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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My best friend is cheating on her husband

71 replies

hollybatgirl · 23/03/2018 20:51

I need a bit of advice, my best friend of 20 years has been seeing other men behind her husband's back for the past 6 months. I was always close to her and her husband then she started going out drinking with new friends, maxing her credit cards out and not doing much with her kids. She thinks she can justify this by blaming her husband as he's suffered massively with depression (No surprise really) and lost his job, she says she's only staying with him for the kids and I feel totally stuck in the middle. I don't know if I should say something to her husband or just cut ties, I've already backed away from her. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 24/03/2018 02:16

I would talk to her, as a friend. Hoping she'd see sense, and work on either sorting her marriage out, or leaving. I would also make it 100% clear that I don't want to know the details of these affairs in fact don't want to hear anything at all about it.

I would still talk to my friend. But the involvement would go no further than the above. It's their marriage, you're not in the middle of it

Your comment about everyone being ok with cheating is silly. Telling her DH could worsen his depression. Your friend is married to and living with a depressed man, and that is no walk in the park. Not that it excuses her cheating but there are likely lots of details re the inner workings if their relationship that you do not know about.

There's also the point that for all you know - he already knows. & is turning a blind eye. You never can tell, I've heard of similar. By the way if you do tell him, are you going to aim to be involved in the fallout discussions?

Anyway if you are going to tell him you need to tread carefully that's all.

serialcheat · 24/03/2018 03:10

You answered your own question, cut ties.

The friendship or friend - ship, is about to sink.

You're not the captain, you are not obliged to go under and drown......

Observe from a distance.

Ditzyitzy · 24/03/2018 03:18

I haven’t got a single friend that wouldnt tell me I was being an absolute twat. Don’t tell her partner but you should make your feelings knows.

hollybatgirl · 24/03/2018 07:17

Yes she knows I know, she's told me in detail, I have texts from her with photos as evidence and she's on meet up sites for married people. It's not like it just happened eith some one she knows, she has planned it and with several blokes too.

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 24/03/2018 07:44

Well, I could not reconcile such behaviour with friendship, sorry.

In the interest of full disclosure, I found out I had been cheated on for several years and nobody had told me. It is fucking hideous.

iBiscuit · 24/03/2018 07:54

TBH I'd block people, family included, if they made comments about a "lack of time spent with family".

I might think someone isn't doing the right thing, but only a complete knob would use social media to express that opinion.

PinkAvocado · 24/03/2018 08:15

The fact that it is more than one man she is cheating with would make me even more sure telling him would be the right thing for me to do. If they were both my friends, my loyalty would lay with the one who could suddenly find themselves with chlamydia or far worse through no fault of their own.

hollybatgirl · 24/03/2018 09:59

Thanks guys, I really appreciate all your help and opinions. I've decided to talk to her about her cheating and reckless behaviour and see if she can put her family first and talk to her husband about her cheating. If she doesn't then I'll have to make it clear I don't want to be part of any of it even if it means an end to our friendship, which in turn should get alarm bells ringing with her husband so we shall see.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 24/03/2018 10:08

I'd tell him given you are friends with both but I'd give her the chance too first explaining that if she didn't I would.

Cricrichan · 24/03/2018 11:14

It sounds like she's going off the rails. Suddenly maxing out her cards etc. As her best friend hopefully you'll be able to get to the bottom of this and help her find a way to deal with it. It sounds like she feels trapped and lashing out or maybe hoping that she'll be caught and doesn't have to make the decision to leave.

Can you explain to her to think about what she's doing how she risks alienating her kids and friends and family and it would be in everybody's best interests to either split up or try and work through their issues.

iBiscuit · 24/03/2018 11:20

I agree, Cric. I think that's why the social media thing stuck out so much to me. It sounds like her relationship and homelife could be incredibly stifling.

certificateofauthenticity · 24/03/2018 12:24

bonnyshide exactly want you have said. Do not be complicit in any lies. If she was lying to you, you would not want to be her friend. She is not the friend you once knew and liked. Distance yourself from her. I do not think you should directly ' out ' her to her husband, but do not become collateral damage.

PerfectlyDone · 24/03/2018 12:40

If her recent behaviour is totally out of keeping with how she used to be, could she be unwell??
Excessive spending and risky sexual behaviour, risking her family life etc may just suggest hypomania/mania.

I don't accept any possible MH problems as an excuse for bad behaviour, but it may be a very valid explanation.

SciFiFan2015 · 24/03/2018 12:50

Be open and honest with both. Start with your friend, offer her your support and understanding but say that unless she tells her husband by a set date (maybe give her two weeks) you will tell her husband.

This way you are giving your friend the opportunity to do the right thing

This seems like an excellent idea to me - I'm sure someone else will help point out the flaws!

Good luck.

Cheeseandwin5 · 25/09/2018 01:04

I think if you didnt know her husband well and their kids it maybe easier to keep your distance. But you do and the fact is that your friend's behaviour is not only destructive to herself but to others too. She is meeting random strangers for sex. Passing on an STD to her husband, getting pregnant, her being attacked ? These are all things that could happen. What will you do then? I would give your friend the opporunity to stop and tell her husband. Otherwise I would tell him myself. Similar posts where the genders reversed, I never seen the messgaes of the people saying not to tell / to be supportive.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 03:30

That poor fucking bloke . I’ve been cheated on and it’s fucking hideous. If I were in your situation I’d tell him , she is wasting his life and risking his sexual health. You’re friend is a shit bag and when someone changes the “ t & c’s “ of a friendship so drastically I don’t think you owe them anything. I choose my friends because they have good moral fibre , if they start to behave immorally then that’s not a friendship I signed up for. Personally i’d say “I don’t agree with what your doing , you’re putting me in an awkward position by sending me these texts (detailing her cheating ) so either be honest to your H or next week I’ll be telling him.” No one is forced to stay with anyone at the end of day , she is literally wasting his life and I’m enraged on his behalf! Do the right thing and let him find someone decent ffs.

Santaclarita · 25/09/2018 06:11

Why does everyone always say 'stay out of it'? Would you like your friends to sit back and watch your partner cheat on you? Him being depressed isn't justification, if anything it makes it worse. She should be supporting him, not fucking other guys. Some wife she is.

bigchris · 25/09/2018 06:57

This thread started in March wonder what happened

Charlie97 · 25/09/2018 07:05

@SoupDragon

No one knows what goes on, or is said, behind closed doors.

Said no one on a cheating Male thread ever.

^^this

When a man cheats, it's because he's a greedy bastard that wants his cake and eat it!
When a woman cheats is because her husband drove her to it, some people saying by suffering from depression.

Imagine if a woman was suffering from depression and her husband cheated, he would quite rightly be called every bastard under the sun. The woman would be told to be getting STIs, ducks in a row, screenshots etc. Her best friend would be told to tell her and help her do all that.

When it's a woman-cheating, why is it different? Why is it that you should stay out of it? Is it all about the womanhood and women can do no wrong? They've been driven to it by the evil men?

FFS there are good men, bad men,good women, bd women.

@hollybatgirl give her one eek to tell him, or do it yourself, he'll need to STI. He is and pack up her stuff in bags and put them outside for her.

SandyY2K · 25/09/2018 08:16

I'd back away from the both of them. In so far as you know her DH, do you think her affairs would be a dealbreaker for him? You said he adores her and I personally find men who adore their wives and put them on a pedestal can be foolishly forgiving. _I couldn't socialise with them knowing she was cheating... because if he finds out you knew...you appear complicit.

CallMeRachel · 25/09/2018 08:33

🧟‍♂️🧟‍♂️** Zombie thread from March!!! 👽👽

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