Red flag or natural reaction?

[Cherryblossom200]

Should I walk away?

Hi everyone,

I’ll try to explain quickly a bit about myself, I’m 42 and have a little girl who is 3. My daughters father abandoned me during pregnancy so I decided to go it alone and bring her up on my own with the help of my wonderful family. We have a very happy, settled life and I decided after focusing pretty much 2 years of my life to raising my daughter that it was time to start dating again.

I’ve had counselling to talk about what happened to me, and I know when I meet someone I have to take it slowly.

I met someone in November, he is French and about to turn 39. He lives in France and was over here to do a course for 3 months. Initially I was very skeptical about meeting the guy due to him not living in the UK but he had a lot of attributes I like in a man (loves the outdoors, sporty etc) so I thought I’d meet him. Things slowly developed between us, we had small blips where I became worried mainly because of my past, but he has always been supportive and reassured me.

We have contact almost every day, in the past two months. He has visited the UK for a long weekend and I’ve just got back from France for a long weekend.

He told me he loved me which was unexpected and felt lovely.

But I do have some concerns regarding the relationship. Whenever we discuss anything important such as him being introduced to my daughter he pulls away and disappears for a couple of days. When he comes back to me we talk about it and almost become stronger as a couple. I always allow him the space to sort his head out. But I think it’s concerning to me how he deals with difficult issues. In a healthy relationship people should be able to communicate easily.

On our 4th date he asked me over dinner if I would have a second child. It totally caught me off guard. I said potentially I would if the relationship felt right. But I was thinking inside I’m not sure how this would work with my age, but I didn’t voice my concerns at the time as I felt it was too soon in the relationship to discuss this in depth.

Now we have spent more time together I decided to bring my my concerns on my last night with him in France so we could speak face to face. I said to him that if he wanted a child of his own then perhaps I may not be the right person for him to be with. I’m 42 and I may or may not be able to have a child. I felt it’s important we discuss it early on without investing more time together and finding out 6 months down the line when we’re more emotionally attached that we are not on the same page. Basically I want him to decide if having a child of his own is really important for him, or is just me and my daughter enough for him.

Instead of reassuring me he said he would need time to think about everything. Which I respected. However the next day I travelled home it felt very awkward between us. Initially at his flat he was still very touchy feely with me. But when we said goodbye at the airport it almost felt like friends saying goodbye. No more I loves you, or I can’t wait to see you again. It was awful!

I sent him a message to thank him for his hospitality and wish him a nice day, he replied back saying a similar thing and wishing me a lovely weekend. And that’s it, I’ve not heard from him since - that was yesterday lunchtime. We normally communicate a lot throughout the day.

So he is pulling away yet again, I know he said he needs to think about things. But the way he handles important issues just baffles me and pushes me away.

He’s gone from saying he loves me to not even caring if I got home in the snow safely and I’m pretty upset about it to the point where I feel that I want to walk away.

Am I being unreasonable?

Did he know it was snowing? Did he know that you weren’t yet home when you messaged him yesterday? Snow isn’t a big deal in Switzerland (or parts of France) so maybe he didn’t think you’d be worried about getting home safely? There’s all sorts of reasons why he might have gone quiet, the most likely being the one he’s told you - he needs some time to process his feelings re you and the possibility of being a father.

Give him the time he’s asked for if you think he’s worth it, or end it and move on if you don’t.

Yes he knew it was snowing, I messaged him to say thank you for his hospitality when I was at the airport before my flight. He knew what time my flight was, I’ve heard nothing since. Nothing last night to check I go home ok.

I’m going to leave it until mid week? Then I’m going to message him and tell hi how disappointed I am with him not asking if I was ok at the very least and tell him that I’m disappointed that he disappeared despite him saying he would never do that to me. That he should of let me know his decision which I would have respected and wished him well for the future. And then say from my side it’s over.

Or should I say nothing 😬 I feel he should know it’s not ok to just disappear without explaining your decision.

Oh blimey... I think you know deep down OP this is a non starter....

The distance, the different life stages, the full-throttle pace of it all, him blowing hot-and-cold, you feeling insecure, your numerous posts about him. Red flags flying everywhere...... absolutely....
everywhere...

Honestly. It shouldn’t be this hard. It just shouldn’t. And with a dd to consider.

Chalk it all up to experience or keep him as a casual relationship. That’s what this is. It’s not a fully committed in-love relationship. He doesn’t love you. He barely knows you.

FWIW you sound like you need to invest a lot less in these fledgling relationships and maybe could benefit from further counselling?

You’re an adult, and a parent. He knew you were home, but because he didn’t check up on you it’s over? Honestly, if you want to end the relationship then do it, but at least be honest about why.

Just reading call this makes me tired.....you've been on four dates. FOUR dates!!!! This should be the fun, enjoyable, romantic part of the relationship, it certainly shouldn't be this stressful.

Just break up with him and perhaps look at why you've got so emotionally involved in such a short period of time.

Seems to me that this distance relationship provides him a safe zone in which to be to be noncommittal. If Had a similar relationship whilst in my twenties (no kids involved) which was exciting and fine at that point in our lives. IMO most distance relationships don't work out and I do not think this one will.

You're flogging a dead horse love. You can't create the relationship you want out of a long distance fling with someone who is just trying you on for size.
If it helps put it in perspective, I have a dp a couple of years younger than me; he has no kids I have dc. He was 100% certain he wanted to be with me from the get go. I was ambivalent precisely because I can't have anymore children, and I worried he might want them in the future. He had to persuade me the relationship had legs. It wasn't my place to push it because I would have been sacrificing nothing.

We have been in daily contact every single day since the day we met. No games, no hot and cold, no push and pull. And even then I wonder if one day he will decide he has made a mistake and leave me for someone who he can have babies with!
This man is a non starter. Put your dd and your real life first and move on.

IMHO he is displaying a natural reaction. What I don't understand is your reaction OP. If you want more commitment right now, walk away and find it with someone more suitable. Closer to home. Future DC not important.

Or just enjoy having a fun time with a foreign lover without any commitments.

He sounds immature and flakey. I really wouldn't waste any more time on this, nor complicate matters by introducing your daughter to him.

I live in a country with lots of snow, like Switzerland. It wouldn't occur to me to check that someone got home safely in the snow because snow is just normal.

I think you are setting this guy up to fail.

Also, you have only been together for four months and there is all this angst? Best to end it.

Thanks I agree I think it’s a non starter. Him not checking I got home is out of character for him, he normally is a lot more attentive.

But that aside I’ve had a good nights sleep and feel it’s definitley best to walk away. Do I wait for him to contact me (if he does) and tell him it’s over or just send him a message today and say that think it’s too complicated and feel it’s best we go our separate ways. There’s a part of me which wants to bring him up on the way he deals with conflict but I feel it’s pointless if we won’t see each other again.

I’m going to have some time out of dating, and then try and find someone in the UK! 😊

Good plan OP.

Why not send him a message, tell him you’ve been thinking and it’s not working for you - no need to be specific. You aren’t his therapist. You don’t need to ‘bring him up’ on anything.

Then hold your head up high and do something lovely with your dd.

Oh dear, this is the guy you were thinking of moving to Switzerland for after being together for all of five minutes. Give him the space to make a damn decision and go from there. I get that you're used to constantly messaging each other but in this instance, it isn't conducive to him needing space to make a big decision.

LDR, especially in the beginning, usually have an intensity that's rarely sustainable. It sounds like he does a good talk but isn't as forthcoming with the walk to back it up. It's still very early days and there's no point in fast forwarding the dating (getting to know you phase) to the making a life together phase if there's still a huge question mark over your comparability.

As advised on your other threads, you've invested way too much, much to soon and now the intensity is cooling, you're becoming anxious.

Incidentally, how is it good for your DD to meet her father but not know he's her father. Not that I'm suggesting that you tell her because it's not clear what his intentions are. Their meeting, is about satisfying yours and his curiosity and I personally don't think it's fair to involve her in that. Realistically, given his behaviour to date and the fact that he's living on the other side of the world, its unlikely to be nothing more than satisfying a curiosity.

I'm glad you've taken that decision, because I would say that is a red flag - not that he wants time to think about it, but the constant hot and cold. Plus this sounds like a lot of hassle for a relationship that's barely started. The beginning should be the easy bit.

Make the first move and just tell him nicely how you feel, then you can put it behind you immediately and move on.