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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t know what to think now

69 replies

Rezzala · 21/03/2018 21:09

Been seeing a lovely guy for a few weeks. Had sex for first time last night, I asked him to put a condom on which he did. I realised afterwards that he’d taken it off, he admitted he didn’t like wearing them so had removed it.
I can’t decide if this is big enough to walk away and never see him again - maybe because he’d had a few drinks he wasn’t thinking too much about it?
Would find other people’s views interesting

OP posts:

newdaylight · 22/03/2018 06:35

In case you think you're overreacting, in Sweden what he did would constitute rape.
In the UK as well for that matter

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2018 07:40

He's a rapist
Don't see him again and get yourself to a clinic

Babyblues052 · 22/03/2018 07:57

This is called stealthing. It's illegal considered sexual assault. He's a fucking bastard and if I were you I'd run a mile.

Cricrichan · 22/03/2018 08:00

What he did was awful and puts you at risk of stds!

Original poster

Rezzala · 22/03/2018 08:40

you’re all right, he’s in the bin! And I am off to get checked ...

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 22/03/2018 08:54

That’s not acceptable on lots of levels

He has no respect for you, values his own pleasure over your wishes. What if you’re pregnant Or he’s passed on an std ?

Bin him!!

hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2018 12:26

Well done OP.
That's not OK at all.

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2018 13:16

Good decision

Would you consider reporting to the police? I know v unlikely to get a conviction but even being arrested might stop him doing it again

SparklyMagpie · 22/03/2018 13:20

Good for you for ditching him OP, disgusting bastard!

I actually would contact the police, and I'd tell him I was so he's think twice about trying that shit again on somebody else

Original poster

Rezzala · 22/03/2018 14:43

I genuinely thought I’d overreacted to start with but now can appreciate exactly how awful it is
I don’t think I’ll go to the police, I just want rid of him and to not have to speak to him again

OP posts:

BleakBetty · 22/03/2018 15:20

Not remotely an overreaction, to me this is sexual violence and completely undermines your autonomy and trust.

Absolutely disgusting. He’s telling you your bodily autonomy, health and choices are irrelevant to his momentary pleasure.

Walk away and make it clear why!

NotSoSureX · 22/03/2018 15:37

This is called "stealthing". It is increasingly considered as a form of rape. Now putting myself in your position, I think I would want him to

Discuss this with me
Provide a proof that he is free of STDs
If not possible, then he will have to wait until he is able to provide such a document. I would prepared to do the same.

He clearly doesn't mind tricking you into things if he thinks you might not want to go ahead willingly. Doesn't sound like a keeper I am afraid.

Juells · 22/03/2018 15:55

It'd be quite funny to tell him you had an STD, that's why you'd wanted a condom, and he should get to a clinic as soon as possible. I know, I know, you won't do it, just the thought of turning the tables on him makes me laugh. What a shit.

Ariela · 22/03/2018 15:56

He is not putting your needs and wishes above his own.

mehhh · 22/03/2018 16:00

Absolutely not ok, that's a deal breaker

Original poster

Rezzala · 22/03/2018 16:38

Juells very tempted!

OP posts:

MarieG10 · 22/03/2018 16:51

Or even better, that you have HIV, hence why insisting he wear a condom. Then leave the twat to sweat and get tested. He won't ever go anywhere In the future without being encased in latex!!

NotTheFordType · 22/03/2018 17:06

It is a form of rape - look at the sexual offenses act, under the section on "conditional consent". It would be prosecuted as rape.

Do you have any texts from him that admit to what he did?

I recently had this experience myself. I spoke to an officer from the local force's Adult Safeguarding team and discussed potentially taking it forward. She explained it would involve doing a video interview, which would be quite detailed and could be fairly upsetting. He would then be interviewed by his local force and depending on his reaction it would be referred to CPS.

I decided not to go ahead - in my case the guy claimed "oh it slipped off as I pulled out" which was complete bollocks as there was no ejaculate whatsoever in the condom. At the time I panicked and had a very thorough shower so there was no DNA evidence to get. The officer explained even if they had recovered DNA, he could just stick to his story that it fell off and it would be my word against his. So I decided not to proceed.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it is a violation of your trust. He's an absolute cuntless fuckwit. If you want to talk further, PM me.

Djnoun · 22/03/2018 17:08

I've actually seen this same matter in court before. It's a criminal offence.

Ohyesiam · 22/03/2018 17:17

Two possibilities;
Either he knows what a shitty thing this is to do, in whichever case walk away.
Or he has no idea what a shitty thing this is to do, ie has his head about a mile up his arse, in which case walk away.

Sunnyjac · 22/03/2018 17:17

Tell him he’s lucky you’re not reporting him (if you don’t) and make it perfectly clear to him that this is the reason you will no longer be seeing him. As others have said, this counts as rape as you only consented on the basis he’d wear a condom. He needs to understand what he’s done. How would he feel if you said you’d take care of the contraception/protection and then lied about it?

Ohyesiam · 22/03/2018 17:17

And I meant to say sorry this happened to you op.

mimibunz · 22/03/2018 17:18

Definitely cut his dick off.

Original poster

Rezzala · 22/03/2018 17:40

Thank you all for your replies, I wasn’t expecting to get so many responses
NotTheFordType I don’t think I’ll go ahead with reporting it, maybe I should but just seems a lot of hassle for probably nothing
mimi that made me chuckle

OP posts:

cittigirl · 22/03/2018 17:49

I'd be so tempted to say what MarieG10 said if only to make him think in the future. What an arse 😠

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