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Original poster

Weird comment left me feeling crap

52 replies

Bluebellsagain · 18/03/2018 12:12

Not sure if Aibu. Back story: been with dp for 1.5 years, because we are basically both on the same page it has always felt pretty serious. We live together (with my dd), we all spent Xmas with his family (his parents live far away) last year, I’ve got pretty close to his Mum and we spend a lot of time socialising with his siblings who live close by. Because of our ages and being very much on the same page, marriage is on the cards within a year or so, and we talk a lot about kids etc. It’s always been a case of “when you know you know” for us, just all feels right and we are committed. That was a big deal for me because of dd but she’s really happy with him too.
On a night out last night with his brother and brothers gf. I’ve never found her easy to talk to or get on with, she’s been with his brother for years though they’re not married (if that’s relevant). She seems to have “queen bee” status in his family and hasn’t seemed that comfy with me joining that group. Anyway we were with a group who I’d never met. One asked me : “so are you part of the (dp last name) family?”
Brothers gf jumps in: “No.”
Guy who asked seems a bit taken aback: “By association, though?”
Brothers gf: “no. Not yet.”
I was pretty taken aback myself and didn’t know how to react. It seemed really weird. Comparatively to her r’ship I have been with dp less time but I did consider myself “part of his family” inasmuch as I consider him an extended part of mine and certainly none of my siblings would see him as an outsider. I’ve put in a load of effort with his family, endless meet ups, messaging, paying for my and dds plane tickets to his family events, Xmas etc. Yes we are not married but she’s not married to his brother if that matters. Tbh I wouldn’t ever introduce myself as “I’m part of the x family” but I didn’t see myself as not part of it if that makes sense? I don’t see it as her place to make that statement about my status it just felt so weird.
It put me in a shitty mood and it still rankles me the next day. She brought the conversation up again later (in a different context) so i know it wasn’t a throwaway comment. Dp cannot see why it made me feel bad or why I care. I know maybe it does seem a bit pathetic but I guess I felt like we are serious and her comment made me feel like an outsider. His family is intense and it’s taken so much time and effort to try and keep up with that.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
duffaho · 18/03/2018 16:32

Cant see she said anything wrong really . In the plainest meaning of the word you aren't part of the family at all and she just said 'not yet' . She didnt say "over my dead body" or laugh hysterically. You arent part of the family - yet.

Butterymuffin · 18/03/2018 16:37

'Well, I suppose neither of us are if you look at it that way!' Big smile. Easy to be wise after the event though. Ignore it. Just her insecurity talking.

eridanus · 18/03/2018 16:56

Sounds like a jealous person's reaction. Are you better looking, does his mam really really like you, has he maybe said to his sibling he'd like to marry you. Don't let it rankle, it's her problem to carry, leave it with her and carry on your own merry way.

bonnyshide · 18/03/2018 17:11

She sounds like she feels threatened, and has probably said this because she is well aware how well You've been accepted into the family and that you are making an effort.

Carry on as you have been and keep an eye on her, I think you may have a few problems from her in the future (e.g. when planning your wedding).

JacksGirl123 · 18/03/2018 17:26

You're not a part of the family. That's fact. She shouldn't have said anything and was rude to do so but she wasn't wrong even if you think you're part of the family.

So sexist to suggest she's jealous or insecure or whatever. It's only ever women that are suggested to feel that way about completely spurious reasons.

I never hear it being used as an explanation of male behaviour.

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 18/03/2018 17:48

Jacksgirl yet again I say: she isn’t an “official” part of it either! When does someone become part of a family? When they have been together a set time? When they are married into it? When they have kids in it? When they are in a serious committed relationship with one of the members? It is just a bit rich coming from her since on paper she’s no more “part of it”
Than me. Fwiw I hadn’t really ever thought about it before she made it clear she didn’t see me as part of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 18/03/2018 17:50

Also thanks to all the pps who have made me feel a bit better although it sucks to realise that I’ll just have to deal with it and continue on anyway!

OP posts:
MadMags · 18/03/2018 17:53

Does it matter? It’s one, unimportant comment. Even if she feels like that, so what?

I will say that 18 months is not very long at all! But she didn’t need to answer. You could have just said “well, I’m John’s girlfriend”, and that would be that, no?

Movablefeast · 18/03/2018 17:57

I think the rudest part was she answered a question which was not directed at her.

She seems insecure if she needs to butt in.

Ohyesiam · 18/03/2018 17:57

Steer well clear.
She is clearly threatened by you and plays power games.

SandAndSea · 18/03/2018 17:57

This is so familiar! I would imagine that she quite enjoyed being the only/main woman between the 2 brothers. Now that you've come along, she's had to make certain changes to accommodate you which have probably put her nose out a bit and she hasn't quite adjusted to the new status quo yet. Try not to take it personally.

Chasingstars88 · 18/03/2018 18:06

Yeah it matters because if she is going to be shitty with her everytime they are together she needs taking down a peg or two.

My DF was part of them family a year in an amazing step dad to my kids and all my family said "welcome to the family"

You've made huge effort with this family and you are extremely commited. I'd class you as part of the family.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/03/2018 18:12

She wants to marry your dp’s brother. He doesn’t want to get married.

Any normal person would say “she’s Fred’s partner / other half / girlfriend” and let the questioner decide if that makes her part of the family or not. The questioner was presumably trying to figure out how everyone fitted together in the way you do when with a group you don’t know everyone at. (If he is anything like me due partly to nosiness, partly to politeness and partly so you don’t say anything awkward.)

pinkhorse · 18/03/2018 18:13

18 months isn't very long. I wouldn't say being with someone 18 months without children, engagement etc means that you're part of the family.

Quirkycutekitch2011 · 19/03/2018 07:24

Perhaps his family have an official initiation test Grin

springydaff · 19/03/2018 09:12

You need to watch out for her. She'll be full of that toxic shit all the way along - if it isn't this it'll be something else.

Some people just have to have a dig

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 19/03/2018 12:48

Lol quirky!!Grin

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 12:54

Is she planning to get married to her boyfriend? It could be that you've pissed her off by planning a wedding sooner than her, even though she's been with her boyfriend longer.

ZandathePanda · 19/03/2018 13:06

I used to work at a zoo and when we introduced a new chimp into a group there was always a bit of friction! Just think of it as her waving a few branches around and stomping about a bit screeching.

Lemmon3101 · 19/03/2018 13:13

Possibly a jealously thing, possibly an offhand comment with no meaning behind it. It's pretty hard to tell without being there. But if we are being honest, women do have more of a tendancy to overthink things (myself included!) and would explain why your other half doesn't think it's important.
But anyway, it doesn't really matter. You are in a happy relationship, you're all adults and therefore know not everyone will always like you. I'd say either ignore her or kill her with kindness.

Notonthestairs · 19/03/2018 13:45

Don't feel crap about this - it will have zero impact on your relationship.

I'm sure whoever asked you the question clocked that she butted in before you could speak for yourself. She was marking her territory - it's meaningless and nobody else will take any notice to be honest.

Adora10 · 19/03/2018 16:47

She was very rude and what gives her the right to decide how committed you and her brother are; a hear and a half, lot of people are wed by then so no, sorry she had no right to say, or assume neither you or her brother thought you were part of the family, when you clearly are!

Adora10 · 19/03/2018 16:49

Sorry, she's not even his sister, his brother's GF, and they are not married, bloody cheek but let it go, she's clearly jealous of you.

PrizeOik · 19/03/2018 17:01

18 months is little more than a blink of an eye. You don't even know someone that well at 18 months in.

You do know you've nothing to prove? Your stewing on the GF's comments show that you definitely feel you DO have something to prove.

Look, she does sound rude and weird. But if you truly believed you were part of dp's family, then you wouldn't be offended by her comment, you'd just feel sorry for her, or maybe confused.

Combined with your feelings of offense, I also feel alarm bells ringing here where you say his family is "intense" and you talk about how much time you spend with them. If you've invested that much into his family from the get go, that tells me you've been going quite a bit too fast... and may have some stake in ignoring the things you don't like about the relationship or his family, because you don't want to abandon that investment...

Maybe her perceiving that all your investment hasn't proven anything to her, is what is really bothering you.

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 19/03/2018 20:06

Thanks for all the helpful replies and for the perspective. I know it shouldn’t matter and it probably was over thinking but it’s the latest and most direct in a long line of little digs from the same woman. Dp has just informed me that we have to go and play a game with his brother and brothers gf next weekend having only just come out of that last annoying experience! I’m irritated that I have to deal with her again so soon and it’s hard to be honest and say to dp that it just isn’t very fun spending time with her. For me anyway. She is so prickly and domineering and I really cba right now to see her so soon. To the pps who said I should give her a wide berth, would I be a total dick to decline this invitation? I just know it won’t be fun (if that’s the intention) and I’m a bit sick of pretending to enjoy a situation like that with a person who doesnt seem to want me there!

OP posts: