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Original poster

Only Children

37 replies

Northerner · 04/08/2004 12:51

One of my pet hates is the negative pre- conceptions that people have about only children. I am an only child, and I have 1 ds (haven't ruled out having more but haven't ruled it is IYSWIM!)

Anyway, just want to put some myths to bed:

(I've cut and pasted this from thec web)

Only children are no more lonely than others. People assume that only children grow up alone, without the benefit of child company. In fact, the parents of only children generally provide them opportunities for child companionship, via neighborhood play groups, school clubs and sports teams.

Only children are no more selfish than others. In the past, people assumed that only children were over-indulged and therefore, spoiled by their parents. But now we know that parents of only children do not over-indulge them, but rather these parents indulge their children just enough to motivate them to meet their expectations. Thus, only children do not grow up to become selfish adults.
Only children are no more maladjusted than others. Several studies of the mental health of children without siblings indicate that these children are as well adjusted as others. This is not to say that there are no maladjusted only children, but that the proportion of maladjusted "onlies" is the same as the proportion of maladjusted children from larger families.

Only children have higher self-esteem than others. Positive attention from parents helps children develop and maintain a positive view of themselves. Only children have an advantage here in that they receive more attention from their parents than children from larger families. This positive attention does not spoil children, but rather allows parents to monitor their children and take corrective action when needed.

Only children achieve more than others. Because the parents of only children have more time and other resources to devote toward their child's development, only children tend to do better in school and complete more years of education than others. Consequently, only children later tend to have more prestigious occupations than others

OP posts:
posyhairdresser · 04/08/2004 13:01

i am the mother of an "only" - it doesn't seem that common still though - in my area people tend to have either no children or else 2 or 3, sometimes 4.

Does anyone know what proportion of mothers have only one child nowadays?

posyhairdresser · 04/08/2004 13:18

I just read an article promoting different terminology for onlies.
Childless couples are now child-free, so only children are now sibling-free!!!

marialuisa · 04/08/2004 13:20

Thanks Northener. Nice to see someone on here pointing out the positives of being "sibling free".

MeanBean · 04/08/2004 14:17

I don't really like the "free" suffix, because it implies that the opposite is a negative. "Free" is a very positive word in English - what's the opposite? Burdened? Chained? Imprisoned? I suppose those who like the "child-free" terminology felt that childless was a negative word, but child-free implies that the opposite is bad. And it's not appropriate for people who aren't childless by choice, it can be quite painful for them to find themselves described as "free" of children when the thing they want most in the world is to be ?child-burdened.? But for some reason, sibling-free sounds better than child-free. I can?t work out why.

albert · 04/08/2004 14:53

I have an only DS and it'll probably stay that way and DH and I are very happy about this but I get sick to death of people asking when the next one is coming and why we've only one child!! How rude of them, it's none of their business! What is a good (polite if possible)answer?

MeanBean · 04/08/2004 14:59

I would just say "we're not planning any more, we feel quite happy with our family the way it is". Just saying something as positive and emphatic as that is enough to let most people know they should mind their own business! I'm always flabbergasted by people who feel they can ask quite nosy questions like that - whatever happened to English reticence?!!

Frenchgirl · 04/08/2004 15:10

albert, I have an only dd and probably won't have any more, for various reasons, and get asked the same thing constantly and it is very annoying! A friend of mine who has an only ds and doesn't want another child replies that sadly her and her dh can't have anymore.... which isn't true but you should see the nosey person's face!

binker · 04/08/2004 15:19

albert - I agree with you - I have a 7 yr old ds and he is our only child - people often ask if I'm going to have any more - I usually say I'm too old ! (true) hoping it'll shut them up...

Easy · 04/08/2004 15:28

I don't know whether my ds counts as an 'only' or not.

I have 2 step-children now aged 21 and 16 (don't live with us).

DS is nearly 5. If people ask if we have any others I tend to say NO, interstingly dh says YES.

So is he an only child?

Furball · 04/08/2004 20:54

We too are sticking with one. We're happy, DS (3) won't know any different, so what is the problem? Very nice to hear some postives about it for a change. Rather than the usual 'you can't have just one, thats selfish/cruel/etc.' In fact, there are about 6 or 7 mums at DS's playgroup who are mothers of one. Thank you Northerner

toddlerbob · 04/08/2004 21:41

Cheers Northener, I have got to thinking that it would be lovely to just have Bob. I had a wonderful healthly pregnancy, a water birth, am still breastfeeding at 17 months, and am just coming to grips with numerous allergies and eczema. Both dh and I have siblings so it is good to know that onlies do not suffer. I'd be interested in hearing from other mumsnet onlies on their experiences.

ChicPea · 04/08/2004 22:28

I am an only child (can I call myself that as I shall be 40 in September?!) and this is what I felt:
What I hated:
Hated going home after playing with friends as my friends had siblings, therefore company and I didn't. I was very envious and it never got better!
Was painfully shy at any new school and wished oh wished oh wished that I, like my friends, had an older sibling a year or two above me to look after me/take me under their wing.
Had to learn to socialise/share/protect myself in a school environment instead of the home environment which is safer.

The pluses:
I noticed I am more independent than my friends who have siblings as they always need the compnay of others and don't enjoy their own.
Became used to adult company and therefore
"matured" quicker maybe.
I would say personally I was indulged with toys, books, 1 cat (who had 2 litters which made me the envy of the class - twice!)
Didn't have siblings to fight with which did have its benefits.
Didn't ever wear hand me downs
Didn't have to compete with anybody at home.

I would add:
When my parents argued, I was scared and would have liked the support of a sibling so that I wasn't going through it alone.
Just because a child is an only child, this doesn't mean to say that it benefits from more attention, it depends on the parents and their commitments/interest in the child.
I would say cautiously to avoid sounding arrogant that I am a confident person and I do have my own business which backs up what you originally said when starting the thread about high self-esteem and high achievers. (I do, however, know adults who have siblings who also fall into this category).
I would also say that I have recognised " an only child" as adults and I have been recognised as "an only child" by others. I think there is a way of behaving, ie maybe being forthright and set in our ways...?
As an only child growing up I vowed that if I started a family, I wouldn't stop at one child as I know what I felt and I wouldn't want a child of mine to feel that way. I also love being a mother of two although I would like more.

One last word: If you do decide to stop at one child, if you have siblings and therefore your child has cousins nearby, I would encourage lots of interaction as I have seen only children thrive on this as the familiarity is there and they gain alot from that.

Hope I haven't offended anyone thinking of stopping at one!

binker · 05/08/2004 16:02

I have to add that I am certainly in the minority at school, being the mother of one child - sometimes I feel as though I don't quite count, if that makes any sense. I am always eager to find other 1 child parents just to reassure myself that it's ok and that we're not on our own. Ds has some cousins,3 grown up ones and a 22 month old one - all live a distance away. However he does seem to have struck the balance right, being quite self contained and able to amuse himself, yet equally happy to seek out friends when he wants company. I remember being like that, though I was the eldest of three.

Original poster
Northerner · 05/08/2004 16:13

ChicPea some very interesting points there.

As a child I always noticed that my house was so much quieter than my friends who had siblings. It's interesting that you say you have spotted 'only children' before, and people have guessed that you are one. This has never happenned to me, so I am intrigued!

I do agree with you though on the maturing quickly - every one always described me as mature for my age. And I love my own company and don't know many people with siblings who do.

I must say as a child I never pined for a brother or sister, I guess what you don't have you don't miss, but as I get older I worry about my parents dying and think maybe it would be nice if I had a sibling to share that grief with IYKWIM.

OP posts:
SueW · 05/08/2004 16:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

katierocket · 05/08/2004 17:00

my ex was an only child and although he said he did miss havinbg brothers and sisters he was also the most self reliant person I have ever known. I was so in admiration of the way he loved his own company and could amuse himself for hours.

mummytosteven · 05/08/2004 17:00

i think there will be more onlys - demographically people are studying later, leaving home later, having debts to pay off, which I am sure will have a knock on effect on average age of first baby and no. of children people have

sis · 05/08/2004 20:16

binker, I look out for other parents of only children too - also, like you, in some ways, it is to justify our own family situation.

whizzz · 05/08/2004 21:24

We curently have 1 DS almost 4 & again haven't totally ruled out any more BUT the old clock is ticking.. I quite like the routine that we have settled into. I do still look wistfully at little baby clothes & remember how nice it was but I seem content with things as they are now. Another child, I'm sure would be lovely but i get torn about giving equal amounts of attention etc. I do feel pressure though & people still ask the question about 'when's baby #2 planned'

jodee · 05/08/2004 22:30

Northerner, your point about not having any siblings when your parents are old, sick, etc. and having no-one to share the grief with struck a chord. DS is 4.5 and much as we would like another, it may never happen and this is a bit of worry - he has cousins but no-one to share the burden when myself and dh are old and infirm.

On the positive side, he is very happy both playing alone and a very outgoing child who will play with anyone when he wants to (like your ds, binker). He has not (so far) wished for a brother or sister.

Also, we moved recently to a new area and the neighbours look after their grandson (also an only child) as his parents work fulltime. DS and this boy play together alot and get on well, and its turned out that both boys will start Reception in the same school and same class in September.

dottee · 05/08/2004 23:27

May I add to the bit about when your parents get older.

I'm an only child and my mum is now 77. Her only sibling, her sister who decided not to have children, is 79 and in a nursing home. I find I may have potentially two more people to care for (I also have a dd with special needs).

My dad died 10 years ago so my mum may become totally reliant on me if she looses her independance.

I dread when my mum gets a bee in her bonnet - I'm the first person she rings (and we've had our share of arguments). I also feel very guilty about moving away from her (40 miles) in 2001 due to my dp's work.

I'll be devastated when she's no longer with us. I'll have all the affairs to sort out by myself. This may sound selfish on my part but it will be a heartbreaking thing to do and no-one can share the burden (dp may try but it won't be the same).

tinyganghq · 05/08/2004 23:45

I am an only child and identify with much of what ChicPea said.

I didn't though wish for brothers and sisters because I couldn't yearn for something I knew nothing about. I have always liked my own company and am quite self sufficient emotionally, I suppose. I think only children can feel rather 'duty bound' to their parents and don't want to disappoint them. That is because all the rough and tumble of a larger family isn't there I guess. I have had a more mature / friendship type of relationship with my parents from an earlier age which is fine now I'm older, but when I was young was sometimes a little high on expectation at times. Talking of rough and tumble in larger families, I think I may have benefitted somewhat from that side of things, looking back. It's taken me many years to toughen up - my parents always listened to me and our house was a quiet one. Yes, they gave me a quiet confidence in myself but I didn't learn to be pushy (when required!) and stick up for myself until much later. However, I may have been like that anyway in a bigger family setup, who knows.

Ironically, I have 3 children and it amazes me that of all people, someone like me with no experience of a large family, should be the mother of one. I have to say I struggle with it at times because the noise, quarrels, and general mayhem are not something I naturally identify with. I tend to try and treat them all as 'only' children which of course is impossible and I worry more about any squabbles they have than they apparantly do! An argument at home was a BIG thing when I was little and could go on in stony silence for days...My children just get it all out and done - mind you, they're still very young, but I'm sure that is a much better way to be and I'll encourage it. My exeperience of family relationships was always on a small scale, so loving three is breathtakingly overwhelming at times, in a wonderful way of course!

Having seen family life now from both ends of the scale, I couldn't say one is better than the other. That all depends on the type of person a child is and how they react to their surroundings. I had a lovely childhood and was loved and wanted. My children will have a different experience to me in some ways, but loved and wanted is what they most definately are too and that is all that really counts whether you are an 'only' or come from a tiny gang.

marialuisa · 06/08/2004 10:40

I'm not convinced by the siblings sharing the burden of elderly parents thing. my mum is one of four but has the entire burden of her witch of a mother. The other 3 siblings do the duty visits and that's it-distance is not the issue.

When it comes down to it the dynamics in every family are so different. People make lots of assumptions about sibling relationships but TBH I can think of more examples of poor/non-existent relationships between siblings when they reach adulthood than i can of positive ones.

It annoys me that we are expected to justify/explain our situation to people. Will stop or the rant will go on for pages!

tinyganghq · 06/08/2004 11:22

Marialuisa could have a point - both my parents have siblings and yet both were left dealing with their own elderly parents while their brother / sister shirked the issue.

mrsflowerpot · 06/08/2004 12:11

DS is 3y4m, and we've been ttc number 2 for over a year and a half with no success, so we're starting to deal with the idea that we may only ever have the one, and trying to look at that positively, so this is a great thread.

DH's mother never shuts up about when we are going to have number 2. And I want to say to her - look at your family, you are one of 4 children and none of you, in the 15 years I have known you, have had a good word to say either about each other or about your mother. Once dh's grandmother (who is at the very least a very disagreeable old lady) goes, then MIL and her siblings will probably hardly see each other, despite living within 5 miles of each other. And this is what she thinks is so much better than our family with just the one child.

Can you tell it winds me up??