Relationship with wife not going well

[OhNoNinkyNonk]

After some advice. I have posted before, had both advice and constructive criticism that I took on board. Things seemed better for a while but recently dipping again.

DW and I have been together for for 7 years, married for 4. We have one DC 18 months.

Since DC arrived things were tough, but as expected. Intimacy was difficult due to exhaustion, always busy etc not much can be done about any of that. Over time though as things have improved day-to-day our intimacy hasn't. By intimacy I mean any kind or regular stuff, kissing, cuddling etc (sex isn't as often as I would like but I have much higher drive than DW)

I'm worried we are drifting apart, it's like we just live together. The only conversation I get from DW is complaining about something or saying she wants to spend money on something and I am now being criticised for not showing much enthusiasm. I am trying but just feel dragged down by all the negativity, the lack of contentment unless spending money. We have limited chances for date nights, so I have tried suggesting getting a film or a box set...just something to enjoy together in the evenings but I don't see much interest. By the time DS is in bed she just wants to sit alone every night. If I go off and do something else in the evening she gets upset that I'm not with her?!

We have been having sex once every 2-3 months since DS was born. She says she enjoys it but I have my doubts, participation is very minimal. Most upsetting is that in between these times, especially last 6 months she has barely come near me, I have tried to make the effort to be intimate but I just feel like I am giving up as it's very one sided. It's like the sex is happening to keep me quiet for a while.

I have felt really down about all this recently, it's obviously starting to show as DW has noticed. Based on experience trying to talk ends up in an argument and I am made to feel selfish or the bad guy for wanting some kind of physical contact with my wife. She has told me that's just not who she is, she can't be bothered, I shouldn't ask her to change, she can quite happily go without etc.

Maybe it's me I really don't know, can't keep going on like this as it's killing our marriage...is it normal to struggle this much and it just needs time?

You sound like a really supportive partner. Could your wife be depressed? It sounds like she's lost interest in things that she would have formerly enjoyed, which can be an important sign. With an 18m kid I'd have definitely made the effort to see friends, especially if meet ups only happened a few times a year.

You sound like you’re really involved which is great. I can see you want your wife to be happy. Maybe you’re too good? Maybe you make her feel inadequate? I do this with my dh.
Does she respond badly to suggestions or reminders from you? sometimes it can be a little comment that sensitive people react very badly to and close off emotionally. Do you compliment her without being patronising on stuff she’s done? Do you acknowledge when you’re wrong? Do you laugh at yourself? When you do the cleaning up do you do it better than she does or better her efforts? I may be barking up the wrong tree completely!

The having to have shorter lunch breaks annoyed the hell out of me too. I hated my h working from home. I worked three days and he would talk as if I had two days off too.
He would also cook every night and expect to be highly appreciated every single time. Meanwhile what I didn't appear on his radar.
He also controlled most of the money.
TBH you sound like you don't like your wife very much and seem to think you do no wrong. I would love to hear her viewpoint.
Is she allowed a point of view? Do you listen to her and respect what she says/wants. You seem to be blaming her for the lack of intimacy.

Sorry to seem snappy, but maybe 2 or 3 times I have said this isn't about sex. If I hadn't mentioned sex someone would have asked about it sooner or later, tried not to drip feed.

When I said I do finances, I meant I sort all the bills. DW earns her own money, contributes to nursery fees and sorts her own mobile and car insurance, the rest is up to her. We split costs for clothes, toys etc for DC. She has her own account which I have no access too.

Shorter lunch breaks are due to taking DC each morning for 45-60 minutes so DW has plenty of time for a shower, make up, hair. I was trying to illustrate that I sacrifice any sort of lunch break to make the day a little easier for her. Not intended as 'look at poor me', in response to PP saying I should do more for her really. Also I'm in a separate room at back of the house, she won't see much of me in the day.

It's really important though that you understand that your need for intimacy - including non sexual - is probably a drain on her.

An 18 mo is a HUGE pull on a mother's intimate energy and time. Her body and mind is consumed by this little thing. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone that you're seeking and that is produced by sexual and non sexual touching, is being pulled out of her ceaselessly by your baby. She is wrung out. It's likely she has little to give.

You say she's not much for friends, is she introverted? If so, expect her to be 500x more exhausted and unable to engage with you, than you could even imagine. It is incredibly difficult, to the point of torture sometimes, for introverts to cope with the early years of parenting.

You're feeling put out that she isn't wanting to spend time being close to you etc. That's understandable.

But you also need to understand that she may not have anything to give you. Like, for years yet. Thems the breaks when it comes to having children.

There is also a good chance she will never return to the person you remember before kids. In fact, that's really likely. Get ready for that.

Does she need to be the person she was before kids, for you to feel she meets your needs? If so, in the nicest way, you need to accept you'll divorce then.

Nothing is static op. She isn't ever going to be a non mother. Ever again.

The first couple of years of parenting are a huge shock to the system. She sounds wiped out.

DH and I are ships passing most evenings but we always keep Friday nights as ‘date nights’, where we watch On,y Connect and The Last Leg, drink gin and do bad karaoke. It’s our thing. But the rest of the week we’re rarely in the same room at the same time.

We are quite a tactile couple, lots of hugs etc. But even now (our youngest is 6) I get touched out and need to be left alone. So I do get that.

Does she want to work on things? It does sound a bit like she’s depressed really, with th negativity and wanting to sit on her own.

What I could have done with ‘back then’ was a cleaner. Someone to do the dusting, the hoovering, the bathrooms, empty the bins, change the beds and iron.
I could have done with not having to cook 2-3 nights a week, and that includes not havig to plan anything either.

I could have done with a bit of ‘us’ time, a spontaneous trip to the theatre one evening, having a pre theatre meal and a baby sitter organised for me. Not often, once, twice a year?

I could have done with a lot more chatting about my job, politics, books etc, stuff that interest me.

I get all that now, from a different partner.