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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could I leave him?

31 replies

Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 08:27

Please be kind :-(
I am new.
I don’t know what to do. I have a baby and things have not been great with husband and I don’t know what is normal.
I am unhappy, I get I am not alone in this.
I took maternity leave and now working very little as it is hard with nursery and commute expenses and his job takes a lot of flexibility on my part.
It has been a year and I have been lucky if I got 15 minutes to get ready. He takes 30-40 minutes every morning and I am usually allowed 5-7 minutes if lucky.
I have no access to his money so he puts some money into a joint account so I can buy food and sometimes a treat.
I had to ask him for lunch money for my first week at work and he gave £10 so I thought I would go out witg my son and maybe have a cake like some mums always talk about this Costa places but as I was driving home he texted to ask to buy supplies and only £5 in joint account so I had to split the bill at the till and spent my change from lunch.
So yesterday and today spent at home in PJs as no cash fine, but it is cold and he said I had 20 minutes today to get ready, yay! But I have to wash my hair so I could not do it at all.
I am so sad that another day needs to be spent here.
Son has been poorly so i can’t just leave him to play and run to shower, he wants mum or dad as he is in pain.

Ok so we don’t own a house and our accomodation is linked to his job. I spent most of my saving as I was not earning much on maternity leave and I extended it too.

I want to leave and provide for my son. How? No idea.

Is it normal not to have access to money? When i ask he just puts £200 in join account but with the weekly shopping then that month all the money is gone in that and I get nothing to buy bras or things that I would like. I am by no means a big spender.

I said other mums get to go to the hairdresser and I said oh but I have no money so I guess I would have to do it myself at home and he said I can have some time this eve to cut my own hair.

My mum lives abroad and has a big house. I speak the language there. Should I leave? Move in with mum?

He loves our son and he is a very good and loving dad to him. I would not want to take that away from them.

Please advise please don’t judge me I am sad as I don’t do well with being indoors all the time. And we also don’t have heating as he says to explensive so just a fire in the sitting room.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/03/2018 08:30

Go to your mum

Original poster
Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 08:39

How do I reply to someone? AnyFucker even if it means movinv countries or you mean for a while? There is high unemployment there... I have always worked and had money and I am more qualified than husband. Would renting here be crazy? Would he have to contribute to our rent?
I am scared :-( I want my son to have everything I had growing up

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2018 08:39

Would go to your mum's.

You and in turn your son are being abused by your husband, you are being financially abused. He lives the life of Riley and you do not have heating (because it is supposedly too expensive) and cannot even get your hair cut, he deigns instead to give you time to do that yourself.

He is NOT a good dad to his child if he is treating you as his son's mother abusively. Women in poor relationships often write the "he's a good dad comment" when they can think of nothing positive to think about their man. Your life with this man will continue in such misery if you stay; you need legal advice with a view to divorcing this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2018 08:41

Are you in the UK?. Can you stay here instead and carve out a new life for you and your son without him in it?.

At the very least you need legal advice and this is where I would start. You are married to this man so have more legal rights upon separating from him as well.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/03/2018 08:42

He is not a good and loving dad if he’s leaving you without access to money.

Leave, go and stay with your mum till you work out what to do.

You can’t continue to live like this, he is very abusive. Tell your gp call women’s aid and tell them what is happening.

Your husband is abus By both you and your son.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2018 08:44

If you stay with this man your son will be living in a home where there is abuse.

Leave this man permanently and make a new life without him

You are in a prison where he makes the rules and they benefit only him

It is normal to get a haircut in a salon any time you like. Asking for money demeans you and he wants to bring you down

This is not acceptable and is a terrible example for a young child to witness

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2018 08:46

Well you are being abused.
Financially and in other ways.
Initially try to speak to Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
Also talk to CAB and see what you would be entitled to.
He would have to pay maintenance for his child.
Do you know how much he earns?
All this is you want to stay here.

If I were you though, I'd get as far away as possible.
If your mum can have you then get to her ASAP.

This man is NOT nice.
He is NOT a good dad.
He is NOT a good example as a male role model for your DS.

userabcname · 23/03/2018 08:50

Why do you have to be "allowed" time to get ready? What happens if you take longer? That's ridiculous.
No it's not normal to not have joint access to money. He is not a great father; he is a terrible one. You can't even afford to pop to Costa and have to stay in a cold house? It sounds awful. I would go to your mum's if she would support you. Whatever you do, get away from this abusive relationship.

user1483387154 · 23/03/2018 08:50

If you want to leave you need to get legal advice regarding your child.
You CANNOT just take the baby to another country without written consent from the father. You could be charged with Kidnapping if you do not comply with this and your child returned to Country of birth with the father.

WhiteDiamondX · 23/03/2018 08:54

KatnissK how can you say he's a terrible father? He's a shitty person and is treating OP like shit, but that doesn't make him a shit dad?

MrsBertBibby · 23/03/2018 08:58

This isn't normal, it is financial abuse. He is horrible, you're "allowed" time to cut your own hair? FFS.

You can not however take the baby out of the country (I assume you're in the UK?) without his permission or a court order. Even for a visit.

You should see a family solicitor, many offer free preliminary advice, either direct, or through CAB.

MrsBertBibby · 23/03/2018 08:59

WhiteDiamondX

Good dads don't abuse their baby's mum. Only shit dads do that.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2018 08:59

A man that abuses the mother of his child is forcing that child to live in an abusive home and is a shit dad

dirtybadger · 23/03/2018 09:01

He is abusing you financially. What does he spend the rest of your money on? There should be equality in your relationship- you should both be able to have roughly the same "things", and personal time. You should be able to understand your finances and have access to money.

Unless he is on a very low wage and not working full time, then he is witholding money from you, for basic things. Is it normal to cut your own hair and not to be able to get a cake at costa? For some people...but usually because they are on a very low income/no income. If your partner is earning an average wage then you can afford (not him, you) to go and have a hair cut at a salon once in a while, and for the odd coffee and cake.

You have two choices. You could go home to your mother. I assume you will have more support here. Which is important. But perhaps poorer job prospects due to the level of unemployment?
Or you could move out and stay in the UK. I dont know what qualifications you have, perhaps it will be not too hard to find a job (perhaps it will?).

I guess where you live is quite personal. It is nice to have social support. But if you prefer living in the UK then movin home, and then trying to come back to the UK again in the future may be difficult. Speak to your mum, and any friends in your home country, and to any friends you have made in the UK who come from overseas or even from your home country? They may be able to give you some advise on that side of things. Do you have anyone for support here, friends, etc?

userabcname · 23/03/2018 09:01

Whitediamond - a good father doesn't abuse the mother of his child. Quite simple.

Slartybartfast · 23/03/2018 09:03

do you and your lo both have passports firstly?

Aw12345 · 23/03/2018 09:05

Needing to ask for money is very very controlling. Why wouldn't he want you (his wife and mother of his child) to have the things you need?

Sounds like the start of domestic abuse to me (and I have experienced domestic abuse myself).

Do absolutely anything to get away from him, before he starts saying that you're not allowed to see your friends/family and then you'll be in an even harder situation.

Save yourself :-) good luck xx

Vangoghsear · 23/03/2018 09:06

Ask him to get his whole salary paid directly into the joint account. You need to spell out to him that you are a family unit now and as he is main earner all money should be seen as family money. If he won't budge you might be better off leaving, your current situation is just not acceptable. I have to add though, that you have not helped yourself by using your savings when on maternity leave - he should have been supporting you and baby financially not leaving you relying on personal savings. I know it's too late now but a lesson for others reading this who are in similar situations.

Original poster
Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 09:08

Oh wow thank you! So many people to help me 😪 I am crying now.
Really that bad? 😪
But he gives us money for food and he bought me a car when baby was born so I could take him places. But he has his own sports car too, I asked if we could sell that but he won’t. I asked how much money we have but I don’t know.
I have some savings I kept to myself but I really want to keep those for an emergency for my son.
No no I wont take my son abroad or anything without consent thank you.

I wanted a life for us in the UK, we both have dual nationalities but the UK is home. I have always supported myself, I studied and worked so this is all very new.

Could this be fixed? If I put my foot down and he had to share his account with me?

I am scared of leaving with son as he loves his dad it is so obvious to me when they play and cuddle.

He also bought me perfume and pjs for mums day and we dont go hungry or anything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 09:09

Yes we have 2 sets of passports, 2 nationalities, I made sure of that quickly

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 09:12

Yes yes I should not have used savings and feel guilty as I used for his clothes and toys and I should have kept on going to the charity shop instead but I wanted to buy him nice things.

But I kept some, because I am responsible and cautious with money.

Oh well I just texted to say I needed a shower this morning and upset I can’t go out like this now and I will do the hair cut tonight and he said tonight’s time is for me to go for a run not grooming 😪
Because I was pestering him I have not had 30 mins to run for a year.

This is not living.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 23/03/2018 09:15

No, it isn't.

Can you look at getting into a refuge? He is an extremely controlling man. This only goes one way, and it isn't up.

Original poster
Rainbowtrain · 23/03/2018 09:20

I feel refuge should go to women that are suffering proper abuse? And children? I would not want to take that space or help from them...

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 23/03/2018 09:22

You said you dont want to take son away from your partner, but if he isnt currently capable or willing to look after him for a couple of hours whilst you have a run, shower, and a hair cut, then I am fairly sure you are worrying about nothing.

I am assuming he finishes work and comes home every evening. It is not normal for him not to take over responsibilities for your son so that you can have some time to yourself. He is treating you like a (very poorly paid!!) live in nanny.

rocketgirl22 · 23/03/2018 09:22

No, this is NOT living. Your husband is controlling every aspect of your life.

Tell him you are going to visit your mother for a week with the baby and stay there until you can organise your life in the UK. Job, house, childcare. Or where your mother lives depending on your decisions when you get there.

You can not possibly go on like this. I feel so much for you, be strong. You have your family and they will be there for you.

Best of luck