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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice about husband please

33 replies

jmd460 · 20/03/2018 11:24

I am a bit shocked and upset today. I am married to a man with Autism. We have been together since 2010. Due to his interpersonal difficulties it is not an easy marriage.

Last night I lost my cool after days of feeling frustration at how little he initiates helping at home. I have to chase him to get any help at all. It is very draining.

After my rant I appologised and tried to explain that it is hard to be responsible for everything.

We cannot ever really talk and resolve issues between us because any conversation of a personal nature results in him going silent and shutting completely down.

When I went to bed, he was in bed asleep. When I went to get into bed I discovered that he had put a heap of crushed up cat biscuits and rubbish in my side of the bed and then tidied the cover so I wouldn't know.

I feel incredibly hurt. Such a petty and vengeful thing to do. It is nasty and is a behaviour that I would never do. I believe in being direct and talking things through.

That isn't possible with him. He is silent and says he cannot speak about personal relationship problems.

This though is new and is a real low in the relationship for me. Being married to someone with Autism is incredibly difficult. I am more carer than wife.

I am just so very hurt that he put rubbish in my bed. It is such a childish response to an adult problem. It feels like the final straw. The relationship is so one sided and he never shows any feeling or concern for me at all. He lives in his own world.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 20/03/2018 11:28

No you certainly aren’t over reacting!

mogratpineapple · 20/03/2018 11:33

No. My dealings with autism were with secondary school children (teacher). We were told that we had to be direct with them and not to make allowances for behaviour. Some had secondary issues but most were bright and very able and could exploit other people's kindness or sympathy. For example, I knew two boys (brothers) who were perfectly behaved during class, contributed to events and discussion but at home they treated their mother like a slave, were violent and smashed up the home. At school they would have been put in isolation for that.

If he doesn't understand feelings of being hurt, simply tell him that it is unacceptable and tell him to clear it away. Also, stop acting like his nurse. Unless he has physical disabilities there is no need. xx

Perhaps time to take professional advice though xx Best wishes

Original poster
jmd460 · 20/03/2018 11:41

I feel like I cannot do this relationship for the rest of my life. It is too hard. It just seems a bit silly that I am so saddened by the rubbish stunt.

I used to think he was the most honest person I knew. He isn't very honest though. He never lies, but there is a different kind of dishonesty that is more subtle. Last night is a good example. It is as though he acts out. Like a child would.

I dread coming home from work. I live my life as his carer because he barely functions enough to hold down a job. His Autism significantly impacts on our relationship. There is no reciprocity.

I feel so mean/selfish because I can't do it anymore. I have already been a carer for a son with a severe disability and now my stepdad with dementia. I do not want to be my husbands carer as well.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2018 11:41

You are NOT over-reacting. What a pathetic, petty, spiteful, childish thing to do.

I would have woken him up.

Autism is no excuse for behaving in this way - intentionally doing something so shitty.

I would actually walk out for a few days - leave him to his own little world. Can you go and stay with a friend for a couple of days?

EllieMe · 20/03/2018 11:44

Just leave, it will only get worse. I'm so sorry.

Luckingfovely · 20/03/2018 11:50

Dear god you are not overreacting and this should absolutely be the final straw.

There are no circumstances under which this would ever be acceptable.

You already know how unhappy he is making you. Please leave and make a happier life as soon as possible.

Original poster
jmd460 · 20/03/2018 11:50

The consequence of me not doing things in the past has been serious though. For example: car repossessed, loss of income, 6 cubic metres of rubbish dumped on the front lawn, power disconnections, hoarding. Left to his own devices he does things that have bad consequences for me.

He will not ring anyone, even to the point that his car was repossessed all because he wouldn't speak to the leasing company.

We were nearly evicted from our last home because he completely messed up an arrangement he made with the estate agent. I sorted it when I found out, but the agent was left confused, as was I.

He is being tested for dementia actually because things have deteriorated so much.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2018 11:51

You sound exhausted, beaten down and miserable, and you deserve so much more. The reason you're feeling silly for being upset, when it's inevitable and anyone in this situation would be, is that he's treating you so badly so often you now think you deserve nothing better. You do! This is no way to live.

Him doing something so petty and nasty, so disrespectful and cruel, is not because he has autism, it's because he's a bastard who wants to hurt you.

Imagine the life you would have if you weren't living with someone who wants you to be miserable. Imagine how much easier it would be to only have to worry about yourself and your son, or to meet someone wonderful in the future who will love and cherish you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2018 11:52

If you split up he'd only be hurting himself, not you.

Tartyflette · 20/03/2018 11:59

It sounds like he cannot function on his own and would perhaps be classed as a vulnerable adult.
This is clearly very distressing and difficult for you -- does he have a diagnosis of autism so if you were to leave you could tell Adult Social Services your marriage has broken down due to his condition and he needs their help?

I wonder if he might be better off in a sheltered housing/group living situation with carers or helpers as it doesn't seem as if he can cope at all on his own from what you say has happened in the past. And a dementia diagnosis might help with that too.

Original poster
jmd460 · 20/03/2018 12:13

He does have a diagnosis of Autism. Until a year ago he was in defence. He worked in an intelligence field analysing data. He was great at that and in defence he had structure and everything was done for him. He struggled but he could survive alone. He left defence because defence was changing and change freaks him out. But out here in the real world, he just seems unable to function well enough to keep head above water. He drives, but drives badly. He has driven through a red light and got a ticket. He needs to make a payment arrangement to pay the fine. He either won't or cannot contact to make payment arrangements and so he has received a letter stating they will suspend his licence. He needs his licence for his job.

He is reading electricity meters for work. It is straight foward and repetitive so he can do it. But he would take more days off than he works if I didn't push him out the door to go to work, before I go to work myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
jmd460 · 20/03/2018 12:15

He was only diagnosed about 5 years ago but it was no surprise as he has two children with autism and he has always has similar characteristics.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2018 12:16

Your life sounds exhausting, jmd460.

I really think you may need to talk to social services or your GP about getting some support in place so that you can leave (if you want to). But then it's just another thing on YOUR list of things to do to keep him functioning. Agree with the poster above who has suggested some kind of sheltered housing. It's not fair on you to keep living like this.

Tatiannatomasina · 20/03/2018 12:55

You dont need permission to end this. Put yourself first.

MarieG10 · 20/03/2018 13:38

*I dread coming home from work. I live my life as his carer because he barely functions enough to hold down a job. His Autism significantly impacts on our relationship. There is no reciprocity.

I feel so mean/selfish because I can't do it anymore. I have already been a carer for a son with a severe disability and now my stepdad with dementia. I do not want to be my husbands carer as well.*

I know you commit to in sickness and in health, but it sounds to me like you simply cannot continue like this. As you said, you will end up as his full time carer.

The only thing is that did he not show any of these traits previously, accepting they may have got more pronounced in recent years. Why did you get married?

ChickenMom · 20/03/2018 14:29

This sounds like an awful life. I just don’t know how you can function like this for the rest of your life. His entire wellbeing can’t just be your responsibility. The rubbish thing would be the last straw for me. Perhaps go and talk to your GP and/or a counsellor about making moves to live separately. You can’t live this way forever. It’s not even a life!

MotherofTerriers · 20/03/2018 14:49

You deserve a better life than this. If you separate, then the poor decisions he makes will impact only on him
Don't feel mean and selfish, you only get one life
Can you line up some real life support for yourself? Having autism doesn't make it ok for him to treat you like this

Thebluedog · 20/03/2018 15:06

You don’t need permission to leave, you have a duty of care to yourself too. As much as you feel responsible for him, you are not. Put yourself first.

His behaviour last night was simply unacceptable and he needs to know this! Why would you think otherwise?

Rosielily · 20/03/2018 15:11

It just seems a bit silly that I am so saddened by the rubbish stunt.

You are not being silly at all. His behaviour was degrading and totally unacceptable. I hope you find a way out of this x

Rosielily · 20/03/2018 15:15

How old are you both? I noticed you said he's being tested for dementia?

pudding21 · 20/03/2018 15:31

Hi OP: if he is being tested for dementia I imagine that there must have been a deterioration in his mental state? Is he more forgetful than usual?

Regardless, what he did was cruel and child like and must be very frustrating. How old is he?

Bluebelle38 · 20/03/2018 15:32

You have one life. You are wasting it. Please get out and live the life you want. You sound like a lovely, intelligent and caring woman that deserves so much more. The rubbish thing is so petty and odd that I am actually gobsmacked.

Isetan · 20/03/2018 17:09

Of course his behaviour was unacceptable but........ it sounds like he has serious problems and he's finding it increasingly difficult to cope. He's barely functioning and in these circumstances, I'm afraid your expectations are just to high. It sounds like that his regression is coinciding with your resentment.

I

It sounds like the behaviour of last night was less of a f*cl you and more of a I don't have the words to communicate how upset I am and this PA action is the closest he came communicating his displeasure and frustration.

This isn't a simple case of a total shit but of someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle the demands of daily life and adult relationships.

You have my sympathies but I think you do have to accept that emotionally he isn't equipped to meet your expectations

AnyFucker · 20/03/2018 17:14

I could not live like this

TheVanguardSix · 20/03/2018 17:15

Life. Is. Short.

I'd be so gone. You just can't have that kind of marriage. Who'd want that?

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