Would you be happy with this financial situation?

[Hightidelowtide]

My husband earns a good salary but not a huge one after tax. I am a SAHM but I have a property I rent out which allows me to contribute £2,300 a month to the joint account. I also buy all children’s clothing, pay for extra shops, I tend to pay for house repairs and often holidays. My husband pays all bills including phones and for food. He has also since we have been together sent at least a quarter of his salary to his parents overseas who have next to nothing and no pension except one apartment which they get a small rental for. I accepted this when I met him because I was naive and had no children and thought it was a short term thing. It’s is not short term it is for the rest of their lives . It is also any adhoc medical bills etc. I have given my husband money to pay off a credit card bill they had ( nothing non essential but a big sum). I am still mostly the bad guy in relation to his family and that never changes. My money is from the generosity of my family who do not have a bottomless pot of money and have worked very hard for it. I also own 80% of our house. In my will he would get everything. He has no will. If I ever mention the money which goes to his family he treats me like the nastiest person on the face of the earth to even mention it. Our relationship is very difficult and this financial situation gnaws at me particulars when he is nasty to me. I respect his looking after his family but feel that I end up paying for it by paying for all the extras he could otherwise afford but I get none of rg appreciation. How would it sit with you?

Well our monthly income isn’t much more than your pocket money, so I’m not sure I’m best placed to comment.

I’d say the money to his parents out dates you and that’s that.
But the will would annoy me. Does he have a will? Is it possible he has his parents as the beneficiaries?

Does he definitely not have a will?

For me, this would depend on the figures you are talking about. If he is contributing a £1000 to your joint account and finding his parents I would not be happy. If he is contributing £5000 then he can afford to be generous with his family if he wants.

You don't sound hard up for money. We live well off the money you alone contribute to the joint account. So, there may be more than enough in your joint account already to allow him to give his family a bit if he wants but it depends on what amounts of money you are talking about. You can't be the only one putting money in if he has money but is giving it away.

I fail to see the problem. Would you honestly want to leave his parents destitute when it sounds like you have plenty of money?

Id get some legal advice alone as to where you stand because presumably if you divorce he's entitled to half your assets too. And then I'd try to get a joint appointment re finance with a financial advisor. If he won't go with go alone because you need advice.

Does he have other siblings? Is sending money home what everyone in his culture does?

I've got to be honest your situation sounds ok now but it'll get substantially more difficult as his parents get older I'd imagine.

No I would never see them destitute. That is not my pocket money it is the rent from a property I own. I have as I said been very generous with his family. He contributes a slightly higher amount than mr but not £5000.

I pay all my own expenses and any extras for children

Why on earth did you marry him without understanding his culture and the money aspect? Any person from a culture where money is sent home will do it for life, not just temporarily.

Do you have DC?

My SIL is from another country and does this - the difference being that she works long hours, DB doesn't work and never has, so he has no right to say what she does with her money. He married because he was desperate for a wife (and being long term unemployed isnt exactly a great aspect when attracting women!) and she was desperate for a visa.

I dont know what your solution is, but, if not already, split finances so you each pay half of bills and what he does with his remainder is up to him, and stop giving him any of your money to send to them.

Maybe also make a will leaving your money elsewhere, but it could be challenged I guess. But I dont think you can stop him sending the mone home.

He sounds horrible, you're not a bad person for wanting to put your own family first.

It also sounds like he misled you in how long the arrangement would go on for.

Second getting your own independent financial advice. Get your hands on all the numbers you can and go and get someone to have a look and let you know where you stand.

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage, it's worth knowing where you stand should you decide you'd be happier getting divorced.

Why isn't he paying extras for children too if they are his?

He needs to be fully paying his way with the bills and children's costs, then he can do what he wants with remainder.

If he doesnt have a will the money would go to DC, not parents, and if there is a will leaving it to parents, it could be challenged I am sure, as DC are dependants.

Change your will to leave money to kids. But also make him pay equally as much as you for his own kids!

If you have a joint income of +£4.5k, presumably after tax. £54k a year. No I’m not best placed to have an opinion.

Maybe give a quarter a month to your parents too, that they can hold as funds for if you divorce?

Hope you work it out.

This is actually quite simple. Does he contribute at least the same as you to the family pot? If so, you have absolutely no right to be angry. You should be thankful that you are both so well off and this money easily places you in the top 5%, if not 1%, of earners/households.

I think looking after family is fundamental. I completely believe that this is a generous and very attractive feature of someone. It's also very common in cultures, some places such as SA it's 'Black tax', in Chinese culture and other Asian cultures this is the thing you will definitely do.

And so what if you contribute more to holidays? If overall, your money and his money are somewhat equal, I am flabbergasted at the issue here. You're a family. Are you of the mindset that the man must pay for the woman?

It seems like you think that £2k you get should be yours which is absurd unless you went into the relationship with that agreement.

Additionally, with the will, is the house joint ownership/joint tenants? Depending on your house deeds, this will overwrite any will and upon death the other share of the house automatically goes to the wife/husband.

If the will is an issues, bloody speak to him. Don't have a go at him spending his hard earned money to look after the people that raised him and gave him the opportunities he now has, just say you're concerned about the family's future. Preparing a will is a very normal thing to do.

So he pays in more than you do and you contribute to the household income because you can afford to. I'm not seeing the problem as long as everyone is contributing (as they can afford) and no one, especially the children, is going without.
You married him and had children with him knowing about his arrangement with his parents (which I think is very respectful and the right thing to do) so surely you were happy to share your house, your money and vice versa.
The being nasty is a separate issue, if he treats you like crap then that has nothing to do with whether he pays for everything or not.
I would make sure though that you seek financial advice together so that should one of you end the marriage or sadly pass away either both parties or the remaining spouse are/is fairly covered financialy.

I pay for extras because I don’t want us to get into debt and I am doing this to enable him to do what he needs for his family. Messy I know. He is a very intelligent man lacks financial sense. When he racked up a big credit card debt I cleared it using money I cannot replace but granted those were family expenses. His family have never really been supportive of me and he always makes me feel excluded where they are concerned partly because I ever dared mention this money. My husband can be verbally abusive and I am very unhappy in our life together so this makes me all the more uneasy.

Well that’s the thread you want to write then. People can’t mind read.

Please go and get some legal and financial advice and look at the steps you'd need to take to leave

My husband can be verbally abusive and I am very unhappy in our life together so this makes me all the more uneasy
Then end it.
And for the love of god, change your will immediately to leave everything to your DC.
Why would you leave it to your DH when he's a nasty bully?
You need to make an exit plan and get away from him.
Abusers never change.
It's unhealthy for your DC to be in an environment with an abuser.
It is classed as abuse of them too.
Why would you put up with it???
You have plenty of money to live without him.
So see a solicitor and get him gone!

Firstly change your will and leave it to your children - you know it might end up with his family so get it set up so its a trust for them

It's all very messy isn't it?

Firstly if you ignore the issue surrounding your respective family's then this is a classic case where there is one parent that works out of the home and earns salary whilst the other stays at home with the kids. I think most people would agree that in this kind of scenario any money earnt is joint money as presumably you being a SAHM was a joint decision and there are obviously massive savings in relation to childcare etc. So his salary is not just his to do what he likes with and you are entitled to have an opinion and some control in my view of what happens with this money.

I think what's causing difficulties here is the disparity between what your respective wider families are contributing. Obviously his family are expecting long term financial support from you and your partner whilst your family have done the opposite and bought you property that will provide you with a long term income. I think when you marry you effectively merge assets and liabilities and you were very naive to enter this marriage where this is this massive inequality.

I guess my question would be is he using the money you have got from your family to send back to his family? I think in a roundabout way he is, because if you didn't have that money it would obviously all come down to his wage to support everyone and it sounds like the money would not stretch far enough.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with this and I would be looking for a way to get out of this unhappy marriage which would involve being able to support yourself. Can you do this?

Bumpitybumper- I am thinking of asking him for a separation of two years and then a divorce. I think the main thing is that he has always made me feel that he puts his parents and sister before me and loves them more which has been very hurtful to me. If he were kind to me I would feel very differently.

thinking of asking him for a separation of two years and then a divorce

The words you use shape how you think and feel about your actions. I would rally encourage you to not give away your power, by asking him for a separation etc. Get yourself some good legal advice, and follow it. All the best.

The money isn't the issue, is it? In a happy marriage you would just work this out together and it'd be sorted. But he is nasty and abusive, so you just need to get rid of him.

OP Based on your posts I would be definitely be pursuing a separation. I think it's telling that he makes you feel bad for questioning the money. He wants to shut down all conversation because in his mind there is simply no question that he would stop this support. Yes this is noble in some ways, but it is also financially abusive and cuts you out of the decision making process completely. You are entitled to have a say regarding your joint money and just because he wants to prioritise his own family does not alter that fact.

Actually Finally I agree. You don't need to ask for a separation. Decide what YOU want to do and go for it. Showing a slither orlf indecision or weakness to people with a propensity to abuse is really not a good idea at all.

It may be the norm, and what he wants, to send this money home. But being abusive to you when you ask perfectly reasonable questions about it or want to discuss it (and at other times!) is not OK. if you are unhappy it's a problem. Get independent financial advice, don't give him the warning that you want a separation first, get your ducks in a row and decide what you want long term.