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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just don't understand this

46 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 11:32

Right I need some perspective and want to make sure I am not being unreasonable. I very dear friend of over 20 years is now pretty much ignoring me. The reason being is she does not like my new partner because she thinks he treats me badly. DP have been tog 2 years and def had our ups and downs but essentially we are happy and looking to make a life tog, this seems to sit badly with my friend and her husband, saying things like I should concentrate on my children, err they are grown up and left home. I could do better. I have been shunned from parties because he is not invited, got short text this morning asking for something of hers, she has left at my house. no how are you? how is life. I have always thought of her as a lovely person and great friend but does not seem that way anymore. Just makes me sad, surely you should support a friend regardless of choice of partners, would love some thoughts on this.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 21/03/2018 11:38

He must have done something?

FissionChips · 21/03/2018 11:40

Do you moan to her about him? If so then it’s your own fault that she has formed those opinions of him.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 11:44

Of course I have confided in her as she was a good. Boot on the other foot I have friends you have come to me for a good moan, if they have chosen to carry on their relationship I would support them. It all seems a bit play groundish to me. We are woman in our 40's not 14

OP posts:
FissionChips · 21/03/2018 11:50

She is supporting you, she’s making it clear to you that she finds his behaviour unacceptable and she wants better for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2018 11:57

I do wonder what he's done to make her feel like this.
In 2 years you've definitely had your ups and downs.
And she doesn't like the way he treats you.
If he's a nightmare when drunk it's not surprising he's not invited.
Is that the issue?

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 12:02

hells no not drink related. He has always behaved well when he has met my friends, though he can be a bit offish though this is his personality and said he does not mean it. It all related to how he has treated me and yes I did talk to her but thought that was what friends were for. When I treat me well meaning in arguments not day to day life, as most of the time he is lovely., If that makes sense, sorry I maybe did not make myself clear

OP posts:
Adora10 · 21/03/2018 13:59

He's obviously done something to cause her to think this way if she's otherwise lovely.

Without knowing the full facts it's hard to say but I'd be very careful OP, she may in the end prove herself to be right, he doesn't sound great for a partner of only two years, I'd not expect any downs in that short space.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/03/2018 14:03

most of the time he is lovely.

I'd be wondering about the rest of the time. Echoing a PP, you've only been together two years - he should pretty much be lovely ALL the time still. Maybe she is worried about you - you do seem to be excusing some of his behaviour...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2018 14:04

What Adora wrote. Sometimes people on the outside looking in can see real issues that are not immediately apparent to the person within the relationship. She is your friend and she has known you longer than this man has so it may well be that her concerns are not without foundation here.

How does he treat you, are you trying to anticipate his needs and or reactions now?. What examples can you cite re, "he can be a bit offish though that is his personality and said he does not mean it?". That one sentence does not sound at all good at all. How did you meet this person and what is his relationship history like?. That often gives clues as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2018 14:05

I would also ask what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2018 14:06

What do your now adult children think of him and you together?.

TwitterQueen1 · 21/03/2018 14:10

Who would you trust more? A dear friend of 20 years or a partner whom you've known for just two years and with whom you've ups and downs and no-one likes?

It's a no-brainer OP. I think you need to take off your rose-tinted spectacles.

NotTakenUsername · 21/03/2018 14:15

How does he treat you in arguments? Why not tell us that and then we can give an opinion on whether she is overreacting or looking out for you?

surely you should support a friend regardless of choice of partners

I disagree with this. To me there comes a point when it becomes too draining to stand by and watch someone you love as they ignore all rational advice and hurt themselves over and over. Friendships are relationships too and they also need balance and mutual respect.

Quartz2208 · 21/03/2018 14:37

So you have told her how his has been unpleasant to you during arguments and now she feels unable to be around him correct? And now she feels she cant stand by and watch you be with him.

Maybe you should be looking at your relationship more as to why your friend has decided on this course of action

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 15:18

I am very interested in the posts. I am not making excuses for him as he has acted badly in the past but hopefully he has made significant changes. This post was not about him but my friend, I am sure she has my best interests and I most certainly I do not put upon her. I was kind of hoping that she would support me as I would her in any choices she made, as other good friends have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 15:23

And for the record the children's father was awful to me but is now best mates with my friend and her husband. umm

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 21/03/2018 15:23

It's really hard to support someone when they are behaving in a self sabotaging way. You feel complicit in their behaviour. Also, I have a friend who I cannot visit in her home, or have her DP in my home, because he makes my skin crawl. Obviously that impacts our relationship.

Joysmum · 21/03/2018 15:23

TGEres only so much you can stand watching people you love being hurt and knowing that they don’t see the issue and will continue to make bad choices.

In the end you have to be clear to that person and just walk away until they come to their senses.

Most people who have been in bad relationships will tell you they minimised or had no clue how bad it was. Perhaps you should think about why such a good friend took the hard decision to take a step back.

picklemepopcorn · 21/03/2018 15:23

What do the children think of him?

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 15:37

pickle that must be hard. I totally respect that it is hard to be around someone you really dislike. And would be happy to carry on my relationship with her away from our partners, as strangely I do not like hers, so suits me, My youngest thinks he is ok, older one not much contact as a life of her own, so there has been little contact. The house is very calm atm so long may it stay that way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2018 15:44

"I am not making excuses for him as he has acted badly in the past but hopefully he has made significant changes".

That sounds bad as well actually. At the best now, you are still minimising. It was not a great surprise to read either that your children's father was awful to you.

What do you get out of this relationship with this man?. Is he ok with you primarily if you dance to his tune?

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 21/03/2018 16:09

atitilla a lot of assumptions there. What I am getting now is a person who is treating me with respect, he has made changes because I asked him too and is sticking to it. And making me happy and looking forward to a happy future. My childrens ex was a very mixed up person with issues who I loved deeply but I ended the relationship for the sake my son so he could have a happy stable home , it broke my heart . I can assure not minimising going on here.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 21/03/2018 16:44

Two years doesn’t seem like much of a timeline for things to have been good, then bad, then character transformation and good again to a point you can really be sure it’s a permanent change...

Why are you unwilling to share what he did? If you aren’t minimising wouldn’t you be willing to share all the information?

Qcumber · 21/03/2018 16:49

I think it depends on what he's done really. If she just didn't like his stand off-ish personality then I can see why you'd be upset. If he'd abused you in any way then I can totally understand where she's coming from. I wouldn't be supportive of a relationship I could see was unhealthy or harmful.

SevenStones · 21/03/2018 16:52

The house is very calm atm so long may it stay that way.

Perhaps your friend hasn't had the full experience of him being this new respectful person in a newly calm household and is coming from a viewpoint of how things were before.

In six months if he is still respectful and the house is still calm then perhaps she might start to believe he has really changed.

I can't help but think that she knows exactly what he is like and is not expecting this new behaviour to last.