Infatuation / Obsession with Lover

[LDChoccy79]

Exactly what the title says. I've become infatuated with my lover I've been seeing for 13 months. My work is suffering as I spend all my time thinking about him. I'm constantly checking his Twitter and on Whattsap waiting for him to contact me or seeing where he is. I got jealous cause he's just started following a woman on Twitter who follows him back, ridiculous! We only see each other every 2/3 months as live 400m apart. We meet up just for sex and our whatssap is all sexting. I've fallen for him and this isn't how it was meant to happen. Meant to be just a bit of fun, now I can't think of anything else and feel such a rush when he gets in touch. Help, how do I stop him consuming my every second?

You're addicted to him. You need to break the addiction.

Withdrawal is painful but healthy

From where you are now you will only end up heartbroken. Take control yourself while you can

How old are you op?

Yes I am addicted. I'm 38.

You need to stop contacting him. Cold turkey.

You can't have fallen for him, you barely know him if you live 400 miles apart and mostly have sex when you meet. You don't know the real him at all!

So you've built him up in your head to be the best thing ever - he really isn't. Google Limerance, and cut him out of your life.

But he hasn't done anything wrong. I don't want to cut him out my life, I just want to not spend the days we're not together thinking about him. Constantly!!

Look on you tube for one of those hypnosis videos for getting over feelings of love. I’ve known them to work for people.of anything it might relax you.

Try SLAA. Really helpful when in the grip of an obsession. Doesn't have to be sex addiction at all - most of the women I know who go to SLAA are love addicts.

The thing with addiction is that it is all or nothing. Your romantic thoughts, or sex thoughts are the addiction and leave you falling into a trance more or less.
Distraction tecniques are a good place to start but rememer, every time you ahve contact with him, that cycle of thoughts etc. is reinforced. As your brain is getting the happy feelings when thinking about him, it doesn't want to stop.
Same process for all addictive substances and I am afraid that romantic love is one of them.
So. Either you do want your life back or you don't.
You cannot have both.
Has this happened before.

It's not about him having done anything wrong, it's about your unhealthy obsession with him. If you continue seeing him, you won't be able to get over it. You will never get what you want and you will end up feeling shit about yourself.

Have you been honest with him about your feelings?

If you had an addiction to alcohol or drugs then the aim would be to quit completely. It's like any addiction. If you continue to keep the thing you're addicted to in your life, you'll never be able to quit it.

Another vote for cold turkey. Usually an obsession is based on the picture the person obsessing has build up in their heads, rather than the subject themselves. Having such a lo g distance relationship means that your mind fills in all the blanks and makes them into an impossibly perfect ideal person.

Try cold turkey and see how it goes. Give yourself twelve weeks, make a real effort to be interested in other things and you have a chance of breaking free. Its tough but, what is your alternative?

If you're obsessed with him he will sense the need for your fix and begin withdrawing. If you want him your only hope is to pull back from where you are emotionally. It's a terribly unhealthy place to be

Can't do cold turkey and what would I tell him? I'm not sure it's totally terrible. People spend time day dreaming about others in relationships all the time, don't they? For a bit more back story we used to go out when we were in our early 20's for 2 years. Fast forward nearly 20 years later and we met up again. I'd gone a long time but thinking about him but he was my first real love and now he's back.

read a book

Are you FWB or in a proper relationship?

You need to drop him entirely. None of this sounds healthy.

Not FWB as such. Just meet for sex since last year but live far apart. It's amazing as it was 20 years ago. Neither planning to make it a relationship or take it further as both have children to think about in our separate ends of the country.

No, people don't spend time daydreaming about others to the degree that it affects their work, they're constantly checking messages etc. You must see that's not healthy or normal. I'm going to be blunt here that it's not fair on your children either. You say he's "consuming your every second", that's bound to start affecting your home life.

What will you do when the inevitable happens and he meets someone local to him who he wants a relationship with?

I'm sorry if all this sounds harsh but I think you're being very naive.

38? Yes I think you are naive and need to pull yourself together. Cut contact slowly, meet people locally and try not to be so needy. Are you married?

Yes I'm married and so is he. Both n open relationships though so that bits not an issue. Guess I do need to wean myself off him, just going to be so hard. Can see he's read my last message but not replied yet and I've been thinking about what he might be doing instead all night. Should I tell him the reason or just cut him off with no explanation?

OP, it sounds like you may be experiencing limerence. It's awful and painful but once you understand what it is, you can start to combat it and move past it.
Do some reading, it'll really help. I know it really helped me when I was finding myself constantly having intrusive and consuming thoughts about someone.

If you’re jealous of him following a woman on twitter how do you cope knowing despite you two having sex it’s his wife he goes home to every night?

You need to cut him out completely

I can totally identify with how you’re feeling as until recently I was in a similar situation. I realised how unhealthy the relationship (it wasn’t even a real relationship) had become and it was impacting hugely on my work, husband and I’m ashamed to say my children. I was gripped by an addiction and only happy when I was getting messages from him and anxious and irritatable when I wasn’t. Like you say he never did anything wrong, but it had become unhealthy for me. In the end I sent him a short message explaining how I felt and then I deleted him from my contacts so I can’t even see when he’s online, this has helped hugely. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I’m definitely on the road to getting my life back on track. It’s been hard and I’ve desperately wanted to go back at times, but it’s no way to live your life. Try to keep busy, see friends, talk to someone but please try and break your addiction. I did it for my children.

What ages are your kids? Does his wife know their relationship is open?