Red flag or natural reaction?

[Cherryblossom200]

Should I walk away?

Hi everyone,

I’ll try to explain quickly a bit about myself, I’m 42 and have a little girl who is 3. My daughters father abandoned me during pregnancy so I decided to go it alone and bring her up on my own with the help of my wonderful family. We have a very happy, settled life and I decided after focusing pretty much 2 years of my life to raising my daughter that it was time to start dating again.

I’ve had counselling to talk about what happened to me, and I know when I meet someone I have to take it slowly.

I met someone in November, he is French and about to turn 39. He lives in France and was over here to do a course for 3 months. Initially I was very skeptical about meeting the guy due to him not living in the UK but he had a lot of attributes I like in a man (loves the outdoors, sporty etc) so I thought I’d meet him. Things slowly developed between us, we had small blips where I became worried mainly because of my past, but he has always been supportive and reassured me.

We have contact almost every day, in the past two months. He has visited the UK for a long weekend and I’ve just got back from France for a long weekend.

He told me he loved me which was unexpected and felt lovely.

But I do have some concerns regarding the relationship. Whenever we discuss anything important such as him being introduced to my daughter he pulls away and disappears for a couple of days. When he comes back to me we talk about it and almost become stronger as a couple. I always allow him the space to sort his head out. But I think it’s concerning to me how he deals with difficult issues. In a healthy relationship people should be able to communicate easily.

On our 4th date he asked me over dinner if I would have a second child. It totally caught me off guard. I said potentially I would if the relationship felt right. But I was thinking inside I’m not sure how this would work with my age, but I didn’t voice my concerns at the time as I felt it was too soon in the relationship to discuss this in depth.

Now we have spent more time together I decided to bring my my concerns on my last night with him in France so we could speak face to face. I said to him that if he wanted a child of his own then perhaps I may not be the right person for him to be with. I’m 42 and I may or may not be able to have a child. I felt it’s important we discuss it early on without investing more time together and finding out 6 months down the line when we’re more emotionally attached that we are not on the same page. Basically I want him to decide if having a child of his own is really important for him, or is just me and my daughter enough for him.

Instead of reassuring me he said he would need time to think about everything. Which I respected. However the next day I travelled home it felt very awkward between us. Initially at his flat he was still very touchy feely with me. But when we said goodbye at the airport it almost felt like friends saying goodbye. No more I loves you, or I can’t wait to see you again. It was awful!

I sent him a message to thank him for his hospitality and wish him a nice day, he replied back saying a similar thing and wishing me a lovely weekend. And that’s it, I’ve not heard from him since - that was yesterday lunchtime. We normally communicate a lot throughout the day.

So he is pulling away yet again, I know he said he needs to think about things. But the way he handles important issues just baffles me and pushes me away.

He’s gone from saying he loves me to not even caring if I got home in the snow safely and I’m pretty upset about it to the point where I feel that I want to walk away.

Am I being unreasonable?

I'm sorry but this man is not invested in a relationship with you. You need to bring this to a close.

He said he would need time to think about things, so he’s probably just thinking about things.

He has paid for almost everything for me when we are together, he always asks about my daughter and we were planning on bringing her to France in August to spend time together.

More the issue is that he a typical bachelor, been on his own for a while and I think maybe he is realising there is more as stake then he initially realised at the start. Dating someone with a child is very different, I have more to lose than he does because I have a child.

He said he needs time to think about things. He would have to move countries, leave his life behind, become a step-father and he needs to decide how important having children of his own is for him. Those are big questions to answer and it is reasonable that he needs some time to think them over. Let him have the space he needs to think it over.

Didn't you post about this recently, when you had just met him.
Ok I thought he lived in Switzerland, I may be getting confused but it sounds exactly the same scenario except the place.

Confused, yes he is French and lives in the French part of Switzerland. You are right. And yes I did post about this subject, mainly to get people’s opinions on the age gap and child situation. This is different as I’ve actually now broached the subject with him, and his reaction has upset me because the pattern in seeing is he pulls away for a few days to think about things. Too be fair to him he always comes back with a good reaction and message which makes us closer. But I do feel we should be able to talk face to face about things and not take time out as he does.

You dont want him to have thinking time about such an important subject? What if he needs it to order his thoughts? I would feel pressured by this.

I do want him to have thinking about about this issue definitely! I always let him have space and don’t pressurise him for an answer. But it’s more that he could ah s least checked I got home ok as it snowed yesterday. And the fact I see a pattern every time we have some sort of big issue. He himself said he doesn’t like conflict. But in his defence he always comes back with a positive answer. It’s just the way he deals with things that hurts me.

I would wait and see what he comes back with.

If he wants to get more serious then yes you need to address this issue, and decide whether he can shift towards for needs or whether you can accommodate his, or what it all means... but if he’s not at the same point in the relationship, then it’s a mute point anyway.

On your 4th date he asks about a second child? you’ve known him five months and he says he loves you. He goes hot and cold.

So he is jumping the gun, and acting in a disconcerting way. I see these as red flags. I really feel he isn’t being honest with you. At least there are things he hasn’t told you.

You talk about ‘blips’ because of your past - maybe it’s not your past, but the way he is acting is setting off some deja vu for you.

Tracker! My thoughts EXACTLY!!

If he feels he is pressurised me asking this, then how was I supposed to feel when he asked me on the 4th date if I would have a second child 😳

I have felt perhaps he is all talk and no action.

It sounds to me like he really likes you but being with you might mean he'll never have a child of his own, has massive implications to his life, where he lives, his job etc. It must be a really difficult position to be in, like between a rock and a hard place. His behaviour isn't unexpected bearing in mind the decision he has to make.

He isn’t working at the moment, he left his job in August. He is very wealthy so doesn’t need to work for some time, lucky eh! So he knows he is at a cross roads in his life. He has no commitments in Switzerland, he doesn’t even really see his family all that much.

Honestly? It all sounds like a disaster in the making and I would withdraw gracefully.

OP, you’ve posted numerous times questioning things about this relationship, including asking about how it might work out with him becoming a step dad. And you can’t say you’ve taken it slowly when you’re still only 4 months in.

Call it day. You’re not compatible and it shouldn’t be causing you this much angst so early on.

Personally, I would run a mile , it sounds too complicated at this stage and so don’t think it would get easier just more stressful.
Good luck x

I’d bail now

I don't think he's done anything wrong per se, I like a bit of alone time to process thoughts and fèelings.
Some people are like that.
But....I also couldn't be bothered with the stress of this relationship. The distance, the ages, the different life stages, the need to protect your daughter as she doesn't have a relationship with her biological dad. Nope I like a peaceful, drama free life these days.

She is actually meeting her biological father next month, but that’s another story. He is visiting from Australia, and would like to meet her. He won’t be introduced as her father but I feel it’s good for my DD to meet him.

A little bit confused I do agree with you to some degree, it is complicated and we were aware of that. But you can’t help who you like! But I think now it is all becoming too stressful and I’m considering walking away.

So he hadn't realised that aged 42 you may or may not want more children....I think he may respond in the next day or two but saying "let's try for a baby now" or may just want to cut his loses and move on.

On the other hand he may wish to continue as you are...which, won't be much help to you.

TBH if he wishes to continue this relationship one of you is going to have to move eventually. Couldn't he come and spend some prolonged time renting in the uk if he's so loaded?

I don’t think either one of us will want to try for a baby now, it’s way too soon and we haven’t spent enough time together. Your suggestion of him coming and staying here for a few months is a good one, but it’s his decision.

I’ve not tried pressuring him into any decision, I just present the truth so he can decide what is right for him. Some say it’s too early for the conversation I’ve just had. But when is a good time? For me the earlier the better, we’ve known each other since the start of December now.

There is a element of emotional detachment amongst the Swiss.

He’s French though 😊

For me it’s over, the more I think about it the more I’m angry that he didn’t check I got home in the snow ok. I have a young child and I’m on my own, supposedly he loves me. I realise the conversation gave him food for thought, but not not check on me is now a deal breaker 😢 I don’t think anything he will say (if he does) will change that in my eyes.

I hate to say it, but you're not 25 any more! This is the kind of relationship that might have been OK then - you could have set off to visit him every other weekend, had him to stay here, and had lots of fun.

But now you have a child and obviously she has to come first. He has no understanding of your life as a parent because he never sees you in that role. He sees the single woman, the one who can get on a plane to visit him. That is not what life would be like if you two lived together.

And yes, him not finding out if you got home safely doesn't tie in with him saying he loves you. He might think that it's romantic to say things like that but he needs to put his money where his mouth is.

Yep I know. Actions speak louder than words 😉 I can’t help but feel upset 😢 I did like this guy. But I think this one small action of not checking I got home has now changed the way I view him and the relationship (or lack of it)

If a guy truly loved me he would be going crazy by now if he hasn’t heard from me.