totally relate to it. I gave birth almost a year ago, and I really have lost interest in the intimate side of our relationship. As you describe, this is much more than sex. We don't cuddle or kiss or hold hands like we used to, and I simply don't feel like doing those things anymore. Before the baby I think my husband got fed up of me always wanting him to show more affection as I gave it to him in bucketloads! Sometimes I think the change is because I don't want my husband to think it might lead to sex, but mainly I think it just doesn't feel natural anymore and I don't feel like doing it. I can't explain it, but it doesn't mean I don't love my husband or not want to stay married to him. In fact I'm ready to start thinking about our next child. But for some reason our relationship has lost this connection. I could put it down to hormones, tiredness etc, but I don't know if that is still a genuine excuse now after giving birth so long ago. I think I've just forgotten how to do it and it feels uncomfortable when we do. Sex is not enjoyable for me now for some reason, and I just feel so much love for my baby, I think maybe there just isn't enough left over for him. Anyway the reason I'm telling you this is that you are not alone. And I'm sure your wife feels guilty about the change in your relationship. One thing I think does help is when we have been out for dinner together without the baby. This has only happened once or twice, but does help me to feel more like my old self. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice than this, but if you try to think of some of the things you used to enjoy doing together, then maybe you can recapture some of the old intimacy you had. Also if all else fails, a few glasses of wine usually help me relax and feel more in the mood!

Why does every mans post always boil down to sex 🙄 you could write a post about how you're not enjoying work and it'll turn into 'And my wife doesn't want sex'. Get over it.

One thing caught my attention. You say you handle all the finances. You say she only talks when she wants to buy something. Answer truthfully here!! Are you controling all the money decisions? Why has she to discuss it with you before buying stuff which l presume is not a new car but probably stuff for the kids and for the home? Does she have her own access to money and the freedom to spend it within reason? One big big turn off is meanness in a man and l wouldn't want sex with a man who watched my spending and made a fuss over little things. Just a thought!

Sometimes we can feel what I call being touched out.
When you have a baby / toddler on you all day. For a cuddle , climbing and sitting on you , you just don't want anything or one touching you at the end of the day. Even the dog cuddling up is too much. You just want personal space.
This is understandable but hard on the other half.
From what you say you're not just missing the sex but the cuddle on the sofa. The odd kiss, cuddle or just a look or sign of affection.
What can happen that when your tired or just touched out it can feel repulsive to hug someone else.
Or it could be that she may feel that any touch may be interpreted as a sign to lead to sex.
Some women struggle with sub consciously working out or putting into boxes the love they feel for their child and the love they feel for their partner. They can feel that sexual feelings towards their partner is almost belittling or wrong as they feel love for their baby. It's hard to explain but it is a psychological difficulty.
Mix that in with tiredness and it all goes pear shaped.
You need to talk to your partner not about sex but about how you and her can show affection. Tell her you miss the cuddles , the odd look of affection. Discuss how you can become more loving. That you're not after sex. If you can work out how to deal with the day to day affection then eventually the sex will follow naturally.
It will be slow and showing affection or having a cuddle or hug might be set up at first but over time it will become natural again. She will start to see the need for an odd hug and how nice it is.

I am going against the grain and will say your wife sounds suffocated. You work from home and she works part time so there is a lot of time you are in the same vicinity. You are in charge of the finances, you do the cooking etc. I was in a relationship like this and all I felt like saying was "leave me the f* alone".

Also, for some reason, you saying you take shorter lunch breaks annoyed the hell out of me. Parents (usually mothers) having been doing that for years and do not expect a medal for doing so.