Confused by date

[EmLewisx]

Don’t really know what I’m looking for on here as I think I already know the answer but would be nice to get some people’s opinions/experiences..

Despite the thread (and I know it looks like it) I’m honestly not heartbroken or upset, confused more than anything.
So, I met a guy on POF (been on there a year on and off now) we started chatting and seemed to get on, after a few days we started speaking on the phone for hours on end. At this point we were literally texting all day, he would ring me after work, before bed etc. After a few weeks I decided to invite him over to finally meet, we decided to just have a chill night rather than having a couple of drinks so we cosied up on the sofa and put a film on. After a couple of hours we ended up in bed together (told myself I wouldn’t on the first night but hey ho things happen). I wouldn’t say it was great but I would put that down to it being awkward the first time and not knowing what each other liked. After that we just cuddled, he played with my hair etc and we ended up falling asleep, I woke up really early and decided to have a shower (had a shit night sleep but that’s because I’m not use to having anyone in the bed with me). I decided not to get back in so went downstairs and watched tv in the living room, he woke up a few hours after and stayed for about 15 mins before heading home. It did ring alarm bells with me that he didn’t stay for long considering he didn’t have to be anywhere but I just thought he wanted to get home and have a shower, get on with his day etc.

The day he went home we were still texting, day after not so much but he was in a pissed off mood because his car had been in a hit and run so I thought I’d leave him to it. The day after he messaged me again which I was surprised to see as I thought he would of sacked me off by then, he told me he wasn’t very well so again I left him to it, told him to get better and to message me when he was.
Day after, nothing?!

Haven’t heard from him now in 2 days. Just so confused as I honestly don’t think I did anything to put him of. I wasn’t needy or clingy and just left him to it when he was ill rather than pecking his head. He hasn’t been on POF since meeting me (wasn’t snooping, he’s at the top of my messages and it tells you the last time they were online). Just so confused more than anything? I genuinely feel we got on and had a nice time. He told me he was looking for a relationship and he made so much effort in the beginning. Have I honestly been shagged and bagged?! What I can’t understand is why message me afterwards? Surely he would of just ignored me/blocked my number the day after. I have to admit I didn’t make much effort in regards to texting (he was always texting/ringing me first) but like I said before I just didn’t want to be needy!

I think I already know the answer but it’s so disheartening, even the genuine ones turn out to be nobs! Sorry for the essay, didn’t realise how much I’d typed!

What was wrong with him? If he has flu or something, then maybe he just took you at your word and isnt fretting about texting whilst hes hanging out his arse?

It does seem more likely its the shag and bag, but theres at least a chance he is sick. If someone said that to me, I would text them a few days later when I was feeling better and less sorry for myself (if I was proper ill). If he just had a bad stomach or a cold then he's done one.

He may have got the impression from you that you didn’t want to bother after your date. If like you said you’ve pretty much left him to it. If he’d been on pof since then yes I’d say he wasn’t interested but as he hasn’t I wouldn’t write him off just yet. Maybe send him a message and ask if he’s feeling better? He may be feeling the exact same as you and wondering why you aren’t messaging

He may have not yet been sure how he felt about you. Sometimes I've slept with a bloke and it wasn't quite "right" (nothing bad, just didn't feel the way it should in some way), and I've spent a couple of days trying to tell myself not to be silly / convince myself that it was fine and I still liked him... So I kept texting... But after a while I just ran out of energy and accepted it wasn't to be.

So it's not necessarily"shagged and bagged". I think that's such a shitty phrase because it implies that folk do it deliberately when I think very few do. Maybe it just didn't feel right to him.

Doesn't mean either of you did a single thing wrong!

So many threads on here with exactly the same thing..met old, slept with him straight away, didn't hear from him again. Sounds like he messaged you again as he felt bad but he clearly doesn't want anything more.

He said he felt drained and had a headache so not sure if that would of turned into something worse tbh. Out of principal I don’t message them first 😂 (stubborn that way) as I do feel if someone wants to speak to you they will. I just thought it had gone well but perhaps not as well as I thosight lol. I agree with the bottom poster, if it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be! Thanks guys

You had a false intimacy with all the texting and calling before you met. Then you had a first date that should have been a 5th at least, cuddling on the sofa, sex and a sleepover just isn't first date behaviour! Then (unsurprisingly) the sex was meh and you were probably both a bit weird in the morning and the spark went away after that.
Don't leap the first getting to know you stages. Texting isn't real connection and movies on the sofa isn't first date activity. You should remain a desirable mystery for a while! That doesn't mean no sex necessarily but it does mean don't behave like a couple of 5 years with kids at home on a Friday night.

Perhaps he thought you weren't that into him ? He might have thought that as you left him to watch tv. If you like him text him !

I agree it wasn’t really a first date in my opinion and I did feel quite shitty that I’d slept with him on the first night. It made me feel better that he kept messaging me after he left but obviously something changed in his mind. I did like him and was a bit gutted that the spark went (been single for 6 years) so would of been nice to see it go further

You come across as having zero interest in him. Up the next day, shower and not even any morning sex! He probably felt awkward and so left

He’s probably really confused. He’s been gettling mixed signals.

I can understand it looks that way but I genuinely was knackered and knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep plus my back was killing me from having to sleep in the same position all night (he pretty much took up the whole bed) 😂 I am knew to the whole dating scene as I’ve been single for so long and I’ve not really put myself out there. I was thinking of texting him as like some of you have said he may just think I’m not interested, it sounds so petty but I’m just worried in case he’s found someone else and how embarrassed I’ll be if I message him and it turns out he has?!

Probably best I leave it, it can’t be forced at the end of the day can it 👎🏻

I’d say that you whilst trying to play it cool- have played it too cool. You got up and left him in a strange bed- I’d be a bit taken aback by that- I’d assume the person whose house it was would still be in the bed. My assumption then would be that you would prefer I left- you’ve not really given me any reason to stay- no morning snuggle (sex) or conversation. Then I tell you I’m pissed of about my car, you say all good and then I tell you I feel a bit shit and your response is cool, lemme know when you’re better. Seems like a lot of work. I’d assume you were not Terri my interested and move on. You don’t appear invested in it from how you’ve acted- why should he do all the chasing? You’re adults and it should be equal. I’d message and ask how he’s feeling personally- but after a few days NC he probably reckons you were juts up for a bit of fun.

I can underhand that, i’d probably feel a bit wierd waking up in a strangers bed to so that’s my mistake. I guess I just didn’t want to come across as needy and clingy as in the past I think I have.

It’s been 6 years since you dated anyone. I don’t believe a follow up message is clingy. You e had him do all the chasing so far- maybe give a bit back? If you get nothing, move on. But it’s not a competition- you both should be putting equal effort into see if it’s worth o rating, and I’d say your insecurities about your past behaviour has instead made you look very disinterested.

Well I’ve just messaged as I noticed he’d been on WhatsApp recently, thought if I don’t do it now I never will! Didn’t want to be over the top so just sent “hope your feeling a bit better now xx”. No reply as of yet, oh god this kind of stuff makes me feel so anxious!

Anything yet?

Well done. If this doesn’t work out- maybe try a little more effort next time, whilst still being aware of your self perceived ‘full onness’ people still want to feel wanted. Good luck!

I'd give this one up. Crap, low-effort first date, no second date planned, and now you're reduced to chasing him on a Saturday night. This isn't how it's meant to go!

Nope nothing back yet, be surprised if he replies to be honest. Good to know where I stand so to speak now I can move on. Thanks guys for all your help and advice x

Well said SD1978. I think the guy is probably wise to disinvest from this relationship because you haven't played it cool. I feel you are too self absorbed or self focused to bother about the other person's feelings or point of view. You are actually the one who shagged & bagged him. You put too much resources into avoiding or doing things in case your actions are misconstrued. e.g not calling/texting in case "I come across as clingy"
. Too much chess strategy. People in love behave and act madly - they go ease on calculations. As someone said, you played it too cool. Be vulnerable-and take a risk. But let this one go,the chemistry is not quite right.

EmLewis, hope you don't mind me asking but you aren't in the SW are you? It's just that this is ringing some bells.
Hope that you get a resolution!

Are you ready to start dating again? Is it a case of warming up and getting into the dating scene again?

Or recognizing that you are still too wounded from previous relationships and not able to give dating a good go until you’ve patched yourself up a bit more?

And if the latter, what would ‘patching yourself up a bit more’ look and feel like?

I’m asking because you seem so careful to protect yourself and not be the one to show any positive feelings, that you forgot you’d need a bit of give and take?!

Unless that’s just the way you’re telling the story, in which case you might need to think why you feel the urge to detail how careful you’d been and how risk averse you are?

I mean S ome aspects of it are ringing bells about your date, not about your scenario as obviously that would be a bit weird :)

Definitely been a learning curve for me, i can see now I should of definitely put in more effort. When he said he was ill I just genuinely didn’t know what to do, I know when I’m ill I like to be left alone and not really bother with anyone so I thought he might of been the same, but to be fair I should of messaged him the following day asking how he was. Again a massive learning curve for me

In regards to being ready to date again, I’m not sure to be honest. My last relationship was pretty much shit. I was young and madly in love. Became pregnant and miscarried when I was 3 months. Stayed together for a few more months but split up due to arguments (not sure if this was down to stress because of what we’d been through) anyway around a month after we split up he was shagging every woman in the area including two of my best friends. Safe to say we’re not friends anymore but it was really difficult time for me and it’s taken me a long time to get over that. (He ended up having a child with someone else a year after and I always found it difficult to understand how someone could move on so fast). So I think I do put a wall up now with future lovers because of that. I’ve also gained a lot of weight over the years and I think with social media/seeing beautiful girls all the way it really knocks my confidence as how the hell am I suppose to compete with that. Anyway thanks again for all your help x