Am I a selfish DIL? I think I am ...

[Tighnabruaich]

So, I'm 65, in reasonable health for my age, but with a few issues. My husband is younger and very robust and hearty. His mother is 92 and in excellent health, lives alone (widow) in a lovely house. Husband's sister lives about a 20 minute walk away, doesn't drive.

We live a 6 hour drive away from MIL. We go to see her as often as we can, but I've begun to dread the drive as I am totally shattered when we arrive at her house, and when we arrive back home after the return journey.

We've not seen her since Christmas, but then neither has SIL. We are getting lots of phone calls from MIL asking when we are coming to see her. We asked if she knew why SIL wasn't coming round more often, but she 'doesn't like' to ask her, as she doesn't want to upset her.

Should I just let DH go and visit her on his own? Or should I suck it up and go too? Honestly I practically fall out of the car when we arrive, even though we have stops for loo visits and thing to eat on the way.

I know she is old, but she goes off striding along the street ahead of us leaving me feeling like it's ME who's 92 and she's 65.

Oh I don't know why I'm rambling, and I know I don't HAVE to go, but then I feel bad about poor husband having to do the journey by himself. I'm a selfish old bat.

It sounds like a horrendous journey, but I can't help thinking how I'd feel if ds moved six hours away and then made it clear he hated visiting and only did it out of duty.

Of course she doesn't enjoy being a burden, but she's his mother, and in her 90s, and probably lives from one visit to the next.

I don't think four visits per year would be an unreasonable expectation tbh.

And definitely talk to sil. My grandma incorrectly claimed no one was visiting her when she began to develop dementia.

I hope my kids make more of an effort to see me when I’m older! It’s up to you whether you go or not (so no guilt for you) but your husband and SIL should be well in a routine by now of who does what and when. Skype/FaceTime etc all make it much easier. Are there any grandkids than can share the visits?

She really won’t be around all that much longer - and when she’s gone, she’s gone. It always amazes me how many people make a difficult journey for a funeral but not for a visit when someone is living.

SIL always has excuses about being busy, or tired. We get the guilt trips to visit, but she is somehow not hassled, despite living in the same village as her mother.

What does your DH think about it? How often would he visit, left to himself? Is he ever in touch with his sister? I notice that you are telling us about MiL and SiL, what about DH? is it possible that SiL is more practised at fending off her mother's demands? Or does MiL just try to play them them off against each other?

In all the trauma around my parents getting older, one of the really good things to come out of it, was how close my sister and I have become, in spite of the physical distance and our own lives which have little in common with each other. We each have areas of strengths and complement each other to work really well together. We rarely disagree about what needs to be done and get it done with as little fuss as possible, rarely disagree and relieve our feelings occasionally with a bit of a rant which only the other really understands. Knowing that someone understands and has your back is very helpful.

I think a routine helps.

So eg alternate visits with SIL, eg, DH goes every 8 weeks, SIL every 8 weeks so she has company every 4 weeks. If you go with DH every other visit then you only have to do the journey every 16 weeks/4 months. Maybe on those occasions you can take a couple of days leave and it'd be a nice mini break.

We have a routine but more frequently with my ex PIL. (Not the same issue re journey), it's more about ensuring they have company. It has the benefit of them knowing when their next visit is, always something to look forward to. A schedule takes away the guilt/pressure as you know where you are, maybe you'll enjoy visits more.

I'm a selfish old bat. Oh, and you really aren't. You are just tired and don't like long drives. Do you listen to audio books? I love a long journey if I have something good to listen to.

Actually on reading this again, I don't think you are being a selfish DIL but I do think your DH is being a selfish DS.

It doesn't really matter if SIL is visiting or not, it does not excuse him from his obligation to visit his own DM.

If DM makes comments about you not being there, then it should be perfectly possible for your DH to respond neutrally, and - even better - not feel the need to relay these comments back to you. After all it seems like you haven't been married for long so presumably it's really her own DS she wants to see and have for company.