Would you be happy with this financial situation?

[Hightidelowtide]

My husband earns a good salary but not a huge one after tax. I am a SAHM but I have a property I rent out which allows me to contribute £2,300 a month to the joint account. I also buy all children’s clothing, pay for extra shops, I tend to pay for house repairs and often holidays. My husband pays all bills including phones and for food. He has also since we have been together sent at least a quarter of his salary to his parents overseas who have next to nothing and no pension except one apartment which they get a small rental for. I accepted this when I met him because I was naive and had no children and thought it was a short term thing. It’s is not short term it is for the rest of their lives . It is also any adhoc medical bills etc. I have given my husband money to pay off a credit card bill they had ( nothing non essential but a big sum). I am still mostly the bad guy in relation to his family and that never changes. My money is from the generosity of my family who do not have a bottomless pot of money and have worked very hard for it. I also own 80% of our house. In my will he would get everything. He has no will. If I ever mention the money which goes to his family he treats me like the nastiest person on the face of the earth to even mention it. Our relationship is very difficult and this financial situation gnaws at me particulars when he is nasty to me. I respect his looking after his family but feel that I end up paying for it by paying for all the extras he could otherwise afford but I get none of rg appreciation. How would it sit with you?

Well it would depend. I'd you can still afford to pay school fees, health insurance etc. Then I don't see the issue provided that the sum he gives them is reasonable to their needs. Although I don't see why they don't just sell their extra property and live off the proceeds for a while, that's what I would do in their position. But if his financial contributions are preventing you from affording the things you need I would be a bit pissed off. Obviously you cannot expect him to let them starve but they do have an asset that they can sell don't they?

I would suggest you seek proper legal advice.
Your situation could get complicated. Therefore it would be better trying to cover your back sooner rather than later

I think the only thing in the financial situation is the lack of a will. I also send money overseas for family and I'd put my husband through the bloody floor if he had the nerve to complain about that.

However, the general unhappiness and his abusive attitude - just bloody leave. Life is too short for all this planning to leave in 2 years bollocks.

You're contributing far more than he is. Around 50% financially when you include stuff for the kids etc, the vast majority of childcare, which saves a fortune, I guess most of the house work, you're also the one sacrificing your job to do all of this. What exactly has changed for him since having kids? Where are his sacrifices?

Dairyisclosed there is no way we could afford private school fees. I did not say I contribute to holidays- I generally pay for them and I have paid for his family to join us last year. He does not save either as he has nothing left. Part of the reason I dont want to put him through a divorce is thar he is the father of my children and I dont want to financially ruin him. I also know that if we divorce he will be paying for 2 families, working hard with nothing left for himself. I feel very sad for him. He has never appreciated my contribution and has actually always said nasty things about the fact that I have family money like when we almost divorced previously he told me he wouldn’t give me anything because I have enough already and he has always said that if it were up to him we would not have a mortgage but he could never have afforded a deposit on any family house and if he had it would have been so small we would have had a big mortgage anyway.

i think you want to leave him but you dont now how to. Is he asian? If so - the whole culture thing of giving your parents money is almost expected, you yourself say you knew this from before, this has only now become a problem because the truth is, you want to leave him, why should you be paying for the upkeep of his family? That's the thread you want to start... good luck OP.

Seems he finds you a convenient money tree

My money is from the generosity of my family

Then it's a bit hypocritical of you to resent his DPs being shown this same generosity.

I think you are going to have to suck up sending money back to his family.
You have children. Leave your assets to them (in trust).

Btw you don't sound happy, you don't have to stay with him.

In my opinion there is no place, and no need, for "my money, your money" in a healthy marriage. You are partners, and should share common goals. Financial priorities should be discussed and agreed as a team. It should be irrelevant who earns what.

The trouble is that this doesn't sound like a healthy marriage, and that is the real problem that you need to tackle.

My marriage is very healthy, very happy and the relationship is definitely long term.

We each have our own money and have done since day dot. I actually do not want to have a joint account as financial independence is something we both value.
We each have our own set of financial commitments (I pay school fees for a family member and send money overseas).

The pivotal thing is both being on the same wavelength when it comes to financial set up. It doesn't matter how you do it, it matters that you're both happy with it and that it's fair.

AlonsosLeftPinky but op doesn’t have financial independence. She puts in all her money, pays for all extras and this is largely passive income. She also provides all childcare and housekeeping.
Her dh otoh doesn’t put in all his money, collects debt (for essential items is a red herring, op had to bail him out nonetheless)... and refuses to discuss financial planning or management...

None of that is financial independence to me. I’m not sure the sahm model works long term without a ‘one pot’ system.

And of all that list of issues, the real problem is that he refuses to discuss , so OP options are to put up and shut up. I would say that her partner is playing on her kind feelings, i am not sure i could live with that. We are, of course, all different.

She has her own property from which she earns a rental income. That she earns the money whilst staying at home really bears no relevance.

The issue still lies in the fact that op is unhappy and her DH isn't open.

You said in your first post ‘he is nasty to me’ and that your relationship is difficult. You said you are the bad guy with regard to his family, despite the fact that you have paid off credit card bills, and that without you he couldn’t send them as much. And you said your efforts are unappreciated.

It doesn’t matter what sums of money are involved, the situation here is rotten. It’s not the money, it’s the feeling behind it that is the problem. Now I’ve read your later posts, it is not at all surprising to see you openly say your partner is verbally abusive.

This isn’t simply about supporting family, something I am in favour of: it’s about being made use of by someone who is angry and entitled towards you. And his family aren’t supportive of you either. Lots of people are in dire financial straits but have no rescuer. Most would try to show some support and appreciation, if a financial lifeline appeared.

Please get some legal advice, and some counselling too, so that you can see the wood for the trees.

I've been married to a Turkish man for 15 years and this is a scenario I have encountered in many marriages.
Money aside I think your biggest problem is his lack of regard and respect for you in general. In many cultures where unquestioning support of family is normal, the men definately do value their parents and siblings over their wives and in many cases even over their own children. Knowing you are low down on his list of priorities will eat away at you and erode any happiness you once had with this man.
If you don't want to financially support his family for the rest of their lives then don't! You don't have to continue aiding his philanthropy.
I'm sure he won't feel so freely able to be waltzing off to the Western Union office without your very nice contribution to the support of your home and children. Let him do it all on his own in addition to paying you maintenance. His first responsibility is to you and his children.

Oh I couldn't be doing with this. He puts you last. Make sure you secure any money before mentioning divorce - he's going to have a panic attack at the thought of losing all that money.

You don't want to divorce him because that would financially ruin him? I really don't think so. His share of both properties should see him rather nicely off. Child maintenance is not huge, it should be equivalent to how much he contributes now unless you are massively subsidising him (and it doesn't sound like you are).

You need to see a lawyer and find out facts based on your actual situation rather than things you think to be true based on what you've read about other people on the internet.

OP Don't underestimate the value of Sterling in most poor countries. If he is sending at least a quarter of his salary every month plus medical expenses they are probably extremely comfortable by most people's standards. They also have rental income from a flat. Why arnt they living in that flat? Have you considered that he could be sending money for them to save for him?

See a good solicitor asap.

Apologies for not reading the full thread, but are you aware that he could be entitled to half your property in the event of a divorce? Get financial advice before you mention separation to him.

If you're contributing that to the joint account (over twice what I earn a month working full time!) then it suggests you are both quite well off and in that case I wouldn't begrudge the huband supporting his family. You are hardly going without.