Only Children

[Northerner]

One of my pet hates is the negative pre- conceptions that people have about only children. I am an only child, and I have 1 ds (haven't ruled out having more but haven't ruled it is IYSWIM!)

Anyway, just want to put some myths to bed:

(I've cut and pasted this from thec web)

Only children are no more lonely than others. People assume that only children grow up alone, without the benefit of child company. In fact, the parents of only children generally provide them opportunities for child companionship, via neighborhood play groups, school clubs and sports teams.

Only children are no more selfish than others. In the past, people assumed that only children were over-indulged and therefore, spoiled by their parents. But now we know that parents of only children do not over-indulge them, but rather these parents indulge their children just enough to motivate them to meet their expectations. Thus, only children do not grow up to become selfish adults.
Only children are no more maladjusted than others. Several studies of the mental health of children without siblings indicate that these children are as well adjusted as others. This is not to say that there are no maladjusted only children, but that the proportion of maladjusted "onlies" is the same as the proportion of maladjusted children from larger families.

Only children have higher self-esteem than others. Positive attention from parents helps children develop and maintain a positive view of themselves. Only children have an advantage here in that they receive more attention from their parents than children from larger families. This positive attention does not spoil children, but rather allows parents to monitor their children and take corrective action when needed.

Only children achieve more than others. Because the parents of only children have more time and other resources to devote toward their child's development, only children tend to do better in school and complete more years of education than others. Consequently, only children later tend to have more prestigious occupations than others

LOL Mrsflowerpot....

Every situation is different and it depends entirely on the situation the only child is brought up in. Tbh it depends complete on the parents and most parents do a splendid job but don't miss out those of us who didn't have such a great time.

I don't find myself in any of your statements - except the spoiled on. My parents made sure I sometimes did without so no one could say I was spoiled. I had cousins but none of them included me in their cliques and that had a knock on effect even now when I don't speak to them.

I have no self-esteem, not much confidence and am quite introverted. I found it hard to develop relationships and friendships as I hated being close and people being in my life too much. As a result I almost forced myself to always be on the outside and still can't interact properly. I usually let DH do most of the talking and I know he worries because my closest friend lives in Chicago (am a total wierdo having a best friend from high school penfriend club? Well, she has known me now for nearly 20 years!)

Oooh can you hearing the worlds smallest violin playing just for me

Don't worry folks, your little ones won't end up like me - I just struck on on family, both sides as well!

I apologise for bringing a downer on the whole proceedings!

I have one dd and don't plan to have any more children, for two reasons mostly: first I am a single parent (so I only get those annoying questions about "the next one" very rarely ), and I am in no hurry to find a new partner. When (if!) I find one I will probably be too old to have anymore children.

The second reason is that I am one of two and I suffered from my brother being the favourite while I was being neglected, not in a nasty way, more in a "oh she'll be alright" kind of way. The jealousy I felt toward my brother was very hard to deal with, although it has been dealt with and we have cleared the air and are now good friends.

I know it's very unlikely that if I had 2 children, this situation would repeat itself as I am so sensitive to it, but I just couldn't take the risk. I hope I am making sense as I'm finding it a bit difficult to explain this in a clear way!

If I were to have more than one child I would have 3 or more, certainly not just 2. But as I said, I'm not getting any younger so it's more likely that my dd will remain an only child.

But then again you never know...

I think it is helpful to get views from adults who were only children and how they feel it affected them but it has to be kept in perspective. For example, many people's parents were poor and it affected them to the extent that they spent a lot of their childhood wanting to be able to have more toys/games/new clothes etc and in adulthood, perhaps need to a financial safety net of lots of savings or found that they could not handle money because their parents had never taught them how to etc... Now we would (I hope) not say that people should not have children if their finances are not very good, because we know that children need a loving and emotionally secure childhood. Yet, people in general, (I am not talking about mumnetters here) often quote unhappy experiences of only children as a reason why people should not have only children without taking into account the other factors that affect the happiness and well-being of a child.

It is good to read about onlies as my dd is, now she is 4 I feel less pressure to even contemplate more, no one has said much about it for ages tho I usually make it clear we didn't want more quite quick. I used to get "you can't just have one..." which just seemed a stupid thing to say, just went to prove how little friends listened when I said how hard I found it.
If the subject comes up I have always said to dd "we don't need any more children, we're happy with you" or if feeling less nice "you're quite enough"...she loves other children & it's only in the holidays that I feel for her with much less socialising. But she seems very happy most of the time. tho I will probably always feel pangs of guilt. That's why I like these threads..

We just have one dd (22 months). I had a brother and my dp (adopted) had a sister (also adopted). I had dd relatively late in life after thinking (for various health reasons) that I'd never have a child at all. Now I feel so blessed to have her and she completes me and dp so well as a character that I don't trust my luck to have another one! Dp and I are quiet people by nature and dd seems to be too (nature or nurture I don't know which) and we're just really happy as we are. I make sure she sees lots of other kids and am hoping to get her a couple of days at nursery soon. Basically I'm trying to say that I'm just enjoying her so incredibly much, so fascinated to see her grow and change, that I sometimes worry that having another one will not allow me to focus on her as much as I do now. Conversely I don't want to be selfish and am aware that she might like a sibling. It's a hard decision but I doubt we'll have another one.

strangerthanfiction - I agree with all you've said ! I had ds at the age of 38 and feel totally blessed - dh and I are both quite quiet people and both self contained and ds is such a combination of us both ! He is sociable yet very happy to amuse himself and seems to have great inner resources. Having another child would've meant doing it quite quickly after he was born,given my age, and tbh I never felt that urge - it was enough to just have him. Also dh was happy with the one child and we seem to be a nice,complete unit.
I have two friends who are onlies - one has always been confident,bright,charming and has done very well for himself, the other though also charming,funny,talented,bright has struggled emotionally,mostly through her relationship with her parents. I also have a friend who is the third child of 4 and seems to be the only one who takes responsibility for her elderly and disabled mother - partly maybe because she lives the closest, but it seems terribly unfair. I think these things tend to fall on one sibling. I hope that both my brother and I and our spouses will be able to both look after our parents when they need it,though we live a fair distance apart.

Well I do not think that there is anything wrong with only having 1 child atall.
I now have 2 wonderful ds's, but not by choice.
Both my children were accident's & after ds1 we said that we would not have any more children, nuch to everyone's disgust!
We also got the comments about being selfish etc, but no one takes into account the parent's sanity or the damage each extra child can do to your relationship.
Also neither dh or myself got along with our sibling's when we were younger & would have quite liked to be only children!
Anyway as it happened,I became accidently pregnant with ds2 while still on the pill & was devastated (as was dh)
I suffererd from terrible depression both while pregnant and 4 a long time after his birth (as all my plans had been destroyed) I also took a very long time bonding with the poor little thing. It was not atall like it was the first time.
Anyway after ad's, counselling & time, I got through it & now love ds2 2 bits. (although he is a complete nightmare!!)
I still envy people with only only one child as life is so much harder now and if I could go back in time & not know ds2, I still would only have 1.
But I guess u think that at least I don't get hassled any more, but u would be wrong. Now they want to know why I am not trying 4 a girl!!!!

I'm glad to have found this thread. I wanted to start one like it myself. We have one DD aged 2.5 and are not going to have another. We both feel sad about that but there are too many practical reasons not to, we feel. Namely unemployment, age, and hyperemesis. I was very ill when pregnant with DD and don't know if I could go through that again. Everyone around us is popping out second babies and it does hurt me. Then again, if I am honest with myself, I don't know if I could cope with 2 children. I have found it such hard work and so hard to adjust to not having much of my own life. I do worry about DD being an only child as I have two sisters that I get on very well with now. DD is very sociable and we live in a town with lots of children around so I guess we will have to work hard at having her friends round often.

I have just found this thread and am relieved to hear others who have chosen to have only one. I'm still torn within myself and don't feel I've ensured my ds (3.5) has a busy enough social life, although I do try hard. He asks frequently for a baby or a bro or sis and I do often want to have another baby but am frightened of being overwhelmed with house/chores/cooking, as feel pretty overwhelmed now with only one! Relate to Snowbell very much. Very torn as dh definitely wants to try for another. Anyone else undecided?