Just don't understand this

[Sunnyday1203]

Right I need some perspective and want to make sure I am not being unreasonable. I very dear friend of over 20 years is now pretty much ignoring me. The reason being is she does not like my new partner because she thinks he treats me badly. DP have been tog 2 years and def had our ups and downs but essentially we are happy and looking to make a life tog, this seems to sit badly with my friend and her husband, saying things like I should concentrate on my children, err they are grown up and left home. I could do better. I have been shunned from parties because he is not invited, got short text this morning asking for something of hers, she has left at my house. no how are you? how is life. I have always thought of her as a lovely person and great friend but does not seem that way anymore. Just makes me sad, surely you should support a friend regardless of choice of partners, would love some thoughts on this.

I think we need to know what the issues were with his behaviour, otherwise we can't really know if she is being unreasonable or not.

He treated you badly. Perhaps your friend finds it too painful to watch you being suckered in for more. Slow motion car crashes are hard to watch.

Maybe you are right and he's had a successful personality transplant. Nevertheless, if she honestly believes that to be ridiculous then it could be very hard for her to hang out with you as you talk about moving in together and acting like everything is awesome. Especially after you cried on her shoulder about it.

Old friends are very protective, can’t you take it as a sign of care and affection that she wants the best for you and worries about those close to you?

I am not sure I am explaining things well. I don't really want to go into the issues as have posted about this before and do not want to derail the thread. Just to say that we have talked through the problems and his attitude is totally different, of course in the back of my mind I worry things may slip back but I am giving him a chance to put it into practice and so far so good. I also get that my friend is totally allowed to not like him that is not the issue, issue is I am being given the cold shoulder and she is not being a friend anymore. It seems most people think this is fine so seems like I got it wrong. So if she chooses not to be a friend anymore because of my DP then so be it. I will choose him, sad as it would be lovely to have both.

I would be incredibly wary of a man who behaved badly in the beginning of a relationship. Once you move in with him and he gets his feet under the table, I would be very surprised if these attitude changes are long lasting.

In a lot of ways you’ve already shown him that you’re willing to put up with a lot of his bad behaviour and he still gets to stay so where is the incentive to behave well?

You’ve also shown him that when your friends look out for you you don’t listen to them and that your loyalty is to him even when he behaves badly, so where is his incentive to behave well?

Not we have lives together for over 2 years. His incentive to carry being respectful and kind , otherwise the relationship is over. And yes I am wary for now, proof is in actions not words. This is very complicated to try and explain I suppose. Friend and husband are very good friends with my childrens dad. I was very bad to me.

I’m confused. Your op said together 2 years, but your last post said living together over 2 years?

Together as in living together yes.

Op, it's very hard for people to judge when you won't explain what he's done. Your friend may have good reason to walk away and not support you on this. So you will need to articulate what he has done to make her not wish to be involved.

Was their physical violence involved for example?

I think most of us have been in your friends position over the years. We all have a friend who moans about that awful - and often abusive - partner but will never leave him. In the end, I think most people get tired of it and walk away. I certainly have with my friends.

OP did you say your ex and friend are now best mates? Is it possible he has been saying bad things about you to them? Or spreading lies? Like 'oh sunny says this about you, and gossips behind your back etc etc'
When did they become friends? Was it around same time she started being off with you?
Then again it could be what all PP have said and she is just worried and upset about your relationship.
Is it possible to meet her out for coffee and have a proper chat about everything?

Blunt it is not that I don't want to share, as done that before on a different thread. No physical violence. Just say controlling behaviour and getting angry, me not backing down and pushing buttons, none if this is happening now. star they have always been good friends but lost touch when we split, seemed like they wanted to take sides but now back in touch. I think as someone said up thread maybe she needs time to see that all is well. I respect her decision and will leave her to it. If she wants to get back in touch in the future or needs me I will be there. I must say I am a little taken aback how so many people would ditch a friendship because of not liking a friends choices. But has been enlightening and the reason I posted

Op, it's you that's not getting it. You friend can't be friends with you because she doesn't like or trust your partner and it's incredibly difficult to maintain a friendship under these circumstances.

If parties and events are happening and you're not invited she can't talk about them. You can't talk about what you might have done at the weekend with your partner or how you're feeling or any nice things that may have happened.

A similar thing happened in my friendship group. None of us see the woman any more - not because we don't like her but because she has chosen to make her life with a total arsehole who none of us can bear to be around.

I don't think it's as simple as ditch a friend due to not liking their partner.

What people are saying is if you see someone being abused. You listen continually to their problems, and they do nothing to help themselves, but continue on in the blind belief it will change, when you know it's just a matter of time, then many people at some stage will have to leave that someone to it, because it's too disturbing or distressing to always be there when the wheels come off.

You've not really explained it, in fact I strongly suspect you're minimising, but either this friendship was never solid in the first place, or you are choosing to stay in an abusive relationship and she's reached the end of the road in terms of involvement and support in that drama. I suspect she was also aware of the drama with your ex. So for her this may be a never ending story with you.

A lovely person and great friend wouldn't just turn her back on a friend of 20 years over nothing. How can we judge if she is being unreasonable when you refuse to say what your DP has done. The fact that you won't and are minimising suggests to me that it was far worse than you are saying. BTW, your op says that you've been together 2 years and then you say you've lived together 2 years. Did you move him straight in with you after meeting? It what way was he controlling?

Is there any chance your DP has made "a pass" at your friend ?

Her behaviour is weird considering she's now friends with your EX....who also treated you badly.

Sounds to me that he is controlling and aggressive and rather than him changing you've learned how not to set him off.

She has rightly in my opinion tried to counsel you to get rid of this arse, you're minimising and there's a limit as pp say to how much you allow yourself to be part of such a destructive situation.

Sounds to me that he is controlling and aggressive and rather than him changing you've learned how not to set him off

Very insightful, and so often the case when when see threads started by people who are being controlled, manipulated or abused.

They wrongly believe things have improved and start the thread about something ‘small’ not having realised they’ve been trained to suppress themselves and always avoid doing anything that might trigger their partner.

40+ years experience of seeing my mum attempt to tiptoe round dad - newsflash - it doesn't work!

though he can be a bit offish though this is his personality and said he does not mean it.

That, and everything else you have said about him, makes it pretty clear where your friend is coming from.

I am not being abused or controlled or modified my behaviour in any way to pacify my DP far from it, he is the one who has made changes. 2 /3 years tog what difference does it make, we both still own our own properties and co exist. We were having stupid arguments he would think that he had to leave and did. Hopefully we have settled everything, this thread was about my friend who does not like my DP and now almost finished our friendship and I have not been crying on her shoulder every 5 mins. latte all be it the my ex spends every weekend with her It has never crossed my mind. I suppose we all have different ideas and I know that I would support a friend regardless of her/his choice of partner. It would be my right not like them though. I do thank everyone for their posts. I think my friend always hoped I would get back with the children's dad which is weird considering what she witnessed. It works fro them I suppose.