Zoe Ball programme, so sad.*trigger warning*

[justbinthefeckinbyebyebox]

My dh was going to commit suicide twice. Once before I got pregnant, the other just after.
He decided after 10 years of attempting to have a baby, he was too old, couldn't cope.
First time he said he backed out of it, just couldn't do it.
The second time he told me that he was going to do it. We have a fantastic doctor, and he organised a mental health team within 2 days!
He pulled around with talking therapy. We now have a wonderful dc, whom we both think the world of.

My problem is, how do you ever forgive them? Watching Zoe has brought it all back big time. I just about coped myself at the time, had to really.
Everything was a haze, I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy or baby's first few months because of the worry, I can never get them back.

I know that he is far from any more attempts now, but I don't think that I can get over it. (I appreciate the fact that he is still here)

Anyone else had similar?

[zebrano]

Interesting perspective, I do, of course, feel very sad for my dad that he is so broken that he will sometimes feel suicidal. Maybe the difference with me is that my dad was also a domestic abuser (although he doesn't see slapping and punching my mum's tooth out as abuse) and the first suicide attempt was made when she finally got the courage to file for divorce.

He didn't change either, he followed the same pattern with his next partner. Domestic violence then a suicide attempt when her son came and whisked her away from the situation.

It's so hard for me to not be angry because it's all just mixed up in one big war zone of a childhood, and now into my thirties I am still picking up the pieces. I swear I will die young from all the stress!

[SingleAgainThen]

This is a heart breaking thread to read, I’ve suffered with depression for coming on 11 years & have done therapy, counselling, anti-depressants etc. I’ve never seriously thought of ending it all - because of my kids - but I’ve had dark thoughts for sure.

A few years back, I met an ex-GP who had attempted suicide & his late teens daughter couldn’t forgive him & punished him massively- obviously very angry.

It has always stayed with me, his poor family who had to go through such a trauma, but the guy I met was so sad & damaged - I probably saw a side of him that his family couldn’t because of the raw emotions.

He deserved my pity, sadness & sympathy- such a lovely man that couldn’t see a way through but I totally understand his family’s feelings.

I have no sage words of wisdom just a look from a stranger’s point of view of how these individuals might feel.

[Tiddlywinks63]

💐 indeed And bugger hugs being unMNetty.
I worked with family Carers for most of my career and it's far from unusual to be resentful and angry about the position you find yourself in- no one signs up for what it can, and does, entail.
It's often a bloody thankless task.

There are organisations that can help- The Carers Trust is one //www.carers.org and Carers UK //www.carersuk.org is another.

[Branleuse]

Its really hard. My first boyfriend made several suicide attempts, and I would always rush and help him and be there and support him, and then one time I came home from town and he had tried to slit his own throat again. I just looked at him and thought "you must really hate me" and I remember just falling out of love with him. Tried to keep going for about another year, but it never really worked. I was really young too. Far too young to deal with that sort of thing.

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

to all of us, and unmumsnetty hugs x

[justbinthefeckinbyebyebox]

Why you haven't derailed the thread at all! There are so many sides of this to share.
It's good to here that this thread has helped at least one person, besides me.
I have tried so many times, but always felt that I couldn't word it properly.
Sorry to all affected

[SlowlyLosingThePlot]

Yes, it is the illness that is the problem, but unlike other illnesses the person has a lot they can do which affects the severity if they illness. And there are shades. There are points in the illness at which they have the ability to realise where they are heading, particularly if they've been there before. And the treatments of therapy have limited assistance if they are unwilling to engage.

It gets very, very hard to separate them.

And, thinking about it. There were probably bits of my DH's personality that I was drawn to which were actually parts of the illness, but at such an early stage that they seemed to be interesting quirks rather than mental health problems. Not sure how I feel about them now.

[Mumontherocks1]

My DD has bipolar disorder and one of the symptoms of that illness is aggression. It's really upsetting and frightening when you are faced with an angry aggressive irrational person.

You are spot on when you say the anger should be with the illness. It's just sometimes very hard to stand back and separate the two. I need to work much much harder to understand it is the illness and not the person.

It is genuinely hard to cope as a carer and sometimes exhaustion, fear and worry can take over.

My DD also has a mood disorder and this can make things very difficult. Her reactions can be extreme. All in all it is a very complex illness.

You are right though and the anger should be directed at the illness but carers are only human and don't always know the best thing to do.

[tigercub50]

No personal experience but from the outside looking in, wouldn’t the anger be with the illness that can be the cause of suicide or suicide attempts rather than with the person suffering? Because if they are ill, there is no room to think about the effect on others or the illness takes over so that “ normal” thoughts no longer exist. Until we are in that person’s shoes, surely we can’t be angry with them?

[Mumontherocks1]

It's very very tough going. June your post made me laugh, I hope you don't mind me saying so. I desperately need to find a way to deal with my DD's illness.

II'm going to ring a suicide helpline for advice on how to communicate with her. If I don't I am going to lose it myself and end up in the bed beside her.

The hardest thing for me is when my DD is so horrible to me or about the staff who are really trying to help her. It makes me resent her which doesn't help things. You would need to be a saint to hold your tongue.

I wonder if mental health is as bad as cancer or any other very serious illness or is it worse? Who knows.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Slowly l get that. My dh has bipolar diagnosed in his 40s and for a few years life was crazy as he was very unstable. Nurses in the hospital would give me cards with support groups on for me to access support. It made me so angry. I wanted to shout f.....o.... l have enough problems without going into a room hearing more about depression. I am not the one with the problem.But eventually l did go and l did find it helpful and l suppose l realised l could offer support to others too.
But op l find a small thing can trigger the pain and anger but l have learned now to let myself feel that ..not fight it off..but go with it until it passes as l know it will. I do write in a journal too which helps to get it out. My dh is stable now but l have learnt that the best thing for me is really taking care of myself.
I am sorry to hear everyones story as that trauma is life changing.

[SlowlyLosingThePlot]

My DH attempted suicide, and by some miracle it didn't succeed. He had planned it very well so it not succeeding is very unusual.

But the trauma both of what he was going through and the attempt has now caused his brain to shut down. He is physically and mentally a shell of the person he was before.

I spend my time ferrying him around to medical and legal appointments, desperately trying to earn a living in impossible circumstances after being a SAHM and trying my best to protect my 2 DC from the effects of his current state.

I've been offered some help, but perversely because the help is related to helping me cope with being HIS carer, which has been caused by HIS attempt I feel rage at the offer, and don't want to go near them.

I know it's pretty bloody stupid, but I feel as though my sole identity is now as his carer and everything is being given to me solely to help me cope with HIM. And I don't want to. I don't want to have to cope with him.

[GrimDamnFanjo]

My best friend committed suicide. I spent around 5 years reliving the experience every day. It was exhausting. Eventually I had hypnotherapy for what I thought was an unrelated issue and it all came up. It was like switching a light off, although I occasionally think about him and miss him, all the noise just went away.
All loss is painful but suicide is just so hard to bear.

[Wolfiefan]

My TV is off! What programme? Such a harrowing subject and one people too often shy away from talking about.

[PutUpWithRain]

@Mumontherocks1 keep talking to us - it's lovely to hear that you had a good day and some happy time with your DD. Little moments like that are what will keep you going when it feels hopeless and overwhelming. And when it is all too much, you can come and vent here to us - it's such a huge strain to be placed under, so you do need some support, or at the very least, just be able to be honest, instead of keeping it all inside.

[Mumontherocks1]

Exactly Pog. Being able to be frank on this thread made me feel less alone and spurred me on to arrange a meeting at the hospital.

It's not over for me yet but I feel supported knowing that it's not just me.

[pog100]

I just wanted to say that this thread is amazing. Mumsnet at its absolute best.

[Mumontherocks1]

Put don't be ashamed you were not well at the time. It's crucial that your experience is heard. People skirt around the topic of suicide. It's spoken about in hushed terms. Very few people know my DD is suicidal. I don't tell anyone bar family & my partner.

I had a meeting with DD psychiatrist today to discuss my fears. DD came too. It was really helpful. Just talking about it openly with DD present helped bring a lot of things out in the open.

I feel less anxious and I have had a good day. DD was allowed out with me for a few hours and we actually had a good laugh at times. I watched a film and enjoyed it.

One day at a time. Love to everyone on this thread.

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

Thanks perfectlydone and just....a little touch like that from strangers on the internet means so much. Sorry I derailed a bit just

mumontherocks and hugs for you

[zebrano]

I've recently started therapy for a trauma from 18 years ago. I witnessed my father attempt suicide when I was 17 years old (my mum had finally filed for divorce), my dad timed it nicely for when I returned home from college. I was begging and pleading with him to stop taking the pills but he turned on me and was aggressive. I called 999 and he was sectioned. It was never mentioned again. It's only through my current counselling that I've been diagnosed with PTSD for this.

I self harmed, and was a problem drinker through the rest of my teens. He attempted again when I had just had a baby son, when his next partner said she was leaving him. I got the 'goodbye' voicemail and had to ring 999 from work. It caused a lot of flashbacks.

A couple of months ago he was in a mood about something and threatened to kill himself and my eleven year old son heard, that's what prompted me to get counselling. At present he does not want any contact with our family as he refuses to understand that his threatening suicide will traumatise me and the children, so we are currently NC. But he is 74 and in poor health so it is hard. I'm working on my trauma with EMDR.

I do feel a lot of anger. He has placed this burden on me so many times at such a young age. It has affected my life so much.

[PutUpWithRain]

@Mumontherocks1 When I look back now, I feel so ashamed that I didn't see what I was putting other people through. In my head, I was making a huge sacrifice - not being part of their lives any more - for their good. I honestly thought they'd be happier without me.

Now, I can see how awful it was for them, and how right they were to be angry, confused, and upset. They felt so helpless. I shudder to think how they would feel now if I had died, and how much strain I put on them, and they got no support from anyone. It was all about me, and it's only now I can see that they needed help just as much as I did.

I sometimes think that in a crisis, we just cope, because we have to. We deal with the practicalities. It's when things become everyday that everything catches up with us, or when we're dreading the next bad thing. I don't know if I could cope the way my family did, but you are. It doesn't necessarily have to be counselling either, just talking about it to someone, without expecting some way of fixing things, or knowing that you're not going to be judged for how you feel must be a huge relief. The Samaritans might be worth a try - you can just vent to them, and know that someone's listening.

for you, OP, and everyone else who's dealing with similar. I'm sorry if I may have upset a few people by trying to explain what was going through my head at the time - but also how it is possible to recover and see things differently. I also think there needs to be much more awareness & support of just how hard it is to have someone you care about being suicidal. Obviously, they need the most immediate support, but the people around them are going through something pretty lifechanging too.

[Mumontherocks1]

Thank you so much for your kind replies, that means an awful lot to me.

I will get more counselling because I'm just not coping. My heart goes out to anyone on this thread who is going through this.

The counsellor was great. He told me that it is not inevitable that she will kill herself and if she does I will find a way to cope. I know that makes sense but it's not very comforting. She has overdosed and went down to a river a few days ago. Then missing for a while last night.

She is in hospital but walked out last night. She was detained but voluntary now and ward based which means she is not alowed leave the ward. She's not locked in though.

Thanks again for replying it really helped me. OP thank you for starting this thread. I understand every word you wrote.

[justbinthefeckinbyebyebox]

mumontherocks1
I've felt like that too, hopeless and just wanting an end to it all.

I'm 4 years on, but it still comes over in waves, when it's least expected.

Sorry so many have been through similar,
thank you all xxx

[Pluckedpencil]

mumontherocks1, I can't begin to imagine how bad it must be for you to feel like that. Please get yourself some counselling, phone your gp. You really bloody need some support through that. What a load to bare each day. I'm so sorry.

[Trailedanderror]

@Mumontherocks1 and all the other posters on this thread