Can I find out when they split?

[mollycool]

I really want to know if I was the affair or if he'd genuinely split like I thought

He completely discarded me after months and I feel very used. Listened endlessly to him ramble about his crazy exW and now I've been dumped his behaviour has shown me she very likely wasn't crazy at all

They had a child who was less than a year when we began dating and I didn't really add everything up

Not sure what I would achieve if I contacted her to ask, it's probably best I just leave it isn't it?

If he really was split I will just look very vindictive. Is there any way I can actually find out without contacting her?

In the nicest possible way - don't waste your time or your energy fretting over this. It's over. Whether he was cheating or not, it didn't work out, he presumably wasn't who you thought he was and it's not going to benefit you to have any more information than that. Move on. Learn from the experience: in future, if things somebody is saying don't add up it's probably because they aren't true; men who want to tell all and sundry how mad all their exs are, are not good men, and the exs probably aren't mad at all; and the first few months of a relationship should be great - don't put up with being some man's moaning board.

Yeah quite often the 'crazy ex' thing is a load of rubbish and someone who constantly moans about their ex when they're with you isn't really a good person to be with. It is best to just leave it and move on. You're hurting and you want revenge or answers or something which is understandable, but like you said it will achieve nothing. Try to keep yourself busy so you're not thinking about it so much.

You'd only be getting more proof that he is the liar you suspect.

Do you want to find evidence that will make you think slightly better of him?

Having been in slightly similar shoes (when a few years ago I dated a man who told me with a twinkle in his eye ''all of my ex wives hate me!'' - I never married him but he could add me to the list of women who had no time for him after a mere 9 weeks).

I think it's easier to move on and forget them when you know categorically that their behavior was appalling. If you're giving them the benefit of the doubt then you are preventing yourself from confronting how they really behaved TO YOU.

Just assume the worst I think. And that makes his loss less of a loss and more of a win.

To clarify...You had an affair with a MM and now him and his wife aren't together....and you want to know if the affair is the reason for the split?

Or were you under the impression he had already split from his wife?

Either way..I wouldn't continue letting him consume your head space.

I was under the impression they'd split and couldn't possibly get back together as he had divorced her three times

I see. So that means he married her 3 times as well then.

I'd leave them to it tbh. It's sounding like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

He married and then divorced the same woman 3 times............

That’s your red flag right there!!!!!

Forget about him and move on with your life. It really makes no difference if he was lying or not, it didn’t work out between you and it’s over.

No Muslim not marrying 3 times. Married once. "Divorced" Islamically 3 times supposedly legally once

Oh that sounds utterly chaotic.

Agree with PPs. Leave them to that Jeremy Kyle shit. EXIT stage left.

Eh? He sounds like a nobhead don't waste more time on him.

In Islam they have to 'divorce' 3 times before it's final

Your mistake was ignoring massive red flags. Unfair on his ex to ask her Qs, just seek to move on.

Hmm my understanding of a threefold divorce is that you just say it three times. However, if said in anger it doesnt necceserily mean anything. Moreover, if married legally within the uk it means little untill your divorce is recognised by a court of law.
Regardless of that your relationship with this man is over. Move on with your life and leave his wife alone. Does it matter whether or not you where the ow at this point?

OP, all the time you spend concerning yourself with these questions is time you are not spending on yourself. All this wondering about him keeps you emotionally tied to him in your head. Concentrate instead on you. What do you like doing? Who are you? Who do you want to be? What makes you happy?

Op I don't know where you got the idea from that in Islam you have to be divorced 3 times to make it legal. I just divorced my Muslim now ex husband the once. All completely legal

Does it really matter? You aren't with him any more so it doesn't impact your life in any way at all. Leave the past in the past and focus on your future.

No legally once. In Islam they have to say it three times

Like Beetlejuice?

But seriously, get on with your life.

An "Islamic" divorce has no legal status, surely? And wasn't the tiny baby a massive red flag?

I think you’ve probably just been used for sex and he hadn’t even split up with his “crazy ex”. Tiny baby and stories of her craziness really should have made you think twice. We’re you just an affair? He’s probably at it all the time. Forget him and move on with your life

Baby wasn't "tiny" but yeah still a baby. We'd met on a dating site and he'd said they'd split but between them getting to the final "I divorce you" prior to the legal divorce beginning something happened and the baby was the result of that. In hindsight he made such a fuss of how much time he took off work to support his wife in pregnancy and with new baby that for the baby to still be under 1 when we met the most he really could have split for was months. We spent a few months as friends before anything happened. Yes red flags and I should have realised, at the time I was just seeing a lovely man I was having a great time with and he seemed genuine, I didn't dig deeper

Okay so he was not actually divorced.
His wife had just had a baby and he had taken 'loads'of time of to support her which he made a fuss about.....RED FLAG.
Very common situation. He like quite a few spoilt men felt he wasnt getting enough attention with a baby in the picture so instead of being a dad ran off to have fun elsewhere.
Sorry OP think you have been very naive.
Move on.

A child under 12 months when your affair began equals 'tiny' in many people's eyes. The 'something' was they were still having sex.

I don't really know. I suppose that's what I wish I could find out. He said he'd been to court over contact arrangements for the kids made the right noises to be believable that he had and I was also still legally married (but separated and divorcing several years after my exH left)

Unless you're incredibly young and niave why would you fall for this bs.
It sounds as though you knew all the details (that he was in fact still married to , living with and having sex with his wife).
He had a young baby and yet you still had a sexual relationship with him.
You were happy to embark on an 'affair' with this man knowing those facts and now it has ended you want to play the whole 'i didn't know they were still together' card and cause trouble, because you know that the only way you can find out when/if they split is by approaching his wife.
Forget about him, he's no catch.
Let his WIFE have him, she needs him more than you do and he clearly doesn't care about what you had, nor can he be trusted. Move on and maybe don't get involved in a relationship with someone who is in no position to have one.