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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Zoe Ball programme, so sad.*trigger warning*

44 replies

justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 21/03/2018 22:09

My dh was going to commit suicide twice. Once before I got pregnant, the other just after.
He decided after 10 years of attempting to have a baby, he was too old, couldn't cope.
First time he said he backed out of it, just couldn't do it.
The second time he told me that he was going to do it. We have a fantastic doctor, and he organised a mental health team within 2 days!
He pulled around with talking therapy. We now have a wonderful dc, whom we both think the world of.

My problem is, how do you ever forgive them? Watching Zoe has brought it all back big time. I just about coped myself at the time, had to really.
Everything was a haze, I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy or baby's first few months because of the worry, I can never get them back.

I know that he is far from any more attempts now, but I don't think that I can get over it. (I appreciate the fact that he is still here)

Anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
Cakeisthebest · 21/03/2018 22:13

Just be thankful he is still here.

It’s not really about forgiving. Just look back and remember the important part you played and what he is now.

BrandNewHouse · 21/03/2018 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerfectlyDone · 21/03/2018 22:18

Forgiving him is quite different from acknowledging what his MH problems have cost you.

Forgive him because that is the kind and right thing to do, and because he was ill, and because it is far healthier for you to not end up bitter about something that is in the past and you cannot change.

But also, and just as importantly, accept that this was a huge thing to get through and that it is still affecting you.
I'd suggest you seek some counselling for yourself, consider it good house keeping Smile

SarahSiddons · 21/03/2018 22:21

“Your allowed to be upset about it. Your feelings are valid too.”

This. I wonder if you need someone to speak to and process this. I’m sure you’re glad he’s still with you but that’s a lot to deal with at a vulnerable time for you too.

ZandathePanda · 21/03/2018 22:22

There's no getting over it. It's something that you will carry always. It will get less raw or it will rise up. It's not fair but you have got to try and quell the anger. You may want to try CBT. It's good for processing everything that's built up. With raising a family etc you don't have time to process much on your own!

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 21/03/2018 22:23

My dh tried and succeeded. I'm angry...very very angry..still. Nearly 10 years later. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him

Original poster
justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 21/03/2018 22:26

Thank you so much for your kind replies.
I have only spoken to close relatives about it, and wasn't offered my own counciling at the time.

Just typing my post made me feel better.

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 21/03/2018 22:28

Why Thanks

I agree, there is no 'getting over' this kind of thing, there's only keeping going and accepting the hurt caused, and with luck and time and sometimes professional help the raw pain will lessen and mature in to something more akin to a scar rather than a fresh wound.

Original poster
justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 21/03/2018 22:34

Such wise word, Thank you all.

Whywont. I'm so sorry Flowers I can understand your anger.

OP posts:
doctorcuntybollocks · 21/03/2018 22:35

I have no difficulty understanding your anger. He shat all over what should have been a special time.

BishopstonFaffing · 21/03/2018 22:38

I had specific trauma counselling on the NHS a year after my DH attempted suicide. I was (and still am) extremely angry at him. I was really struggling to hold myself together at work and was actually significantly depressed. The counselling has helped a lot. I think I should possibly go back for a bit more though!

It's a hugely complicated thing to process. The idea that he wanted to leave me and our 3 DC alone was horrendous. And that anyone feels bad enough to actually want to die. The method was extremely disturbing and it is only by luck that he is still here. I have struggled to be intimate with him since (he doesn't know this is why) as i have flashbacks to the idea of his dead body.

Sorry, that just splurged out. I'm basically saying 'have trauma counselling'! I hope you find a way to process this and move forward. I'm here if you need a handhold.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 21/03/2018 22:40

My DP and father of my son killed himself. 16 months on from it, I am, at times furious with him for leaving my son without his beloved father. I see the pain my DS is in and my heart hurts for him.
Pills, alcohol and many bad choices were significant factors in his death but now he is "at peace" and we have had to learn to live with our grief.
I am not usually angry but tonight my DS has come to sleep in my bed, crying about why his father had to die.so, yes, i am a little pissed off right now.
Sorry to not be of any help, Op. I hope you can find a way to make peace with it all.

BishopstonFaffing · 21/03/2018 22:42

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses Sad

HermionesRightHook · 21/03/2018 22:43

I think anger at him is a really ok reaction. Your feelings are completely valid and they don't mean you don't love or value him - they're a reasonable reaction to whatever horrible mental issues that tried to make him think that was a solution.

Forgiving him would be lovely too - but it might take some help to process that. If you can get some talking therapy (trauma counselling as suggested above?) then I think that would really help you process.

Catgotyourbrain · 21/03/2018 22:44

Op your feelings are valid. I think you would benefit from therapy. It helps you reframe thoughts and memories and it can help you deal with this

Sorry youve been through that though

Ginxed · 21/03/2018 22:55

My best friend tried and succeeded 29 years ago, I'm still angry with her for not talking to me. I have forgiven her, but I still wish she'd just talked to me, it was such a waste of a young life.

PutUpWithRain · 21/03/2018 23:18

From the other side... I attempted suicide. I was so mentally unwell that I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing for my DC & then DP. I thought that I was such a toxic presence in their lives that whilst they would be sad that I died, eventually they would have happier lives without me. Which sounds fucking ridiculous I know ('wooh! kids! You can be happy now your mum's dead! It's not going to fuck you up at all!'), but that was how my brain worked then.

Your anger is completely understandable, that he couldn't see beyond where he was at the time, and that it stole something important from you, that you'll never get back. Agree with pp that therapy that's just about you, and your very valid feelings could help.

I don't think my ex ever forgave me for what I put him and the children through, and I'm sorry for that. All of the focus in the aftermath was on me, not him. Our last final, awful argument included him telling me he wished I had died, that he wished he'd left me to die. If I could go back now, I'd have made sure he got just as much MH support as I did. Because he, like you, had every right to feel angry and I don't think he ever got the chance to express that to anyone.

You did bloody amazingly to get through possibly the two hardest life adjustments at the same time. Now he seems to be ok, I think you need to find some way of expressing the feelings you're left with after it. And to repeat - your feelings are valid.

Mumontherocks1 · 22/03/2018 00:30

My DD is suicidal. She went missing this evening but was found. I spend a lot of time daily trying to support her. It's completely exhausting. She has a lot of support but sabotages her recovery.

This evening my main emotion is anger. I feel like I'm being manipulated. If she kills herself so many lives will be ruined. I can't say what I want to say which is 'go ahead then and stop threatening me'.

I think it would be a relief. It's torture waiting constantly on edge. I have had counselling which did help. Now I just feel so pissed off.

I hope I haven't triggered anyone. It was helpful to read the experience of someone who tried to kill themselves. Thank you for sharing. I beg you not to judge me.

Mumontherocks1 · 22/03/2018 02:10

I've calmed down a bit. It's just so frightening.

Trailedanderror · 22/03/2018 02:19

@Mumontherocks1 and all the other posters on this thread Flowers

Pluckedpencil · 22/03/2018 02:21

mumontherocks1, I can't begin to imagine how bad it must be for you to feel like that. Please get yourself some counselling, phone your gp. You really bloody need some support through that. What a load to bare each day. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 22/03/2018 07:36

mumontherocks1 Flowers
I've felt like that too, hopeless and just wanting an end to it all.

I'm 4 years on, but it still comes over in waves, when it's least expected.

Sorry so many have been through similar,
thank you all xxx

OP posts:
Mumontherocks1 · 22/03/2018 10:39

Thank you so much for your kind replies, that means an awful lot to me.

I will get more counselling because I'm just not coping. My heart goes out to anyone on this thread who is going through this.

The counsellor was great. He told me that it is not inevitable that she will kill herself and if she does I will find a way to cope. I know that makes sense but it's not very comforting. She has overdosed and went down to a river a few days ago. Then missing for a while last night.

She is in hospital but walked out last night. She was detained but voluntary now and ward based which means she is not alowed leave the ward. She's not locked in though.

Thanks again for replying it really helped me. OP thank you for starting this thread. I understand every word you wrote.

PutUpWithRain · 22/03/2018 20:11

@Mumontherocks1 When I look back now, I feel so ashamed that I didn't see what I was putting other people through. In my head, I was making a huge sacrifice - not being part of their lives any more - for their good. I honestly thought they'd be happier without me.

Now, I can see how awful it was for them, and how right they were to be angry, confused, and upset. They felt so helpless. I shudder to think how they would feel now if I had died, and how much strain I put on them, and they got no support from anyone. It was all about me, and it's only now I can see that they needed help just as much as I did.

I sometimes think that in a crisis, we just cope, because we have to. We deal with the practicalities. It's when things become everyday that everything catches up with us, or when we're dreading the next bad thing. I don't know if I could cope the way my family did, but you are. It doesn't necessarily have to be counselling either, just talking about it to someone, without expecting some way of fixing things, or knowing that you're not going to be judged for how you feel must be a huge relief. The Samaritans might be worth a try - you can just vent to them, and know that someone's listening.

Flowers for you, OP, and everyone else who's dealing with similar. I'm sorry if I may have upset a few people by trying to explain what was going through my head at the time - but also how it is possible to recover and see things differently. I also think there needs to be much more awareness & support of just how hard it is to have someone you care about being suicidal. Obviously, they need the most immediate support, but the people around them are going through something pretty lifechanging too.

zebrano · 22/03/2018 21:05

I've recently started therapy for a trauma from 18 years ago. I witnessed my father attempt suicide when I was 17 years old (my mum had finally filed for divorce), my dad timed it nicely for when I returned home from college. I was begging and pleading with him to stop taking the pills but he turned on me and was aggressive. I called 999 and he was sectioned. It was never mentioned again. It's only through my current counselling that I've been diagnosed with PTSD for this.

I self harmed, and was a problem drinker through the rest of my teens. He attempted again when I had just had a baby son, when his next partner said she was leaving him. I got the 'goodbye' voicemail and had to ring 999 from work. It caused a lot of flashbacks.

A couple of months ago he was in a mood about something and threatened to kill himself and my eleven year old son heard, that's what prompted me to get counselling. At present he does not want any contact with our family as he refuses to understand that his threatening suicide will traumatise me and the children, so we are currently NC. But he is 74 and in poor health so it is hard. I'm working on my trauma with EMDR.

I do feel a lot of anger. He has placed this burden on me so many times at such a young age. It has affected my life so much.

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