Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend is cheating on her husband

71 replies

hollybatgirl · 23/03/2018 20:51

I need a bit of advice, my best friend of 20 years has been seeing other men behind her husband's back for the past 6 months. I was always close to her and her husband then she started going out drinking with new friends, maxing her credit cards out and not doing much with her kids. She thinks she can justify this by blaming her husband as he's suffered massively with depression (No surprise really) and lost his job, she says she's only staying with him for the kids and I feel totally stuck in the middle. I don't know if I should say something to her husband or just cut ties, I've already backed away from her. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
starzig · 23/03/2018 21:43

If he has had depression perhaps it is not the best idea to be telling him. You don't want to be responsible for any repercussions

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/03/2018 21:45

Holly, whilst I understand your loyalty to your friend, he probably wouldn't thank you for the news. No one knows what goes on, or is said, behind closed doors.

PinkAvocado · 23/03/2018 21:47

I would say and I would want someone to tell me for the reason alone that I would want to be able to protect myself from a STD.

Original poster
hollybatgirl · 23/03/2018 21:49

And this is why I'm so confused at what to do, everyone has their own opinion and there all totally different. I think it's something that will have to be worked out between them. I have pushed him to get help for his depression and he now has a new job too do things are getting better for him. I will support him but I cannot even look her in the eye anymore

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 23/03/2018 21:50

It’s a horrible situation. An irreversible health complication as a result of her behaviour would be a worse one though. Althougg this is in no way any responsibility of yours, it is what would make me want to know and make me tell.

caringcarer · 23/03/2018 21:56

When my ex husband cheated on me a good friend of mine found out and came and told me. I still don't know long it had been going on. I was devastated but not angry with my friend who I could see was really upset. I was glad to be told. I would have been even more upset if he carried on living and sleeping with me whilst screwing around with OW. The knowledge allowed me to go and get STD test done and pack up ex husbands clothes into black bin bags which I put into garden and changed all locks on house. I rang him, told him I knew about affair and to collect his stuff from garden. He tried to deny it for several weeks but eventually admitted it. Tell him. If he is your friend don't let him to be the last person to find out.

DailyWailEatsSnails · 23/03/2018 21:57

He could even blame you, OP. Shoot the messenger, and all that. I would have minimal hope of staying friends with either of them, tbh. It must be so hurtful when you find out your friends knew you were being cheated on and let you live in ignorance. But this is a total lose lose situation no matter what you do.

Imagine she was your bestie & you barely knew him & you knew he was cheating. Would you still hesitate to tell her?

worstwitch18 · 23/03/2018 21:58

holly you can only do what you think is right.

If the situation was reversed, if your husband was having affairs and his mates knew, how would you feel and what would you want to happen?

Tough situation for you to be in.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2018 22:03

No one knows what goes on, or is said, behind closed doors.

Said no one on a cheating Male thread ever.

PerfectlyDone · 23/03/2018 22:03

Does she know you know?

If not, I'd point that out to her.
Tell her to stop and if she doesn't detach yourself from the whole sorry mess.

Or tell her to tell him, otherwise you will.

I think this is a situation in which a judgment is appropriate.
While serious MH problems are horrific and may be as hard on the spouse as on the sufferer, cheating is not part of the deal in a marriage (assuming they are not in an open relationship in which case he'd know anyway). What she is doing is not right and I'd judge.

Juells · 23/03/2018 22:07

*As someoe who was cheated on I was extremely upset that people who knew didn't tell me.

^^This. I was very upset to find out that so many people knew, and nobody told me. It takes away your choices when you don't know, you're being treated like a half-wit, or a child who has to be protected.

HermionesRightHook · 23/03/2018 22:07

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I can see why not telling him and backing away from the former friend on the 'stay out of it' principle is sensible. But I can also see why telling him would be a kindness, and might not result in the loss of his friendship, though probably hers.

I'd go with your gut on this one, tbh. From what you've said here I'd be inclined to say something on the grounds that I would like to know if it were me, but god knows how you do that gracefully.

I think she's put you in a really shitty position and for that alone I would be angry with her.

mummmy2017 · 23/03/2018 22:10

I have been on both sides of this... He knows.........
She is out all the time change of habits...
Just say out of it till he decides for himself what to do, right now your telling him could cause something nasty to happen and you don't need that.
You have no idea if this could all blow over as they both seem to want to parent as a family and your telling him you know might leave him with no options .

sparklepops123 · 23/03/2018 22:10

Keep out of it as much as you can. It will come to a head and if your in it ,you’ll be in it .

LadyTesticlee · 23/03/2018 22:15

tell her to stop? who the hell are you her mum? or i will tell your husband? as in blackmailing her?

If you are morally disgusted and disapprove tell her you don't approve of her cheating and cant be around her anymore or avoid her/cut contact.

it's not your life to ruin or interfere with. focus on your own.

PinkAvocado · 23/03/2018 22:16

Surely friends should ‘interfere’ if there is a real possibility harm could be caused though, Lady?

PinkAvocado · 23/03/2018 22:16

And the messenger doesn’t ‘ruin’ their lives, the cheater does that.

upsideup · 23/03/2018 22:21

Said no one on a cheating Male thread ever.

Yep, the double standards on here are insane.

Dragongirl10 · 23/03/2018 22:36

I had a very close friend who was cheating on her husband, it came to a head when she came to stay with me, whilst quietly arranging to meet with her OM in my flat when l was at work.

Then he turned up at our evening meal in a restaurant, pre arranged of course...l was so disgusted, l made an excuse and went home..,.next morning told her l could not be part of her cover up ever again, and she needed to sort it out..

She stopped the affair and as far as l am aware her husband doesn't know, they have been married 23 years now.

Had she not stopped l would have had to cut ties, as l was good friends with her husband too and couldn't have pretended all was fine.

PerfectlyDone · 23/03/2018 22:38

Well, I would have to tell the husband but would give my friend the chance to tell him herself.

What advice would somebody get whose male friend was cheating on his depressed wife?? Double standards, indeed.

I don't have to be somebody's mother to pull them up on reprehensible behaviour.

Fuffalo · 23/03/2018 22:48

I'd tell my friend, male or female, to sort themselves out. I still wouldn't take it upon myself to tell their spouse though.

Sprogletsmuvva · 23/03/2018 23:10

Yup, there was a thread the other week where her DH’s best mate was making arrangements to visit with his OW - where DHBM’s DW was also a longstanding good friend of the OP and her DH. The general consensus there was not only that the cheating man was a shit for dragging his friends into his infidelity , but that the OP’s DH was not far behind for not objecting to it . Same thing here.

bonnyshide · 23/03/2018 23:36

I would tell your friend you really disagree with her affair and all the hurt she will cause, that you cannot support her while she is cheating and lying, and you no longer recognise her as the person you became friends with. Tell her you will be there for her if are ever comes to her senses and ends it, but at the moment you do not wish to see or hear from her. I would also say thank her that you will not be telling her DH, but if he ever asks you any questions you will not lie to him.

bonnyshide · 23/03/2018 23:38
  • No idea how 'thank her' slipped into that paragraph (do NOT thank her Grin)
FreshTart · 23/03/2018 23:39

My Best friend was cheating on her husband, we used to go out as a foursome all the time and our children are best friends so it wasnt easy to avoid. I told her I hated what she was doing but I would be there for her as she was my friend first and foremost. Sure enough, the shit hit the fan a few months later and I was able to be there for her when her husband found out. To this day he doesnt know that I knew, they have a strong relationship and we are still best mates, with the bonus of knowing we can trust each other implicitly.
Be there for her, let her know how you feel about what she is doing but please don't tell her husband. It's not your place.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.